Tag: Warsaw

Day ??? – My comeback

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I had a dream that night that I was speaking to James. It had been months since I had last seen him online through Skype on our break up session and somehow in my dreams he would be next to me in my bed sleeping. Off and on throughout the night.

I woke up with the sunlight shining through my windows. I was getting text messages from Luke. He loves sending me his ‘Good Morning’ with at kiss at the end of it. I wasn’t really feeling the good morning since I had too much to drink last evening. I now wake up in a bigger and brighter room with a double bed. My clothes and belongings are all in order where they should be. At times I wake up thinking, “Where am I?”and have to remind myself that I have made the dramatic crazy move of leaving lovely Warsaw in December and back in London on my own without James.

I am no longer in Warsaw. Weird.

I’m trying to remember what happened last night; drinks flowing pints after pints at the nearest pub where I live, dancing to some funky music and odd enough, having my first post-break up meeting with James.

It wasn’t a dream. He had been in my bed all through the night sleeping naked next to me.

Shit.

Between Day Sixteen and Seventeen

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It’s official: I don’t have any romantic/sexual feelings for Luke.

It came to me during our meeting that I have every Saturday evening to meet people from all over the world, especially from Poland. This was my second meeting and it went pretty good laughing and chatting with new people. Luke had shown up later in the evening and by the end of the meeting, it was only Luke, Ernesto (a new friend I had made that evening from Mexico City! Oh yeah!) and I.

It was a great magical evening because for the first time in history, Poland had beaten German in football with 2-0. The Poles went absolutely crazy (in my books because Poles don’t really get crazy only in special occasions: birthdays, weddings, New Years, and Football.

This time it was football and everyone was happy indeed! I have never seen Poles so happy in a very long time, especially as a whole country. In fact, the last time I had seen this was New Years Eve with my ex Greg and I was drinking with strangers on the street with them offering me champagne straight from the bottle. Hey, who needs a cup when you have a celebration and free booze, right?

‘I want to dance’. I said to Luke. ‘I mean I want to celebrate this day. Let’s go out to a club!’

His eyes lit up.’Yeah, let’s go! Ernesto you want to come?’

‘Yeah, man I’m down. Let’s go!’ Ernesto is a married man with two kids, but his lovely wife and children live in Wroclaw while he works here. And he’s Mexican so they know how to party.

We walked about half a kilometer when we arrived to Klubokawiarnia where you pay a 20 zl fee to get in. Once you are there, you walk through this hallway full of couches and seating place till you get to a staircase where you have to go downstairs. You are first greeted by one small room and then if you keep walking down the corridor, you will get to a bigger room (the main room) with disco balls. From there is another room next to the bar where again, you have to walk through this dark small seating corridor, to arrive at the last room which is a medium size room where we spent our evening there.

I tell you it was crazy. I have never experienced anything like this. It was like being back in college days in Tijuana clubs but crowded and no space what so ever. The people here push and shove and they don’t even say sorry. The Poles just don’t care really. They do the same with buses, trams, etc. No manners exist in the clubs because then you will spend your evening just apologizing. So, no one does it. People push and shove at the bar like animals. Just expect that when you come to Klubokawiarnia. However, living in this country has got me to develop this thick skin so I’m used to it and it didn’t bother me at the end of it all.

In fact, I spent my evening dancing with one particular man with a beard and bald head. He seemed very fit. His name was Michael. He was pulling me real close to him, grinding me from behind and front as if I was back in the American clubs and there was one moment which I thought was hilarious.

‘So how old are you?’ I asked shouting into his ear.

‘Oh you don’t want to know how old I am! I’m too old for you.’

‘Shut up, how old? Come on!’

‘OK OK, I’m 29. Ok see, I told you I’m old.’

I hesitated to tell him the next news. ‘Well um you are not that old. Cause I’m 34.’

Michael put his hands over his cheeks with a shocking surprised. ‘WHAT?! OMG you are my type of woman!!!’

Michael comes charging towards me, getting low and picking me up! I was being bounced in the club! I shrieked because I had no idea he was going to do this! I mean I’m a heavy set woman and he was able to pick me up! What a man, what a man! Though I was very flattered that he did this because when I lived in London, somehow men had a thing for picking me up in the clubs (literally). Maybe because I look like a boxing bag to them? I don’t know, but I find it pretty sexy indeed.

And as for Luke? Well there he was around the dance floor dancing but he had no moves. I love a man who can cut loose on the floor. James is not the greatest dancer, but he can sure dance to cheesy music like no other. It was at the wedding when we first danced together and he had some moves. He also liked my moves as well cause we danced all night. It was honestly a magical night for us in May. Though when I date the next man, he has to know how to move on the dance floor and not care about how he’s dancing. James has that. It’s something I really miss seeing him do. In fact, I have two small clips of us singing and dancing at this wedding. Something I will cherish for the moment.

At the end of the evening, Michael told me he was engaged (typical), and walked out with Luke and Ernesto at 3am. I felt bad for Luke to go all the way home (since he lives far south of Warsaw) so I was nice enough to offer him to stay over at my place. He agreed.

Throughout the walk, I opened up to Luke a bit more about James and what I had with him. I also told him that I couldn’t give anything or feel anything for anyone at the moment because I am hurt and still love James. I also confessed that there was a time in the club where I heard ACDC and one of the last days I was with James, we listened and watched some ACDC videos. I got a bit sad, but then the music changed and snapped back into reality.

Luke said, ‘But Ara, that was the past. You have to forget it. You can’t live in the past.’

‘I know Luke, but it’s hard for me to move on. He was everything I wanted in man.’

Luke looked at me and said these amazing words:

You can’t live the past because it’s done. Can’t do anything about it. You can’t live the future because you don’t know the future so you can’t worry about that. But what you do know is now. You have to live now. Living the moment is all you can do. So live it now, and forget the past and future.

Wise words from a great Polish friend.

We came to my house 20 minutes later and offered him to share my twin bed with him. He agreed as well to that. I didn’t want to kiss him or do anything sexual with him. I have realized that I really enjoy his company as a friend. We flirt, but somehow I just don’t see any romance or sexual lust for him. Maybe it’s best that we are good friends.

We laid in bed with our clothes on. I took off my tights.

‘Can I cuddle you?’ I said to him tired. ‘Yes, of course you can’, said Luke as he let me put my arms around his chest.

‘You can cuddle me too if you like. I don’t mind.’

‘Oh you are giving me permission?’ Luke said with a smile. ‘It should be that I ask for permission, so Ara, can I cuddle you?’

‘Of course you can. Of course.’

With soft music playing in the background, we dozed off to sleep.

In Between Day Fifteen and Sixteen: Date with Luke

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This was my first official date as a single woman after James decided to call it quits.

I was a bit nervous thinking, ‘Oh what to wear…’, but since the weather was very nice, I decided to wear a blue/white dress with a cream cardigan top and cream high heels. It was late evening for our meeting, however the weather in Poland can change drastically, so I wanted to take something else for warmth. I didn’t want to take my winter jacket because it was too warm to wear and I didn’t want to take my wind/rain coat because it was warm to wear. I went through my closet to find this sliver shawl that I had bought in May this year in London to wear for a wedding and with a date that evening: James. I haven’t worn that shawl since the wedding reception party. In fact, the whole outfit was a reminder of James: The heels were worn as well for the wedding and on my birthday last year with James, the dress was first seen by James and he also helped me zip it up and the shawl.

I had to put all of these things aside and tell myself, ‘Ara, he’s no longer here. You have to make new memories. Plus, it’s just clothes!’ I walked out with all of the items on and went to meet Luke in Old Town Warsaw.

I was expecting Luke to look handsome, but he looked like any other regular day; Levi’s Jeans and a long sleeve shirt. Nothing fancy. I was expecting him in slacks, button up shirt, looking very nice and with a flower in his hand, but I guess these expectations are too high for Luke.

‘Oh I thought you were going to be in slacks.’ I said.

Luke looked puzzled. ‘What are slacks?’

The trouble of dating someone whose first language isn’t English is a bit of a challenge. You will always have to correct them, fix their sentences, and give them new slang vocabulary words. I don’t mind, but at times, it does get to you. Though I’m going to make myself a new rule when dating foreigners: date them at a C1 Level, which means proficiency.

We went around the Old Town and crossed towards New Town area where we had to sit down for a while. I had worn the wrong shoes: high heels are not good for cobbled stone streets!

‘Oh don’t sit there!’, Luke said touching the benches.

‘Why? I don’t see anything on them.’

Luke shows me his fingers, ‘You see, the bench is wet and you’ll wet your dress, so let’s find some newspaper.’

Luke is a very sweet guy. VERY SWEET! And a gentleman as well. He’s the type of guy that a lovely quiet sweet girl would love to date. But why not me? Why wouldn’t I date him? I started to have feelings for him last week during Tango, but something had changed in me.

From the bench we went to see the fountains which are located in New Town Warsaw. They are very lovely at night all lighted up.

Then I came up with a great idea. ‘Luke, why don’t we practice tango here at the park?’

Luke looked at me again with that puzzled look, ‘You want to dance in the park in front of the people? Are you sure?’

I pulled out my phone and opened up my Spotify app, ‘Yah, why not? We can find a quiet spot where there isn’t many people around and we can dance it. What do you say?’

Hesitating for a bit, a smile came across his face,’Yeah, why not! Let’s do it!’

We then found a nice little area where not too many people were walking around away from the fountains since we needed to listen to the music. I picked a song from a tango list that I had found and once we found a pretty good song, we danced in the park for at least 30 minutes straight! It was great! I have never danced Tango at a park with anyone. It was really a great and magical moment between us.

The weather was getting colder and I had then decided to change the scene. ‘How about we go back to my place, Luke and dance there? I have a good size of a living space.’

Luke agreed to move and off we went to catch the 118 bus to my flat. When we arrived at the flat, we both had a tea, talked about music and our passion to learn more Tango steps. We then logged on Youtube.com and found a great video for us to practice a new move at our Sunday class. We moved the furniture to make more space and started to practice over and over the new move with George able to lead forwards and backwards.

‘Are you looking at your feet?’, I said.’ Cause you know you are not suppose to be looking down.’ I gently slapped his bottom. Luke laughed. He seemed to have liked it. ‘Remember, you’re the man. Come on!’

Our evening kept going and going till 1:30am. I felt very close to him holding him very tightly, but something was missing. I just couldn’t pin it. It was getting late though, and I made him take the night bus back to his house. Luke didn’t know the neighborhood so I had to escort him to the bus stop.

We sat on the bench while Luke was getting nervous. ‘I wonder if there is a bus.’, Luke said. ‘If not, oh shit.’

‘Nah, there has to be a bus. In fact, we are five minutes early, so don’t worry. If not, oh man, I’m going to kill somebody’.

Luke raised his eyebrows.’What? You are going to kill somebody!?

Again, slang expressions must not be used with someone non-native, however if you have the time to explain to them, do it. ‘I’m not going to kill somebody. It’s a slang expression for I’m going to be very upset and might tell someone off, Luke.  But don’t worry, I won’t kill anyone’

Luke laughed, ‘OH I get it. Ok. But yeah, I hope this bus comes soon.’

The bus came 4 minute late from the due time and Luke jumped on the bus and left. I was very glad to do something amazing that evening with someone, especially with a good man. As I walked home, I started to wonder if I should had offered him to stay, but I felt it wasn’t right. After all, it was the third time seeing him in five days.

Day Fifteenth

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When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window – Maria from The Sound Of Music

Yesterday was two weeks since we said good-bye through Skype. It feel so long ago, but it’s only been two weeks. I had a very good day at work, but when I came home, I found myself daydreaming from the time I left work to when I arrived back home.

I imagine that I leave James a note through a text or Facebook that I’m going to be at a certain location at a certain time if he wants to meet me after months of no conversation. James gets all excited, so he drops everything and comes to me at Greenwich Park at the top point overlooking London, but I’m not there. So then I send him a text saying,

Ara: I’m waiting for you at our spot.

James would think for a second and know in that moment, that it would be on the side of a hill overlooking London through the trees. The area is a bush off the path place, but it has an amazing view. That’s where James and I spent at least 2 hours sitting at that spot talking and kissing in the summer of July. It was also the day I told him that I was in love with him.

Ok so back to the daydream! 

….James starts to walk quickly thinking, ‘Shit, I can’t lose her’ and then starts to run. James doesn’t want to lose this chance of seeing her face to face, especially after a very long time and thinking about his biggest mistake. As James arrives, he sees a figure standing up looking very beautiful with dark hair….he knows it’s me.

‘Ara’, he cries out.

I turn to look at James very slowly with the wind in my hair. I go up to him as James pulls out his hand to help me up to the path. ‘Ara…I can’t believe you are here. You are finally here. And you look…wow…absolutely amazing!’

I’m a bit flattered of course by all his talk. ‘Thanks James. It’s great to be back in London. I’m finally here again.’

James starts to get emotional. ‘Ara, I know it sounds crazy, but I have been thinking about you; about us. We have had such amazing times and now that you are here in London, all I want to do is relive them with you. I just want to be with you. What do you think? Is there a way to forgive me for all this? Because I’m so sorry Ara. Really, I am. Trust me on this.’

‘How can I trust you, James? I gave you everything. I gave you my body, mind and soul and you still fucked me over. I trusted you so much, but you just took over me. I was lied to when you were still on OK Cupid, you excluded me from your friends/family and you made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of you. I did everything you asked me to do and still it wasn’t enough. How can I even trust you again? How can I learn to love you again?’

James without hesitation, ‘Ara, just give me a chance, please! I promise you that I will never ever leave your side no matter what. And I’ll take care of you. I’ll prove to you that I’m the one for you….and to show you that we are meant to be. I know it.’

Daydreaming this garbage makes me sick. Makes me sad and upset. So yesterday I came back home with this daydream soap opera in my head and went straight to bed and cried. I spent an hour thinking of nothing in my head. I’ve always lived in my daydreams; they must stop. It’s hard, but it must stop.

When I find out next month about my finances to go to grad school in London officially, I kid you not, I will put up a dating ad again on the same website I met James and I’ll click on his profile so he can see mine, then James will have to see that I’m on it again, so he’ll click on my profile and read:

“Hey guys, well I’m back from living in Poland and now soon to be living in London in January and I’m ready to meet a real man. No, not a guy who doesn’t know what he wants, but a man who knows what his needs are. I’m single ready to mingle.”

James will read it and get upset. I will be like, ‘HA!’ You think I was going to sit around and wait for you?’

Tonight I’m going out with the guy I met through Tango named Luke. I tell you he’s a very sweet guy, but not sure how he’s going to dress up today cause we are going out to the old town in Warsaw. Let’s just see how nice and interesting this man is. But in reality, I don’t see much happening. He makes me feel good, but not sure. I don’t even know where I’ll be heading next month so it’s all in a limbo state.

I also thought about why it was easy for me to let go of my ex in 2012 and can’t get rid of James: I knew I wasn’t going to live in London in a very long time vs. I don’t know whether London will be my home or not in January building up these stupid daydreams and hopes.

I haven’t heard from George, which is cool cause I see him tomorrow. We’ll see what happens then. In the meantime, I know yesterday James was out and maybe with a girl; He didn’t check his Facebook at all from 7pm and on wards. I’m thinking the worst: he spent the night with someone else.

I really hate Facebook Messenger. Is there a way to get rid of it? I want to. But maybe I should play with fire too. Check in at places and put pictures up, especially one of me with the dress I bought in London and asked him to zip it up on me just to see how it looks. James thought it was very pretty, but what a shame because I won’t be wearing it for him first. It will be worn for Luke instead 😀

Between Day Nine and Ten

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The weekend was filled with some tears and new happiness. Writing about the past with James has been tough for me. In fact, on Day Nine I looked at our videos when we went to my friend’s wedding in May and our time in July. James didn’t like being filmed nor photographed, but he had an exception with me. The deal was that I wouldn’t put them put on Facebook for people to see; James is a very private man. So our memories, pictures, even voice recordings are stored in my phone and camera.

Yes, I said voice recordings. When I had the chance, I would record our conversations together without James’s consent. I also have another silly confession: I even recorded James’s sleeping next to me in audio for 45 minutes so I could replay it someday while I was in Warsaw as if he was sleeping next to me. Sounds creepy, right? Geez, I can’t believe I let you in on that secrete.

My plans for Saturday were suppose to be going out with an ex-student of mine by the name of Jan. However, I had a slightly feeling he was going to cancel on me. I then remembered that I belong to a certain website where people meet from all over the world and sleep at their houses for free. I checked in and saw that they had a get together on that same evening just minutes from my flat! I clicked the ‘yes’ button to attend this get together. I had two hours to get ready.

I showed up to this meeting and couldn’t find anyone. I walked around for a bit, and still no one. Then about 10 minutes later, a Hispanic looking male came up to me.

‘Are you looking for the get together group?’ he said. I sighed with relief, ‘Yes! Oh I thought I was the only one. I’ve been looking around and can’t seem to find this group.’ He pulled out a cigarette. He was at least content that he wasn’t alone in this situation. ‘Oh good,’ He said. ‘I’m just here for one night. I just arrived from Canada and leaving somewhere else tomorrow. You’re the first person I meet in Warsaw’.

Within 5 minutes, another couple showed up and then slowly everyone had came in. By one hour, it was at least 15 people from all over the world talking and discussing things. Within this group I met George who was from Scotland. I was intrigued since he was from Scotland and I don’t really have Scottish friends, but it was nice to hear someone speak English fluently and I really enjoyed his company.

I hope it wasn’t rude, but I didn’t speak to many other people but George and two others. I kept it more interested with George since we seemed to have things in common like recent heartaches and breakups. I told George a bit about James and he fully understood. Our 8pm meeting went on till past midnight. I was getting cold and tired, yet I didn’t want the evening to end. It was very nice that George was very talkative and friendly.

At the end of our evening, George accompanied me to my flat since it was towards his direction of his flat. I could feel he was getting closer to me from the side bumping into me. George’s body language was telling me to be prepared for something.

We arrived at my gate entrance to the flat. We both were a bit nervous.

‘So, this is where I live’, I said. I pointed to the direction he should walk. ‘If you keep going up this street, you’ll get to the river and you then turn to your left and you’ll see your bridge.’

George smiled and nodded. ‘Alright, well thank you. I think I’ll find it.’

I opened my arms in front of me not knowing what to do. ‘Um, well how do we say “Good-Bye”? With a hand shake or hug?’

George came towards me, got me by the arms and gave me a light peck kiss on the lips. Pause. Kissed me again. Pause. And then full on in a gentle nice way. I clearly wasn’t expecting this, but I went with it. It feels nice to be kissed softly. Reminded me of when James would kiss me in bed after making love.

I didn’t want that night to end. The thought of having a male with me to cuddle me and spend time together was something I needed. I missed being next to a man. The last man I was with was James. The idea of having the scent of a man near me, to comfort me, to hold me, to kiss me in bed under the covers, to touch the back of my neck and hair while kissing me…are the things I miss with James. But James isn’t here. He left me empty. I needed a temporary fill-in.

‘Ok, well…now that you kissed me, I was thinking if you would like to come up with me to my flat and have a cup of tea. Also, you can spend the night with me, but I personally do not want to be sexual.’ George knew where I was coming from and he understood. He came up with me, had a good conversation over tea, put my pj’s on, watched a Simpson’s episode on YouTube, kissed for a bit and went to sleep.

Day Seven

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It’s my first official week being single.

And it’s my first day being pissed off at him. Finally, I’m angry at James for what he did to me.

I started to think why did he get with me on June 22nd? Why did he decided to take a leap of faith?

On June 4th, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend Greg. I had to let him go to see if it was true love between James and I. I had text James that day that it was over with Greg and he was out shopping for his world cup holiday with his buddies around Europe. Though there was someone else who consoled me during this break up.

This is where Ben comes in. Ben was a guy who I met in Radom, Poland last year while walking on the street on my first day living in Poland. Sweet guy, young, can be a bit naive, but very handsome with big arms, arrogant and confident.

Nothing like James. James is the opposite: thin arms, bit of a belly with a bit of man boobs, thin hands and feet, somewhat attractive with a double clef chin and big ears and not so confident.

So, Ben and I were chatting a lot during this time. In fact, he got very close and told me he was very interested in me. I kept him there and loved chatting with him. It was though around this time when I got single that he decided to do something daring while texting through Whatsapp:

Ben: Well in order to cheer you up, I would like to see you for you birthday in Warsaw. What do you think about that?

Ara: No I wouldn’t dare. You don’t have to.

Ben: But I want to. It would be great to see you again. And I can treat you out for your birthday.

Ara: Can you buy me a lamp? I need one for my room.

Ben: Umm….how much are lamps in Poland?

——————————————-

Yes, I wanted a lamp at that time, but don’t need one since I bought one myself at IKEA.

But yes, there was a moment after this break up that I was free and Ben was taking it up and loving it versus James, who kept quiet and not so communicative with me.

I had a friend who advised me to do the following: Ignore James.

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Basic Rules for showing James that I don’t need him and having a fun time with other people:

Rule number 1: Don’t text him.

Rule number 2: Don’t reply to him till hours or next day.

Rule number 3: Keep the text short and simple.

Rule number 4: Post pictures and check-in’s up on FB and brag on how you are having a great time with friends and having fun.

Rule number 5: If you see him online, don’t say hello. Wait till he does. Just don’t make the first move.

———————————————————-

I was very close to Ben and close to say yes to him. However, I wanted to play these rules to James as a one last attempt make him open his eyes. I did these rules while he was on holiday and believe me, I had him where I wanted. I got this message at around the early hours from him through Facebook:

James: Oh. If there is someone new what can I do? Nevermind I guess I regroup then go again.
This is why I can’t do distance. If someone is there they are there. That’s worth more. You cannot compete.
From this situation, came an argumentative chat on Facebook which lasted about one hour and it involved a lot of crying and frustration. At the end this came out:
I said to him, ‘James, no you don’t care about me because if you did, you would take me now.’
James said, ‘I can’t take you now you are too far. If you want to make a plan then i will help you. I said I would’
From those talks came out even more two days later and that’s when we made it official. James wanted to work it out with me and have a chance before any other man came into my life to take my heart. He wanted the chance.
I gave James my heart, the chance to be with me and give him everything. James failed me at the end. He wasn’t strong enough to carry me through. In fact, I’m a bit sad now to think that I took a huge leap of faith to just get hurt after all these strong words with James. James said that my passion knocks him over at times. I guess I was too much for him.
Whatever the case is, tonight I will cry on my pillow and think of him. Looking back at these messages gets me back to the moments when I was so happy. I thought ‘Finally, I have won over his heart.’ But it wasn’t much.
True love means not giving up on their partners.

Day Five

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I have been thinking a lot the past 24 hours about James. I think he had someone else on the side.

When I was over in London about a week ago, I went through his wallet while he was sleeping. I don’t know why, but I wanted to go through it.

I found two receipts on two evenings he told me he was out with friends. The dinner was a bit late and also, it looks like he paid for two and not for himself. Isn’t that odd? I never questioned it because I trusted him. But now thinking of what has happened, it seems like he went on some sort of date.

You see three weeks ago, I caught him on OK Cupid. On his profile it said, ‘Single’ and the last time he checked was that day at midday. I was on OK Cupid because I was getting messages that there were guys interested in me, when I remember I deactivated my account about a year ago. I checked if he was still on (because he told me he was deactivated) and of course, he was still active.

That was my warning sign. I should had seen it.

I’m thinking he went on a date with this girl and it went great. Then maybe he kept in touch and who knows what he told her, ‘Oh I have a friend over from Warsaw for a couple of days, so I won’t be able to see you, but hopefully we will soon’ I could just picture it now what he said. And it gets me upset because I trusted James. I trusted him with all my heart and soul and to think that he could be capable to doing this is unbelievable. I say it’s FUCKING selfish of him!

We broke up when I started to a) plan the flights to see him often and b) when I got accepted to grad school in London.

Yes, I have been accepted to grad school in London 😀 And I found out on a Wednesday. James broke up with me on a Thursday.

My mother, who I love very much said, ‘Pos de dejo porque tu de hibas a mudar para Londres y como tenia otra vieja, pos de dejo!’ (Well he left you because you were serious to move to London and since he was seeing someone else, he let you go)

I feel stupid because I really think he did this to me now. It makes me want to go on OK Cupid just to spy on him to see if he’s checking out other women. I know him. I’m thinking he doesn’t need time to heal what he did to me; he was already maybe dating someone.

But we had a great time I tell you when I was there for six days: I made love to him every night and believe me, a man who is guilty of thinking ‘oh shit I’m going to break her heart’ wouldn’t be doing that to me. He broke up with me cause he said he couldn’t live knowing this and this was depressing him….now don’t you think he would had told me or shown it during this time?! Not even once! He kept holding my hand, kissing me in public and being the boyfriend that he was; it just doesn’t make sense.

Last night I spoke to a very good friend called Angie and she told me to heal first and love myself first before going out into the world.

Ara, you must ask God for forgiveness and accept him back into your life. He knows what he’s doing for you. Trust him.

I started to be a bit of an atheist because of James. He has no hope, pessimistic and an atheist. And I’m the opposite. I guess opposites attract right?

So following my friend’s advice, I went to meet my ex- Polish boyfriend, Greg at the regular Starbucks we used to meet while we were dating in the center of Warsaw. He looked very nice, gained a bit of an extra belly, but his eyes and his face looked very well. He was serious looking, (like many Polish people) and just listening as I did the talking. I wanted to see him to express my sincere sorry for what I did to him.

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Greg and I had a great relationship at the beginning, however we had communication problems due to him having English as a second language, which made our relationship at times hell. What made our relationship more separable from each other was James.

I was still in love with James. I got with Greg in 2013 about a year ago. James pushed me off in late September telling me I was obsessed with the idea of us being together, so then with a broken heart, I decided to move on and got with Greg. During the 3-4th month of dating, James came back into my life. We started to text again and from there we started to do Skype meetings. I then went in February 2014 to visit him and well…..

I think you know what I did next.

From that moment I knew I was in love with James still and not with Greg. It was a very cruel thing to do and I feel really bad about what I did, but if I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t had known what James and I had. It had to be discovered. And the worst part of it all: I have no regrets.

I left Greg in June of this year because I need to figure out what James and I had. I had to do it. It was killing me. And it was very hard to let him go, but I had to. And also we didn’t get along majority of the time. I blame it for being in love with James and wanting to be in London and not in Warsaw.

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We met today for two hours and talked about the past. Well I did more of the talking than he did, but I was nervous laughing about the times when he made me cry or when we would have a huge fight.

He wasn’t laughing.

‘Sorry, Greg for laughing. I’m not laughing about the situation, but it was a long time ago and I’m nervous’

‘Why are you nervous, Ara?’

‘I don’t know.’, I said wondering if what I will say next won’t make me feel weak. ‘I just been thinking a lot about the past and the way I left you…the way we ended things…was terrible and it’s something that I live knowing. And I’m sorry about it all. You did everything in your power to save the relationship and I didn’t I failed you. And I’m sorry.’

He looked at me with this serious face,’ Well that was a long time ago, Ara so I can’t feel anything.’

‘Um…Greg, that was three months ago’

‘I know but everything has changed and I have moved on and you have moved on. And nothing has changed for me, Ara, so I still feel the same’

So my ex wasn’t moved by my words, but I shed a tear when I told him how deeply sorry I was. I hurt two people during this process of having James in my life. I risked love twice and for what? To walk out with emptiness.

But as my friend Angie says, I need to ask for forgiveness in order to be able to find peace in my heart and move on. The only one I can’t forgive at the moment is James.

My love and passion is now turning into being deceived, lied and cheated. Is that wrong of me to think this way?

Tonight I plan to send him a text. I want to tell him that I got the Direct Loan approval that my credit is good and that I could receive a student loan. I know he would be happy to hear this, yet don’t know how to do it. I’m not ready to have a conversation with him. Just want him to say ok great and good night. It’s all I want to hear.

In Between Day Three and Four

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I thought, ‘How am I suppose to move on, if I could still smell his scent and see his t-shirt?’

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On the night we broke up while chatting via cam on Skype, I had a blank mind.

‘James, I don’t know what to do,’ I said in a quivered voice as I was trying to hold back tears. ‘I really don’t know….wait give me a minute.’

I got up from my bed and started to collect the diary I had written about us, a book called All About Us, (a great book filled with questions to ask your partner) which had entries filled out, three picture frames of us together and the birthday card James sent me on my 34th birthday.

James was just on the camera looking miserable with puffy eyes since he had been crying. I’ve never seen him like this before. He looked devastated.

‘Ok, I think I know what’s next, but ok.’

I didn’t want to let him go. I don’t know when I would see him next. Those thoughts raced through my head. I can look back and think, ‘Should I had said something else?’ But I told him the words that should be powerful enough for anyone to change their mind and heart.

‘I love you, James. I really love you. And I will miss you terribly’. I wasn’t sure if I should had asked him, but I did because hey, you will always look back and think about it. Might as well go all the way.

‘James, can you please give me a kiss?’

James nodded and took his hand placing it over his lips and sent me a kiss. ‘Oh James, I love you so much. Thank you.’

‘Take care, Ara. Take care.’

I sent him a kiss as well and with a wave and tears, the conversation ended.

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Last night, I looked at my bed and there was his yellow striped gray t-shirt that I had stolen from him. When I had confessed on Tuesday that I took it from his dresser, he said, ‘You bad girl.’ Those words still ring in my head.

I decided to do the bravest thing: I took the t-shirt off the pillow and stored the shirt away with the rest of the things that remind me of us in the closet.

James Tshirt

It was a very hard thing to do, but somehow thought that if I want to move on without him I need to stop having things about him or us.

Stop reflecting the past and live the future

But yes, last night I slept without it and felt odd this morning waking up. In fact, I went to bed late and woke up early at around 4am and staying up till 7am. I have weird sleeping patterns at the moment. I imagine over and over again scenarios of us meeting again at Greenwich Park or I’ll be walking down the street and we will bump into each other. I also have daydream scenarios of him looking for me…whatever it is…I’m living in daydreams. I need to stop thinking that I’ll see him and that all will work out at the end. He wants me to be happy. That’s why he let me go, right?

I’m off to do some things and go for another walk.

Take everything with baby steps.

Day Three

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Well today has been a pretty bad day.

The day started slow, but managed to get up and clean the kitchen and toilet and washed my clothes for the week.

The idea of going back to work with children depresses me at the moment. I really hope I could manage this week. I must. It also gives me something to do and be busy because I can’t be stuck to the computer.

Sundays are a day to be more online than outdoors for me. Though today was a very nice sunny day, I did manage to do the things I’ve been needing to do: bought vitamins, printed out student loan deferment sheets, and went veggie shopping at my store a.k.a. Bidronka (ladybug in Polish).

I also had friends writing to me and asking if I was alright and if anything, they are here to listen to me vent. I really appreciate it because it shows that people do care for me.

Your ex doesn’t love and want you, but you are wanted and loved by others

But usually on Sundays I would talk to James on Skype. That was our weekly ritual thing to do. Tonight, there will be no Skype meeting.

I really miss hearing his voice. I have videos and voice recordings of him that I did without him knowing, but I don’t want to play them. At times today I thought about the ‘what if’ situations because I’ve have friends on Facebook that told me maybe there is a possibility that we might get back together, but honestly the idea of that makes me depressed too. I have to let him go.

I started to ponder about why was it easy to forget about him a year ago and so difficult to forget about him now? Last year, he pushed me away from his life because he was out traveling. He told me I was obsessed with him and with illusions that we would work out to be together someday. So I remember crying my eyes out, and saying ‘Fuck you, James’ and that was the end of it. Three weeks later I was dating a Polish man. James didn’t like it that I moved on so quick. We had no contact for two months.

But today has been an odd sad day where I heard from past boyfriends and potentials that they are now dating or engaged.

Oh great.

I’m single and there is no one who makes me feel ‘special’….right now.

I had a great chat with Bob, my ex-boyfriend of 2.5 years. He was a great boyfriend and we had the most amazing time together. I told him what had happened to me and he said, ‘Ara, you’re a strong woman’.

‘I know Bob, but James sucked the life out of me. He made me go atheist. I just don’t believe in God anymore or if there is anything out there.’

He also said the following which I will quote:

Ah don’t think like that. There is something there. Just have faith that you are looked after and that every experience you have will be an opportunity for growth and learning, including the bad ones, especially the bad ones cause that’s when we learn the most about ourselves. Well just remember please yourself first and build your life around that and if anyone wants to share in that but don’t let other people dictate how you should run your life.

Bob is right. I’m so happy that he’s still in my life. I knew he was meant to be in my life somehow. After speaking to Bob, who also advised me to mediate, I had to go for a walk and vent out on the phone, but this time to my mother and sister again.

‘Otra vez sigues llorando? Ya para de llorar. Estas loca’ (You’re crying again? Stop crying. You must be crazy.)

Thank you, mother. I really need to hear this right now.

I also spoke to Genny and she also told me to stay strong and she knows why I’m crying.

‘Ara, you’re crying because you had illusions and dreams to be next to you. He promised you things and then he backed out. The one at fault is him, not you. You did your best, so don’t feel bad.’

I was looking out at the Vistula (I live very near by) and was thinking of how I just want this pain to end or the feeling of being empty and sad. I visualized myself jumping in from the bridge, but I would never do that. I love life, but just finding it hard to live without him.

I had so many dreams…well we had dreams together. We dreamed about how many kids we would have, how his family would like my Mexican cooking skills, where we would get married and how our kids would have to support Forest and not Arsenal. We just had dreams built…and now they are gone.

Also the toughest thing to swallow is that I broke my ex boyfriend’s heart (Greg) and had a chance to be with an amazing man who was giving me his heart and soul but I ended up choosing James, because I love and trusted him. It’s a bit of a long story, but someday I’ll go over this story as well.

I’m focusing myself on the future tonight. I must. I have to move on and get rid of this. I’m really hurt by James. I should be upset with him, but I’m not.

At times I keep reliving our last weekend together and start to look for clues that he was giving me as a sign that it was over, but personally, I can’t find them. I really can’t. I swear I should give him the award for best actor. And to think I got a Masters degree in teaching actors.

Day Two

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Today wasn’t as bad as yesterday. I woke up very early to find myself finishing Day One entry. I felt satisfied finally posting something that I really have worked hard on; able to express how I really feel about James.

But today was a very different day. I never thought it would end this way.

Throughout the day, I thought about James. I started to replay our last days together just recently in London. A week ago James and I were dancing in his living room while drinking to Polish Rye Vodka and Coke picking music from Spotify. We started off the dancing session with The Whole Of The Moon song by The Waterboys.

‘I have been dying to dance this song with you’, I said while I held out my hands towards him as he sat on the couch looking at me with puppy eyes. I played the song and said, ‘Come on, let’s dance babe’.

James held out his hands as I pulled him up from the couch and straight into my arms singing to each other. It was literally an amazing evening.  We also had many other songs that we danced to such as Alive and Walking on a Dream by Empire of the Sun (he introduced me to this band by sending me Walking on a Dream which was the most overplayed song in my Jeep for 2013), Banquet by Bloc Party, Time to Pretend by MGMT, We Danced Together by The Rakes, Signed, Sealed and Delivered by Stevie Wonder, and one that I was pretty surprised to hear.

‘Babe, why don’t you play a Motown song?’

He looked at me surprised and clicked on the play button. The music started to play as I was finishing the sentence. I had a smile on my face on what I heard next. What song did James choose for us to dance?

The Sweetest Feeling by Jackie Wilson.

I remember holding and kissing each other very close. The lyrics rung through my ears and into my heart. What was he trying to tell me? I make him very happy if he picked this song to dance with me.

It was then after of couple of songs later, that I vaguely remember, that we started to make love on the floor. In fact, it was this evening when we had unprotected sex for the first time. I knew in that moment that he really cared for me; James hasn’t had unprotected sex with anyone in years.

That was a week ago. Today, I’m alone back in Warsaw hanging on to his t-shirt.

I have to confess that I have cried on his t-shirt (used as a pillowcase) at least twice today talking to myself saying over and over, ‘You are gone, James. You are gone.’

I also found some hair strands on top that he had left in my room in his visit to Warsaw in August and let me tell you that I cried hysterically. The image of him being in my room, laying on my bed, making love in my room and all the times I have loved caressing his hair are just memories. In fact, I would always caress James’s hair and held on to him during the night as we slept as if I knew that someday I was to lose him. Maybe my gut feeling was telling me something, yet ignored it. Maybe I was meant to lose him all along.

But why did he pick that song to dance with me when he told me he couldn’t match the love I had for him? Why that song?

I can’t even play any of our songs nor see the titles because I get very sad and cry. Just don’t understand. What the fuck was he thinking?

I had written on Facebook that I was going to go inactive, however I decided not to and I had a great friend who game me some advice: write it up on FB so the world can see that it’s over.

There were some friends who knew about James, but not many knew since majority of my FB friends thought that I was still with Greg. I felt great writing about James and what we had, but when Facebook asks for a picture to put up, I looked and when I saw our pictures, I cried like mad again on his t-shirt. After sometime I was strong enough to put at least two pictures up and wrote the following (and  here is our background story):

In 2009 I dated James who was one of the few I dated between September-November time, however I at the end became exclusive to Bob (my ex) so James and I became friends and nothing more till 2013, when I went over in the summer of last year and was seeing him exclusive spending my birthday and summer days next to him. Then came a separation: He went to South America and I went to Poland to teach. Within those months apart, we kept in touch, but in September of 2013, James pushed me off and I had to move on, therefore dating Greg. I was with Greg till June of this year. I ended the relationship with Greg, because I was still in love with James. I couldn’t forget him. James couldn’t forget me either.

So with James it was an off and on and off and on relationship throughout this year and in late June, after being single for three weeks, James asked me to be his girl and give our relationship finally a try long distance.

I agreed. For 3 months I had been exclusive to him and love him throughout my years and growing to love him just the way he was. I did everything for him. EVERYTHING and at the end, hurting two people and sacrificing money and time, he decided that it was going no where and that it was getting him depressed and down which therefore he has let me go. I couldn’t beg him and convince him so because I saw he was in too much pain, I also agreed.

I not just loss my boyfriend, but my best friend, my partner, my love and my soul mate. We are so perfect together, but because of distance, it has killed our dream.

Another question is why can’t we move together? Well it’s very hard for Americans to get a working visa at the moment in UK so I’m still working on that. He didn’t want to move to Poland. He didn’t want to marry me as well so we knew the answers, but just didn’t want to let go of each other cause well…we were perfect together.

I can’t tell you how many times I have read this today. But that is the truth. This was our love and this is how it ended.

After spending majority of the day inside the house while the weather was very nice in Warsaw (and it’s going to get worst soon so might as well make the best out of it) I went to see three co-workers in the East of Warsaw. We spoke a bit about this relationship and told them about this blog which they were very happy that I decided to write about it. Also one of my great friends recited a love poem, yet I don’t know the name of the poem or author, so I hope to find out by Day Three to put it up. They also made me some great tea and this wonderful apple cider which I was delicious! I really enjoyed my time there and needed to stop thinking about James for a while.

For good times and bad times, friends are there with you to help you get through.

Then came the hardest part of the evening when it was time to watch a classical musical theater film, Oklahoma!  The first 1.5 hours of the film were great, but once it got towards talking about marriage and love, I started to feel down. Curly really loved that woman and showed her a good time. Why didn’t I see the signs with James? James was showing me his love in a certain way and I thought it was just his way….I feel tricked or stupid. But the next time I fall in love, it will be very different:

The man has to meet you half ways with your feelings and treat you like a princess to know it’s love.

I don’t think I’m ready to see these things yet. I left their flat feeling empty, (not because of them, but because of the topic of the film) and went to visit Elizabeth’s new flat in the center of town. I wanted to go home, but felt I needed to be with more company. We did the tarot cards (yes again) and found out some answers about ex-suitors (the ones that I ignored and hurt because of James) and how they feel about me. After two hours of talking and venting, I had decided to take the last tram of the evening where it would leave me in Old Town Warsaw and walk 17 minutes from there. It was a chilly night today, so walked a bit quicker. I decided to take a short cut through the park, which isn’t safe at times in Warsaw while texting with an iPhone, when I saw a young tall gentleman intoxicated blocking the path with his arms spread open.

Was this a sign? Did my angels send him down to give me a hug?

Well I went straight into his arms and gave him a hug. I could see he was VERY intoxicated that he couldn’t keep a good balance.

‘Oh, hello there.’ I said with a slow tempo not sure if he understood English. ‘ How are you?’

‘I’m fine. Oh…and how are you?’

‘Ah I’m a bit sad’

‘Oh why!?’

‘Because my boyfriend broke up with me two days ago.’

‘Oh no! Really?’ taking his hands to my face, ‘You are so beautiful’.

‘Ah thank you. I bet you say that to everyone.’

‘No, you are’. He takes me to the nearest lamp post, stares at me and touches my face again. ‘I could see that you are beautiful’.

I asked for his name and his name was Luke. At first he said he was 25, but then corrected himself later on that evening to say that he was 22 years old.

‘And how old are you?’

‘Do you want to guess?’

He takes my hand and we start walking down the path towards my house. ‘ I think you are 26 years old. Am I correct?’

I’m 12 years his senior.

‘Oh yes, you got it right. You’re good. But yes, I am older than you.’

‘It doesn’t matter, because you are so pretty and beautiful.’ Stopping, he takes a hold of my face again and kisses me! And I kissed him back! And I could taste his cigarette and beer breath. Luke was kissing me so passionate and it was only after 2-3 minutes of conversation that he decided to give it a snog.

I can’t believe I kissed him back and was enjoying it, though scared he would throw up on me.

We took a walk for a while, advised him to throw up to make him feel better, but all he kept wanting to do is look at me and kiss me every once in a while. He kept asking where we were going and what were we going to do. I knew he wanted to have sex with me, but there was no way I could give him my body and I wasn’t in the mood to really have sex with another man after being dumped, especially when I would make love to James.

Luke had other plans after I told him that I wasn’t going to take him home and that we weren’t going to have sex. He then took me through this little grass area near a historical building and threw me to the ground and jumped on me very aggressively. Instead of hitting him or shouting, I just tried to calm him down and kept kissing me passionately. He started to kiss my neck and touch my chest.

‘Luke, Luke, Luke, PLEASE stop ok? I know you want some of this but I can’t give you this ok?’

‘OK ok, I understand, but please kiss me.’

We spend at least 10 minutes kissing then he got me to roll on top of him and said, ‘Give me your hands’. I gave him my hands and the next thing I knew he had somehow taken off my top!!! How the hell did he do this!?! OMG it was really crazy!

‘OMG! If the cops find us like this I’m going to get deported back to the USA or not get my visa so give me back my top!!’

It was honestly very crazy. Luke was just a horny handsome young man. I managed to put my top back on and was able to get up.

‘Ok Luke, let’s take you home, Ok?’ I managed to get him up and walk near my house when I wanted to really help him find a cab, but then he turned around and said, ‘OK I can do it from here. Thank you for  a great night. You’re so beautiful’. He kissed me one last time and walked away through another path heading towards Old Town.

I can’t believe this just happened to me. What does all this mean?!

I got back into my flat and noticed that I had leaves all over my hair. I also had this certain part that felt wet, so I started to pull it out of my hair and I couldn’t believe what I was pulling out of my hair: It was a dead mushy slug!!!! OMG it freaked me out!!! In fact, I just tied my hair up so somewhere in my hair I still have parts of of the dead mushy slug.

But now I’m going to take a shower, wash that dead slug out of my hair and go to bed. I am too tired to cry about James tonight, but what happened with Luke was really and very weird. In that moment, in that time he just came to me as if to make me feel better. Life works in mysterious ways. Yes, I enjoyed the snogging, but I learned something else.

I am a beautiful woman.