Last night I had a surge of energy and came to a conclusion: James needs me to boost him up because he’s not happy man.

Last year around the same time he left me when he didn’t need me (he was travelling around South America).  For this reason of leaving me , I don’t know if he’s involved with someone else or he felt he just couldn’t handle me anymore so maybe he thought ‘Well that’s enough for me’ and instead of being a man of his word (promising me things that he would never let me go, that he would never go for someone else, work very hard on this long distance relationship, and that he would never leave my side), he pushed me away again.

James cried during our break up because he was letting go and finally on his own. He didn’t need me anymore. Through his eyes I was sucking his energy when he didn’t give me much; I had to supply the relationship’s energy for the both of us.

But it’s so odd that it has happened again to me twice during the same time. It was in late December of last year that we started to get closer again and I don’t know why I feel this odd feeling he’ll come back into my life again after November.

James comes in waves not sure of what he wants. He has a complicated mind. I think he wants simplify, but can’t obtain it. He likes to be pampered and loved. He also likes a lot of attention from his partner. I would give him attention by telling him sweet words such as ‘I love you my cute fucking sexy pale ginger’ and constantly love pleasing him by cooking him Mexican spicy food, baking for him cakes and pleasuring him. I don’t know how much more he wanted from me, but it was good enough for him to toss me because he had enough.

James needed me to give him this sense of hope. Though he says that he thinks he’s handsome, I think it’s the opposite for him in his head: he’s not handsome; He’s an average looking male. And if you compare him next to me in pictures, well…not to brag, but I’m a good looking woman next to him.

James also proved to me something that I didn’t know: He’s a weak man. I assumed he was a strong guy since he loves traveling around the world and doing some cool things, but deep inside, he’s a weak emotional man. He can’t express his thoughts and feelings at the moment so he suppresses them and when the moment is wrong (when it’s too late to fix) he brings it out.

How is James ever going to find someone else who can tolerate his ways of life? He’s a very stubborn man.

I never hate you for not loving me anymore. I hate myself for still loving you.

I am a very happy and loving woman. I am funny and full of energy. With him next to me, I brought life to him. He needs a woman who is more vibrant than him. But when the real ‘James’ comes out, it’s intolerable. We had a couple of mini arguments over text; his argumentative words are as if he was right and you were wrong or he caught you in something and you are looked bad to him.

Clearly, I overlooked all that because I love him. However, if you take the love out and the way James was talking to me, clearly it’s not of a friend, but of someone who didn’t trust me (someday I’ll have to put up the last year’s conversation online so you can understand how he responded to me when I said I had visions of us being together. He’s a dream crusher!)

I had the chance to be happy with Ben in June. I really did. And because of his fear of moving on with my life (losing that energy I gave him even as friends) he decided to sell me this dream of us being together and maybe leading to marriage if I agreed to be his girl. And as stupid as I was, I took his words and let Ben go.

Before breaking up, James asked me in person, ‘Are you talking to Ben again?’ I looked at him puzzled,’ Why would I talk to Ben again? Ben is not on speaking terms with me. I picked you as my boyfriend and not him, therefore we are not talking.’

I guess James was thinking, ‘Right, if Ara is talking back to Joe, then maybe she will have a chance with him again.’

What the fuck was he thinking? As if Ben was waiting for me with arms open? I hurt a man who really loved me and let him go for James’s selfish ways. OF COURSE, BEN’S NOT GOING TO TAKE ME BACK!

Clearly I need a man who is strong enough like me, or near my level. I get scared at dating people at my level, but I’m thinking now it’s time for a fresh start and a new chapter in my life. The thought of dating weak men turn me off, and I just couldn’t believe that James is a weak man.

Ben is a very strong man. We are chatting on Twitter here and there about topics, but nothing much. He’s dating someone at the moment, but don’t know anything else. I confessed to him that I was sorry for what I did, but he’s moving on and there is nothing I can do to gain him back.

For now, I daydream about James and the moments we had together. I wish I could compress them in a video with a background song which I love called Dogwood Blossom by Fionn Regan. A song about depression created by someone (I believe). All I know is that I wish I could hold him now again and relive my last weekend with him. It’s now a faded memory because I had to push a lot of it out of my head in order to keep my sanity. Maybe tomorrow I will try to write about our last days together  in London together in a brief outline so I could at least keep what is left in memory forever.

Keep climbing into my head without knockin’
And you fix yourself there like a map pin – Fionn Regan’s Dogwood Blossom