Tag: single

In Between Day Fifteen and Sixteen: Date with Luke

Miss BrokenHeartedLeave a comment

This was my first official date as a single woman after James decided to call it quits.

I was a bit nervous thinking, ‘Oh what to wear…’, but since the weather was very nice, I decided to wear a blue/white dress with a cream cardigan top and cream high heels. It was late evening for our meeting, however the weather in Poland can change drastically, so I wanted to take something else for warmth. I didn’t want to take my winter jacket because it was too warm to wear and I didn’t want to take my wind/rain coat because it was warm to wear. I went through my closet to find this sliver shawl that I had bought in May this year in London to wear for a wedding and with a date that evening: James. I haven’t worn that shawl since the wedding reception party. In fact, the whole outfit was a reminder of James: The heels were worn as well for the wedding and on my birthday last year with James, the dress was first seen by James and he also helped me zip it up and the shawl.

I had to put all of these things aside and tell myself, ‘Ara, he’s no longer here. You have to make new memories. Plus, it’s just clothes!’ I walked out with all of the items on and went to meet Luke in Old Town Warsaw.

I was expecting Luke to look handsome, but he looked like any other regular day; Levi’s Jeans and a long sleeve shirt. Nothing fancy. I was expecting him in slacks, button up shirt, looking very nice and with a flower in his hand, but I guess these expectations are too high for Luke.

‘Oh I thought you were going to be in slacks.’ I said.

Luke looked puzzled. ‘What are slacks?’

The trouble of dating someone whose first language isn’t English is a bit of a challenge. You will always have to correct them, fix their sentences, and give them new slang vocabulary words. I don’t mind, but at times, it does get to you. Though I’m going to make myself a new rule when dating foreigners: date them at a C1 Level, which means proficiency.

We went around the Old Town and crossed towards New Town area where we had to sit down for a while. I had worn the wrong shoes: high heels are not good for cobbled stone streets!

‘Oh don’t sit there!’, Luke said touching the benches.

‘Why? I don’t see anything on them.’

Luke shows me his fingers, ‘You see, the bench is wet and you’ll wet your dress, so let’s find some newspaper.’

Luke is a very sweet guy. VERY SWEET! And a gentleman as well. He’s the type of guy that a lovely quiet sweet girl would love to date. But why not me? Why wouldn’t I date him? I started to have feelings for him last week during Tango, but something had changed in me.

From the bench we went to see the fountains which are located in New Town Warsaw. They are very lovely at night all lighted up.

Then I came up with a great idea. ‘Luke, why don’t we practice tango here at the park?’

Luke looked at me again with that puzzled look, ‘You want to dance in the park in front of the people? Are you sure?’

I pulled out my phone and opened up my Spotify app, ‘Yah, why not? We can find a quiet spot where there isn’t many people around and we can dance it. What do you say?’

Hesitating for a bit, a smile came across his face,’Yeah, why not! Let’s do it!’

We then found a nice little area where not too many people were walking around away from the fountains since we needed to listen to the music. I picked a song from a tango list that I had found and once we found a pretty good song, we danced in the park for at least 30 minutes straight! It was great! I have never danced Tango at a park with anyone. It was really a great and magical moment between us.

The weather was getting colder and I had then decided to change the scene. ‘How about we go back to my place, Luke and dance there? I have a good size of a living space.’

Luke agreed to move and off we went to catch the 118 bus to my flat. When we arrived at the flat, we both had a tea, talked about music and our passion to learn more Tango steps. We then logged on Youtube.com and found a great video for us to practice a new move at our Sunday class. We moved the furniture to make more space and started to practice over and over the new move with George able to lead forwards and backwards.

‘Are you looking at your feet?’, I said.’ Cause you know you are not suppose to be looking down.’ I gently slapped his bottom. Luke laughed. He seemed to have liked it. ‘Remember, you’re the man. Come on!’

Our evening kept going and going till 1:30am. I felt very close to him holding him very tightly, but something was missing. I just couldn’t pin it. It was getting late though, and I made him take the night bus back to his house. Luke didn’t know the neighborhood so I had to escort him to the bus stop.

We sat on the bench while Luke was getting nervous. ‘I wonder if there is a bus.’, Luke said. ‘If not, oh shit.’

‘Nah, there has to be a bus. In fact, we are five minutes early, so don’t worry. If not, oh man, I’m going to kill somebody’.

Luke raised his eyebrows.’What? You are going to kill somebody!?

Again, slang expressions must not be used with someone non-native, however if you have the time to explain to them, do it. ‘I’m not going to kill somebody. It’s a slang expression for I’m going to be very upset and might tell someone off, Luke.  But don’t worry, I won’t kill anyone’

Luke laughed, ‘OH I get it. Ok. But yeah, I hope this bus comes soon.’

The bus came 4 minute late from the due time and Luke jumped on the bus and left. I was very glad to do something amazing that evening with someone, especially with a good man. As I walked home, I started to wonder if I should had offered him to stay, but I felt it wasn’t right. After all, it was the third time seeing him in five days.

Day Nine

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Last night I had a surge of energy and came to a conclusion: James needs me to boost him up because he’s not happy man.

Last year around the same time he left me when he didn’t need me (he was travelling around South America).  For this reason of leaving me , I don’t know if he’s involved with someone else or he felt he just couldn’t handle me anymore so maybe he thought ‘Well that’s enough for me’ and instead of being a man of his word (promising me things that he would never let me go, that he would never go for someone else, work very hard on this long distance relationship, and that he would never leave my side), he pushed me away again.

James cried during our break up because he was letting go and finally on his own. He didn’t need me anymore. Through his eyes I was sucking his energy when he didn’t give me much; I had to supply the relationship’s energy for the both of us.

But it’s so odd that it has happened again to me twice during the same time. It was in late December of last year that we started to get closer again and I don’t know why I feel this odd feeling he’ll come back into my life again after November.

James comes in waves not sure of what he wants. He has a complicated mind. I think he wants simplify, but can’t obtain it. He likes to be pampered and loved. He also likes a lot of attention from his partner. I would give him attention by telling him sweet words such as ‘I love you my cute fucking sexy pale ginger’ and constantly love pleasing him by cooking him Mexican spicy food, baking for him cakes and pleasuring him. I don’t know how much more he wanted from me, but it was good enough for him to toss me because he had enough.

James needed me to give him this sense of hope. Though he says that he thinks he’s handsome, I think it’s the opposite for him in his head: he’s not handsome; He’s an average looking male. And if you compare him next to me in pictures, well…not to brag, but I’m a good looking woman next to him.

James also proved to me something that I didn’t know: He’s a weak man. I assumed he was a strong guy since he loves traveling around the world and doing some cool things, but deep inside, he’s a weak emotional man. He can’t express his thoughts and feelings at the moment so he suppresses them and when the moment is wrong (when it’s too late to fix) he brings it out.

How is James ever going to find someone else who can tolerate his ways of life? He’s a very stubborn man.

I never hate you for not loving me anymore. I hate myself for still loving you.

I am a very happy and loving woman. I am funny and full of energy. With him next to me, I brought life to him. He needs a woman who is more vibrant than him. But when the real ‘James’ comes out, it’s intolerable. We had a couple of mini arguments over text; his argumentative words are as if he was right and you were wrong or he caught you in something and you are looked bad to him.

Clearly, I overlooked all that because I love him. However, if you take the love out and the way James was talking to me, clearly it’s not of a friend, but of someone who didn’t trust me (someday I’ll have to put up the last year’s conversation online so you can understand how he responded to me when I said I had visions of us being together. He’s a dream crusher!)

I had the chance to be happy with Ben in June. I really did. And because of his fear of moving on with my life (losing that energy I gave him even as friends) he decided to sell me this dream of us being together and maybe leading to marriage if I agreed to be his girl. And as stupid as I was, I took his words and let Ben go.

Before breaking up, James asked me in person, ‘Are you talking to Ben again?’ I looked at him puzzled,’ Why would I talk to Ben again? Ben is not on speaking terms with me. I picked you as my boyfriend and not him, therefore we are not talking.’

I guess James was thinking, ‘Right, if Ara is talking back to Joe, then maybe she will have a chance with him again.’

What the fuck was he thinking? As if Ben was waiting for me with arms open? I hurt a man who really loved me and let him go for James’s selfish ways. OF COURSE, BEN’S NOT GOING TO TAKE ME BACK!

Clearly I need a man who is strong enough like me, or near my level. I get scared at dating people at my level, but I’m thinking now it’s time for a fresh start and a new chapter in my life. The thought of dating weak men turn me off, and I just couldn’t believe that James is a weak man.

Ben is a very strong man. We are chatting on Twitter here and there about topics, but nothing much. He’s dating someone at the moment, but don’t know anything else. I confessed to him that I was sorry for what I did, but he’s moving on and there is nothing I can do to gain him back.

For now, I daydream about James and the moments we had together. I wish I could compress them in a video with a background song which I love called Dogwood Blossom by Fionn Regan. A song about depression created by someone (I believe). All I know is that I wish I could hold him now again and relive my last weekend with him. It’s now a faded memory because I had to push a lot of it out of my head in order to keep my sanity. Maybe tomorrow I will try to write about our last days together  in London together in a brief outline so I could at least keep what is left in memory forever.

Keep climbing into my head without knockin’
And you fix yourself there like a map pin – Fionn Regan’s Dogwood Blossom

Day Seven

Miss BrokenHeartedLeave a comment

It’s my first official week being single.

And it’s my first day being pissed off at him. Finally, I’m angry at James for what he did to me.

I started to think why did he get with me on June 22nd? Why did he decided to take a leap of faith?

On June 4th, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend Greg. I had to let him go to see if it was true love between James and I. I had text James that day that it was over with Greg and he was out shopping for his world cup holiday with his buddies around Europe. Though there was someone else who consoled me during this break up.

This is where Ben comes in. Ben was a guy who I met in Radom, Poland last year while walking on the street on my first day living in Poland. Sweet guy, young, can be a bit naive, but very handsome with big arms, arrogant and confident.

Nothing like James. James is the opposite: thin arms, bit of a belly with a bit of man boobs, thin hands and feet, somewhat attractive with a double clef chin and big ears and not so confident.

So, Ben and I were chatting a lot during this time. In fact, he got very close and told me he was very interested in me. I kept him there and loved chatting with him. It was though around this time when I got single that he decided to do something daring while texting through Whatsapp:

Ben: Well in order to cheer you up, I would like to see you for you birthday in Warsaw. What do you think about that?

Ara: No I wouldn’t dare. You don’t have to.

Ben: But I want to. It would be great to see you again. And I can treat you out for your birthday.

Ara: Can you buy me a lamp? I need one for my room.

Ben: Umm….how much are lamps in Poland?

——————————————-

Yes, I wanted a lamp at that time, but don’t need one since I bought one myself at IKEA.

But yes, there was a moment after this break up that I was free and Ben was taking it up and loving it versus James, who kept quiet and not so communicative with me.

I had a friend who advised me to do the following: Ignore James.

———————————————————–

Basic Rules for showing James that I don’t need him and having a fun time with other people:

Rule number 1: Don’t text him.

Rule number 2: Don’t reply to him till hours or next day.

Rule number 3: Keep the text short and simple.

Rule number 4: Post pictures and check-in’s up on FB and brag on how you are having a great time with friends and having fun.

Rule number 5: If you see him online, don’t say hello. Wait till he does. Just don’t make the first move.

———————————————————-

I was very close to Ben and close to say yes to him. However, I wanted to play these rules to James as a one last attempt make him open his eyes. I did these rules while he was on holiday and believe me, I had him where I wanted. I got this message at around the early hours from him through Facebook:

James: Oh. If there is someone new what can I do? Nevermind I guess I regroup then go again.
This is why I can’t do distance. If someone is there they are there. That’s worth more. You cannot compete.
From this situation, came an argumentative chat on Facebook which lasted about one hour and it involved a lot of crying and frustration. At the end this came out:
I said to him, ‘James, no you don’t care about me because if you did, you would take me now.’
James said, ‘I can’t take you now you are too far. If you want to make a plan then i will help you. I said I would’
From those talks came out even more two days later and that’s when we made it official. James wanted to work it out with me and have a chance before any other man came into my life to take my heart. He wanted the chance.
I gave James my heart, the chance to be with me and give him everything. James failed me at the end. He wasn’t strong enough to carry me through. In fact, I’m a bit sad now to think that I took a huge leap of faith to just get hurt after all these strong words with James. James said that my passion knocks him over at times. I guess I was too much for him.
Whatever the case is, tonight I will cry on my pillow and think of him. Looking back at these messages gets me back to the moments when I was so happy. I thought ‘Finally, I have won over his heart.’ But it wasn’t much.
True love means not giving up on their partners.

In Between Day Three and Four

Miss BrokenHeartedLeave a comment

I thought, ‘How am I suppose to move on, if I could still smell his scent and see his t-shirt?’

————————————————————————————————–

On the night we broke up while chatting via cam on Skype, I had a blank mind.

‘James, I don’t know what to do,’ I said in a quivered voice as I was trying to hold back tears. ‘I really don’t know….wait give me a minute.’

I got up from my bed and started to collect the diary I had written about us, a book called All About Us, (a great book filled with questions to ask your partner) which had entries filled out, three picture frames of us together and the birthday card James sent me on my 34th birthday.

James was just on the camera looking miserable with puffy eyes since he had been crying. I’ve never seen him like this before. He looked devastated.

‘Ok, I think I know what’s next, but ok.’

I didn’t want to let him go. I don’t know when I would see him next. Those thoughts raced through my head. I can look back and think, ‘Should I had said something else?’ But I told him the words that should be powerful enough for anyone to change their mind and heart.

‘I love you, James. I really love you. And I will miss you terribly’. I wasn’t sure if I should had asked him, but I did because hey, you will always look back and think about it. Might as well go all the way.

‘James, can you please give me a kiss?’

James nodded and took his hand placing it over his lips and sent me a kiss. ‘Oh James, I love you so much. Thank you.’

‘Take care, Ara. Take care.’

I sent him a kiss as well and with a wave and tears, the conversation ended.

———————————————————————————————-

Last night, I looked at my bed and there was his yellow striped gray t-shirt that I had stolen from him. When I had confessed on Tuesday that I took it from his dresser, he said, ‘You bad girl.’ Those words still ring in my head.

I decided to do the bravest thing: I took the t-shirt off the pillow and stored the shirt away with the rest of the things that remind me of us in the closet.

James Tshirt

It was a very hard thing to do, but somehow thought that if I want to move on without him I need to stop having things about him or us.

Stop reflecting the past and live the future

But yes, last night I slept without it and felt odd this morning waking up. In fact, I went to bed late and woke up early at around 4am and staying up till 7am. I have weird sleeping patterns at the moment. I imagine over and over again scenarios of us meeting again at Greenwich Park or I’ll be walking down the street and we will bump into each other. I also have daydream scenarios of him looking for me…whatever it is…I’m living in daydreams. I need to stop thinking that I’ll see him and that all will work out at the end. He wants me to be happy. That’s why he let me go, right?

I’m off to do some things and go for another walk.

Take everything with baby steps.

Day Two

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Today wasn’t as bad as yesterday. I woke up very early to find myself finishing Day One entry. I felt satisfied finally posting something that I really have worked hard on; able to express how I really feel about James.

But today was a very different day. I never thought it would end this way.

Throughout the day, I thought about James. I started to replay our last days together just recently in London. A week ago James and I were dancing in his living room while drinking to Polish Rye Vodka and Coke picking music from Spotify. We started off the dancing session with The Whole Of The Moon song by The Waterboys.

‘I have been dying to dance this song with you’, I said while I held out my hands towards him as he sat on the couch looking at me with puppy eyes. I played the song and said, ‘Come on, let’s dance babe’.

James held out his hands as I pulled him up from the couch and straight into my arms singing to each other. It was literally an amazing evening.  We also had many other songs that we danced to such as Alive and Walking on a Dream by Empire of the Sun (he introduced me to this band by sending me Walking on a Dream which was the most overplayed song in my Jeep for 2013), Banquet by Bloc Party, Time to Pretend by MGMT, We Danced Together by The Rakes, Signed, Sealed and Delivered by Stevie Wonder, and one that I was pretty surprised to hear.

‘Babe, why don’t you play a Motown song?’

He looked at me surprised and clicked on the play button. The music started to play as I was finishing the sentence. I had a smile on my face on what I heard next. What song did James choose for us to dance?

The Sweetest Feeling by Jackie Wilson.

I remember holding and kissing each other very close. The lyrics rung through my ears and into my heart. What was he trying to tell me? I make him very happy if he picked this song to dance with me.

It was then after of couple of songs later, that I vaguely remember, that we started to make love on the floor. In fact, it was this evening when we had unprotected sex for the first time. I knew in that moment that he really cared for me; James hasn’t had unprotected sex with anyone in years.

That was a week ago. Today, I’m alone back in Warsaw hanging on to his t-shirt.

I have to confess that I have cried on his t-shirt (used as a pillowcase) at least twice today talking to myself saying over and over, ‘You are gone, James. You are gone.’

I also found some hair strands on top that he had left in my room in his visit to Warsaw in August and let me tell you that I cried hysterically. The image of him being in my room, laying on my bed, making love in my room and all the times I have loved caressing his hair are just memories. In fact, I would always caress James’s hair and held on to him during the night as we slept as if I knew that someday I was to lose him. Maybe my gut feeling was telling me something, yet ignored it. Maybe I was meant to lose him all along.

But why did he pick that song to dance with me when he told me he couldn’t match the love I had for him? Why that song?

I can’t even play any of our songs nor see the titles because I get very sad and cry. Just don’t understand. What the fuck was he thinking?

I had written on Facebook that I was going to go inactive, however I decided not to and I had a great friend who game me some advice: write it up on FB so the world can see that it’s over.

There were some friends who knew about James, but not many knew since majority of my FB friends thought that I was still with Greg. I felt great writing about James and what we had, but when Facebook asks for a picture to put up, I looked and when I saw our pictures, I cried like mad again on his t-shirt. After sometime I was strong enough to put at least two pictures up and wrote the following (and  here is our background story):

In 2009 I dated James who was one of the few I dated between September-November time, however I at the end became exclusive to Bob (my ex) so James and I became friends and nothing more till 2013, when I went over in the summer of last year and was seeing him exclusive spending my birthday and summer days next to him. Then came a separation: He went to South America and I went to Poland to teach. Within those months apart, we kept in touch, but in September of 2013, James pushed me off and I had to move on, therefore dating Greg. I was with Greg till June of this year. I ended the relationship with Greg, because I was still in love with James. I couldn’t forget him. James couldn’t forget me either.

So with James it was an off and on and off and on relationship throughout this year and in late June, after being single for three weeks, James asked me to be his girl and give our relationship finally a try long distance.

I agreed. For 3 months I had been exclusive to him and love him throughout my years and growing to love him just the way he was. I did everything for him. EVERYTHING and at the end, hurting two people and sacrificing money and time, he decided that it was going no where and that it was getting him depressed and down which therefore he has let me go. I couldn’t beg him and convince him so because I saw he was in too much pain, I also agreed.

I not just loss my boyfriend, but my best friend, my partner, my love and my soul mate. We are so perfect together, but because of distance, it has killed our dream.

Another question is why can’t we move together? Well it’s very hard for Americans to get a working visa at the moment in UK so I’m still working on that. He didn’t want to move to Poland. He didn’t want to marry me as well so we knew the answers, but just didn’t want to let go of each other cause well…we were perfect together.

I can’t tell you how many times I have read this today. But that is the truth. This was our love and this is how it ended.

After spending majority of the day inside the house while the weather was very nice in Warsaw (and it’s going to get worst soon so might as well make the best out of it) I went to see three co-workers in the East of Warsaw. We spoke a bit about this relationship and told them about this blog which they were very happy that I decided to write about it. Also one of my great friends recited a love poem, yet I don’t know the name of the poem or author, so I hope to find out by Day Three to put it up. They also made me some great tea and this wonderful apple cider which I was delicious! I really enjoyed my time there and needed to stop thinking about James for a while.

For good times and bad times, friends are there with you to help you get through.

Then came the hardest part of the evening when it was time to watch a classical musical theater film, Oklahoma!  The first 1.5 hours of the film were great, but once it got towards talking about marriage and love, I started to feel down. Curly really loved that woman and showed her a good time. Why didn’t I see the signs with James? James was showing me his love in a certain way and I thought it was just his way….I feel tricked or stupid. But the next time I fall in love, it will be very different:

The man has to meet you half ways with your feelings and treat you like a princess to know it’s love.

I don’t think I’m ready to see these things yet. I left their flat feeling empty, (not because of them, but because of the topic of the film) and went to visit Elizabeth’s new flat in the center of town. I wanted to go home, but felt I needed to be with more company. We did the tarot cards (yes again) and found out some answers about ex-suitors (the ones that I ignored and hurt because of James) and how they feel about me. After two hours of talking and venting, I had decided to take the last tram of the evening where it would leave me in Old Town Warsaw and walk 17 minutes from there. It was a chilly night today, so walked a bit quicker. I decided to take a short cut through the park, which isn’t safe at times in Warsaw while texting with an iPhone, when I saw a young tall gentleman intoxicated blocking the path with his arms spread open.

Was this a sign? Did my angels send him down to give me a hug?

Well I went straight into his arms and gave him a hug. I could see he was VERY intoxicated that he couldn’t keep a good balance.

‘Oh, hello there.’ I said with a slow tempo not sure if he understood English. ‘ How are you?’

‘I’m fine. Oh…and how are you?’

‘Ah I’m a bit sad’

‘Oh why!?’

‘Because my boyfriend broke up with me two days ago.’

‘Oh no! Really?’ taking his hands to my face, ‘You are so beautiful’.

‘Ah thank you. I bet you say that to everyone.’

‘No, you are’. He takes me to the nearest lamp post, stares at me and touches my face again. ‘I could see that you are beautiful’.

I asked for his name and his name was Luke. At first he said he was 25, but then corrected himself later on that evening to say that he was 22 years old.

‘And how old are you?’

‘Do you want to guess?’

He takes my hand and we start walking down the path towards my house. ‘ I think you are 26 years old. Am I correct?’

I’m 12 years his senior.

‘Oh yes, you got it right. You’re good. But yes, I am older than you.’

‘It doesn’t matter, because you are so pretty and beautiful.’ Stopping, he takes a hold of my face again and kisses me! And I kissed him back! And I could taste his cigarette and beer breath. Luke was kissing me so passionate and it was only after 2-3 minutes of conversation that he decided to give it a snog.

I can’t believe I kissed him back and was enjoying it, though scared he would throw up on me.

We took a walk for a while, advised him to throw up to make him feel better, but all he kept wanting to do is look at me and kiss me every once in a while. He kept asking where we were going and what were we going to do. I knew he wanted to have sex with me, but there was no way I could give him my body and I wasn’t in the mood to really have sex with another man after being dumped, especially when I would make love to James.

Luke had other plans after I told him that I wasn’t going to take him home and that we weren’t going to have sex. He then took me through this little grass area near a historical building and threw me to the ground and jumped on me very aggressively. Instead of hitting him or shouting, I just tried to calm him down and kept kissing me passionately. He started to kiss my neck and touch my chest.

‘Luke, Luke, Luke, PLEASE stop ok? I know you want some of this but I can’t give you this ok?’

‘OK ok, I understand, but please kiss me.’

We spend at least 10 minutes kissing then he got me to roll on top of him and said, ‘Give me your hands’. I gave him my hands and the next thing I knew he had somehow taken off my top!!! How the hell did he do this!?! OMG it was really crazy!

‘OMG! If the cops find us like this I’m going to get deported back to the USA or not get my visa so give me back my top!!’

It was honestly very crazy. Luke was just a horny handsome young man. I managed to put my top back on and was able to get up.

‘Ok Luke, let’s take you home, Ok?’ I managed to get him up and walk near my house when I wanted to really help him find a cab, but then he turned around and said, ‘OK I can do it from here. Thank you for  a great night. You’re so beautiful’. He kissed me one last time and walked away through another path heading towards Old Town.

I can’t believe this just happened to me. What does all this mean?!

I got back into my flat and noticed that I had leaves all over my hair. I also had this certain part that felt wet, so I started to pull it out of my hair and I couldn’t believe what I was pulling out of my hair: It was a dead mushy slug!!!! OMG it freaked me out!!! In fact, I just tied my hair up so somewhere in my hair I still have parts of of the dead mushy slug.

But now I’m going to take a shower, wash that dead slug out of my hair and go to bed. I am too tired to cry about James tonight, but what happened with Luke was really and very weird. In that moment, in that time he just came to me as if to make me feel better. Life works in mysterious ways. Yes, I enjoyed the snogging, but I learned something else.

I am a beautiful woman.