Tag: missbrokenhearted

Day ??? – My comeback

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I had a dream that night that I was speaking to James. It had been months since I had last seen him online through Skype on our break up session and somehow in my dreams he would be next to me in my bed sleeping. Off and on throughout the night.

I woke up with the sunlight shining through my windows. I was getting text messages from Luke. He loves sending me his ‘Good Morning’ with at kiss at the end of it. I wasn’t really feeling the good morning since I had too much to drink last evening. I now wake up in a bigger and brighter room with a double bed. My clothes and belongings are all in order where they should be. At times I wake up thinking, “Where am I?”and have to remind myself that I have made the dramatic crazy move of leaving lovely Warsaw in December and back in London on my own without James.

I am no longer in Warsaw. Weird.

I’m trying to remember what happened last night; drinks flowing pints after pints at the nearest pub where I live, dancing to some funky music and odd enough, having my first post-break up meeting with James.

It wasn’t a dream. He had been in my bed all through the night sleeping naked next to me.

Shit.

Between Day Thirteen and Fourteen

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All day I had the urgency to text James. I don’t know why, but after thinking about it over and over and asking the tarot cards, I decided to reply to James’s message on Sunday.

Ara: I had a good weekend with friends, yet I’m still finding it difficult of what has happened between us. Just know that I care about  you. Hope you are not going through drama with work (cause I am and you’re a Leo as well lol). Have a good night. 

James wrote back two hours later:

James: I’m sorry you’re finding it difficult. I am too. Work is OK but we lost the contract with IKEA (he works in the whole e-commerce website buisness). I’ll probably still continue through so should be fine. Sleep well. 

Then I replied in 30 seconds! I was falling asleep when I got it. Didn’t think James would write, but wrote back:

Ara: I’m sorry to hear about your work. I was just sleeping. Things will progress though. I know they will with work. I’ll be fine as well. Well it’s nice to know that I’m not on this alone. Time will tell. Sleep well. Night. 

No reply on James. I wasn’t expecting one anyways. I had a feeling much was said and that was the end of it.But even after the whole break up, the one writing is me. So this means, James is not caring about me so much if he’s not writing back first correctly?

Day Nine

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Last night I had a surge of energy and came to a conclusion: James needs me to boost him up because he’s not happy man.

Last year around the same time he left me when he didn’t need me (he was travelling around South America).  For this reason of leaving me , I don’t know if he’s involved with someone else or he felt he just couldn’t handle me anymore so maybe he thought ‘Well that’s enough for me’ and instead of being a man of his word (promising me things that he would never let me go, that he would never go for someone else, work very hard on this long distance relationship, and that he would never leave my side), he pushed me away again.

James cried during our break up because he was letting go and finally on his own. He didn’t need me anymore. Through his eyes I was sucking his energy when he didn’t give me much; I had to supply the relationship’s energy for the both of us.

But it’s so odd that it has happened again to me twice during the same time. It was in late December of last year that we started to get closer again and I don’t know why I feel this odd feeling he’ll come back into my life again after November.

James comes in waves not sure of what he wants. He has a complicated mind. I think he wants simplify, but can’t obtain it. He likes to be pampered and loved. He also likes a lot of attention from his partner. I would give him attention by telling him sweet words such as ‘I love you my cute fucking sexy pale ginger’ and constantly love pleasing him by cooking him Mexican spicy food, baking for him cakes and pleasuring him. I don’t know how much more he wanted from me, but it was good enough for him to toss me because he had enough.

James needed me to give him this sense of hope. Though he says that he thinks he’s handsome, I think it’s the opposite for him in his head: he’s not handsome; He’s an average looking male. And if you compare him next to me in pictures, well…not to brag, but I’m a good looking woman next to him.

James also proved to me something that I didn’t know: He’s a weak man. I assumed he was a strong guy since he loves traveling around the world and doing some cool things, but deep inside, he’s a weak emotional man. He can’t express his thoughts and feelings at the moment so he suppresses them and when the moment is wrong (when it’s too late to fix) he brings it out.

How is James ever going to find someone else who can tolerate his ways of life? He’s a very stubborn man.

I never hate you for not loving me anymore. I hate myself for still loving you.

I am a very happy and loving woman. I am funny and full of energy. With him next to me, I brought life to him. He needs a woman who is more vibrant than him. But when the real ‘James’ comes out, it’s intolerable. We had a couple of mini arguments over text; his argumentative words are as if he was right and you were wrong or he caught you in something and you are looked bad to him.

Clearly, I overlooked all that because I love him. However, if you take the love out and the way James was talking to me, clearly it’s not of a friend, but of someone who didn’t trust me (someday I’ll have to put up the last year’s conversation online so you can understand how he responded to me when I said I had visions of us being together. He’s a dream crusher!)

I had the chance to be happy with Ben in June. I really did. And because of his fear of moving on with my life (losing that energy I gave him even as friends) he decided to sell me this dream of us being together and maybe leading to marriage if I agreed to be his girl. And as stupid as I was, I took his words and let Ben go.

Before breaking up, James asked me in person, ‘Are you talking to Ben again?’ I looked at him puzzled,’ Why would I talk to Ben again? Ben is not on speaking terms with me. I picked you as my boyfriend and not him, therefore we are not talking.’

I guess James was thinking, ‘Right, if Ara is talking back to Joe, then maybe she will have a chance with him again.’

What the fuck was he thinking? As if Ben was waiting for me with arms open? I hurt a man who really loved me and let him go for James’s selfish ways. OF COURSE, BEN’S NOT GOING TO TAKE ME BACK!

Clearly I need a man who is strong enough like me, or near my level. I get scared at dating people at my level, but I’m thinking now it’s time for a fresh start and a new chapter in my life. The thought of dating weak men turn me off, and I just couldn’t believe that James is a weak man.

Ben is a very strong man. We are chatting on Twitter here and there about topics, but nothing much. He’s dating someone at the moment, but don’t know anything else. I confessed to him that I was sorry for what I did, but he’s moving on and there is nothing I can do to gain him back.

For now, I daydream about James and the moments we had together. I wish I could compress them in a video with a background song which I love called Dogwood Blossom by Fionn Regan. A song about depression created by someone (I believe). All I know is that I wish I could hold him now again and relive my last weekend with him. It’s now a faded memory because I had to push a lot of it out of my head in order to keep my sanity. Maybe tomorrow I will try to write about our last days together  in London together in a brief outline so I could at least keep what is left in memory forever.

Keep climbing into my head without knockin’
And you fix yourself there like a map pin – Fionn Regan’s Dogwood Blossom

Day Seven

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It’s my first official week being single.

And it’s my first day being pissed off at him. Finally, I’m angry at James for what he did to me.

I started to think why did he get with me on June 22nd? Why did he decided to take a leap of faith?

On June 4th, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend Greg. I had to let him go to see if it was true love between James and I. I had text James that day that it was over with Greg and he was out shopping for his world cup holiday with his buddies around Europe. Though there was someone else who consoled me during this break up.

This is where Ben comes in. Ben was a guy who I met in Radom, Poland last year while walking on the street on my first day living in Poland. Sweet guy, young, can be a bit naive, but very handsome with big arms, arrogant and confident.

Nothing like James. James is the opposite: thin arms, bit of a belly with a bit of man boobs, thin hands and feet, somewhat attractive with a double clef chin and big ears and not so confident.

So, Ben and I were chatting a lot during this time. In fact, he got very close and told me he was very interested in me. I kept him there and loved chatting with him. It was though around this time when I got single that he decided to do something daring while texting through Whatsapp:

Ben: Well in order to cheer you up, I would like to see you for you birthday in Warsaw. What do you think about that?

Ara: No I wouldn’t dare. You don’t have to.

Ben: But I want to. It would be great to see you again. And I can treat you out for your birthday.

Ara: Can you buy me a lamp? I need one for my room.

Ben: Umm….how much are lamps in Poland?

——————————————-

Yes, I wanted a lamp at that time, but don’t need one since I bought one myself at IKEA.

But yes, there was a moment after this break up that I was free and Ben was taking it up and loving it versus James, who kept quiet and not so communicative with me.

I had a friend who advised me to do the following: Ignore James.

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Basic Rules for showing James that I don’t need him and having a fun time with other people:

Rule number 1: Don’t text him.

Rule number 2: Don’t reply to him till hours or next day.

Rule number 3: Keep the text short and simple.

Rule number 4: Post pictures and check-in’s up on FB and brag on how you are having a great time with friends and having fun.

Rule number 5: If you see him online, don’t say hello. Wait till he does. Just don’t make the first move.

———————————————————-

I was very close to Ben and close to say yes to him. However, I wanted to play these rules to James as a one last attempt make him open his eyes. I did these rules while he was on holiday and believe me, I had him where I wanted. I got this message at around the early hours from him through Facebook:

James: Oh. If there is someone new what can I do? Nevermind I guess I regroup then go again.
This is why I can’t do distance. If someone is there they are there. That’s worth more. You cannot compete.
From this situation, came an argumentative chat on Facebook which lasted about one hour and it involved a lot of crying and frustration. At the end this came out:
I said to him, ‘James, no you don’t care about me because if you did, you would take me now.’
James said, ‘I can’t take you now you are too far. If you want to make a plan then i will help you. I said I would’
From those talks came out even more two days later and that’s when we made it official. James wanted to work it out with me and have a chance before any other man came into my life to take my heart. He wanted the chance.
I gave James my heart, the chance to be with me and give him everything. James failed me at the end. He wasn’t strong enough to carry me through. In fact, I’m a bit sad now to think that I took a huge leap of faith to just get hurt after all these strong words with James. James said that my passion knocks him over at times. I guess I was too much for him.
Whatever the case is, tonight I will cry on my pillow and think of him. Looking back at these messages gets me back to the moments when I was so happy. I thought ‘Finally, I have won over his heart.’ But it wasn’t much.
True love means not giving up on their partners.

Day Five

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I have been thinking a lot the past 24 hours about James. I think he had someone else on the side.

When I was over in London about a week ago, I went through his wallet while he was sleeping. I don’t know why, but I wanted to go through it.

I found two receipts on two evenings he told me he was out with friends. The dinner was a bit late and also, it looks like he paid for two and not for himself. Isn’t that odd? I never questioned it because I trusted him. But now thinking of what has happened, it seems like he went on some sort of date.

You see three weeks ago, I caught him on OK Cupid. On his profile it said, ‘Single’ and the last time he checked was that day at midday. I was on OK Cupid because I was getting messages that there were guys interested in me, when I remember I deactivated my account about a year ago. I checked if he was still on (because he told me he was deactivated) and of course, he was still active.

That was my warning sign. I should had seen it.

I’m thinking he went on a date with this girl and it went great. Then maybe he kept in touch and who knows what he told her, ‘Oh I have a friend over from Warsaw for a couple of days, so I won’t be able to see you, but hopefully we will soon’ I could just picture it now what he said. And it gets me upset because I trusted James. I trusted him with all my heart and soul and to think that he could be capable to doing this is unbelievable. I say it’s FUCKING selfish of him!

We broke up when I started to a) plan the flights to see him often and b) when I got accepted to grad school in London.

Yes, I have been accepted to grad school in London 😀 And I found out on a Wednesday. James broke up with me on a Thursday.

My mother, who I love very much said, ‘Pos de dejo porque tu de hibas a mudar para Londres y como tenia otra vieja, pos de dejo!’ (Well he left you because you were serious to move to London and since he was seeing someone else, he let you go)

I feel stupid because I really think he did this to me now. It makes me want to go on OK Cupid just to spy on him to see if he’s checking out other women. I know him. I’m thinking he doesn’t need time to heal what he did to me; he was already maybe dating someone.

But we had a great time I tell you when I was there for six days: I made love to him every night and believe me, a man who is guilty of thinking ‘oh shit I’m going to break her heart’ wouldn’t be doing that to me. He broke up with me cause he said he couldn’t live knowing this and this was depressing him….now don’t you think he would had told me or shown it during this time?! Not even once! He kept holding my hand, kissing me in public and being the boyfriend that he was; it just doesn’t make sense.

Last night I spoke to a very good friend called Angie and she told me to heal first and love myself first before going out into the world.

Ara, you must ask God for forgiveness and accept him back into your life. He knows what he’s doing for you. Trust him.

I started to be a bit of an atheist because of James. He has no hope, pessimistic and an atheist. And I’m the opposite. I guess opposites attract right?

So following my friend’s advice, I went to meet my ex- Polish boyfriend, Greg at the regular Starbucks we used to meet while we were dating in the center of Warsaw. He looked very nice, gained a bit of an extra belly, but his eyes and his face looked very well. He was serious looking, (like many Polish people) and just listening as I did the talking. I wanted to see him to express my sincere sorry for what I did to him.

————————————————————————————–

Greg and I had a great relationship at the beginning, however we had communication problems due to him having English as a second language, which made our relationship at times hell. What made our relationship more separable from each other was James.

I was still in love with James. I got with Greg in 2013 about a year ago. James pushed me off in late September telling me I was obsessed with the idea of us being together, so then with a broken heart, I decided to move on and got with Greg. During the 3-4th month of dating, James came back into my life. We started to text again and from there we started to do Skype meetings. I then went in February 2014 to visit him and well…..

I think you know what I did next.

From that moment I knew I was in love with James still and not with Greg. It was a very cruel thing to do and I feel really bad about what I did, but if I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t had known what James and I had. It had to be discovered. And the worst part of it all: I have no regrets.

I left Greg in June of this year because I need to figure out what James and I had. I had to do it. It was killing me. And it was very hard to let him go, but I had to. And also we didn’t get along majority of the time. I blame it for being in love with James and wanting to be in London and not in Warsaw.

——————————————————————————————–

We met today for two hours and talked about the past. Well I did more of the talking than he did, but I was nervous laughing about the times when he made me cry or when we would have a huge fight.

He wasn’t laughing.

‘Sorry, Greg for laughing. I’m not laughing about the situation, but it was a long time ago and I’m nervous’

‘Why are you nervous, Ara?’

‘I don’t know.’, I said wondering if what I will say next won’t make me feel weak. ‘I just been thinking a lot about the past and the way I left you…the way we ended things…was terrible and it’s something that I live knowing. And I’m sorry about it all. You did everything in your power to save the relationship and I didn’t I failed you. And I’m sorry.’

He looked at me with this serious face,’ Well that was a long time ago, Ara so I can’t feel anything.’

‘Um…Greg, that was three months ago’

‘I know but everything has changed and I have moved on and you have moved on. And nothing has changed for me, Ara, so I still feel the same’

So my ex wasn’t moved by my words, but I shed a tear when I told him how deeply sorry I was. I hurt two people during this process of having James in my life. I risked love twice and for what? To walk out with emptiness.

But as my friend Angie says, I need to ask for forgiveness in order to be able to find peace in my heart and move on. The only one I can’t forgive at the moment is James.

My love and passion is now turning into being deceived, lied and cheated. Is that wrong of me to think this way?

Tonight I plan to send him a text. I want to tell him that I got the Direct Loan approval that my credit is good and that I could receive a student loan. I know he would be happy to hear this, yet don’t know how to do it. I’m not ready to have a conversation with him. Just want him to say ok great and good night. It’s all I want to hear.

In Between Day Three and Four

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I thought, ‘How am I suppose to move on, if I could still smell his scent and see his t-shirt?’

————————————————————————————————–

On the night we broke up while chatting via cam on Skype, I had a blank mind.

‘James, I don’t know what to do,’ I said in a quivered voice as I was trying to hold back tears. ‘I really don’t know….wait give me a minute.’

I got up from my bed and started to collect the diary I had written about us, a book called All About Us, (a great book filled with questions to ask your partner) which had entries filled out, three picture frames of us together and the birthday card James sent me on my 34th birthday.

James was just on the camera looking miserable with puffy eyes since he had been crying. I’ve never seen him like this before. He looked devastated.

‘Ok, I think I know what’s next, but ok.’

I didn’t want to let him go. I don’t know when I would see him next. Those thoughts raced through my head. I can look back and think, ‘Should I had said something else?’ But I told him the words that should be powerful enough for anyone to change their mind and heart.

‘I love you, James. I really love you. And I will miss you terribly’. I wasn’t sure if I should had asked him, but I did because hey, you will always look back and think about it. Might as well go all the way.

‘James, can you please give me a kiss?’

James nodded and took his hand placing it over his lips and sent me a kiss. ‘Oh James, I love you so much. Thank you.’

‘Take care, Ara. Take care.’

I sent him a kiss as well and with a wave and tears, the conversation ended.

———————————————————————————————-

Last night, I looked at my bed and there was his yellow striped gray t-shirt that I had stolen from him. When I had confessed on Tuesday that I took it from his dresser, he said, ‘You bad girl.’ Those words still ring in my head.

I decided to do the bravest thing: I took the t-shirt off the pillow and stored the shirt away with the rest of the things that remind me of us in the closet.

James Tshirt

It was a very hard thing to do, but somehow thought that if I want to move on without him I need to stop having things about him or us.

Stop reflecting the past and live the future

But yes, last night I slept without it and felt odd this morning waking up. In fact, I went to bed late and woke up early at around 4am and staying up till 7am. I have weird sleeping patterns at the moment. I imagine over and over again scenarios of us meeting again at Greenwich Park or I’ll be walking down the street and we will bump into each other. I also have daydream scenarios of him looking for me…whatever it is…I’m living in daydreams. I need to stop thinking that I’ll see him and that all will work out at the end. He wants me to be happy. That’s why he let me go, right?

I’m off to do some things and go for another walk.

Take everything with baby steps.

Day Three

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Well today has been a pretty bad day.

The day started slow, but managed to get up and clean the kitchen and toilet and washed my clothes for the week.

The idea of going back to work with children depresses me at the moment. I really hope I could manage this week. I must. It also gives me something to do and be busy because I can’t be stuck to the computer.

Sundays are a day to be more online than outdoors for me. Though today was a very nice sunny day, I did manage to do the things I’ve been needing to do: bought vitamins, printed out student loan deferment sheets, and went veggie shopping at my store a.k.a. Bidronka (ladybug in Polish).

I also had friends writing to me and asking if I was alright and if anything, they are here to listen to me vent. I really appreciate it because it shows that people do care for me.

Your ex doesn’t love and want you, but you are wanted and loved by others

But usually on Sundays I would talk to James on Skype. That was our weekly ritual thing to do. Tonight, there will be no Skype meeting.

I really miss hearing his voice. I have videos and voice recordings of him that I did without him knowing, but I don’t want to play them. At times today I thought about the ‘what if’ situations because I’ve have friends on Facebook that told me maybe there is a possibility that we might get back together, but honestly the idea of that makes me depressed too. I have to let him go.

I started to ponder about why was it easy to forget about him a year ago and so difficult to forget about him now? Last year, he pushed me away from his life because he was out traveling. He told me I was obsessed with him and with illusions that we would work out to be together someday. So I remember crying my eyes out, and saying ‘Fuck you, James’ and that was the end of it. Three weeks later I was dating a Polish man. James didn’t like it that I moved on so quick. We had no contact for two months.

But today has been an odd sad day where I heard from past boyfriends and potentials that they are now dating or engaged.

Oh great.

I’m single and there is no one who makes me feel ‘special’….right now.

I had a great chat with Bob, my ex-boyfriend of 2.5 years. He was a great boyfriend and we had the most amazing time together. I told him what had happened to me and he said, ‘Ara, you’re a strong woman’.

‘I know Bob, but James sucked the life out of me. He made me go atheist. I just don’t believe in God anymore or if there is anything out there.’

He also said the following which I will quote:

Ah don’t think like that. There is something there. Just have faith that you are looked after and that every experience you have will be an opportunity for growth and learning, including the bad ones, especially the bad ones cause that’s when we learn the most about ourselves. Well just remember please yourself first and build your life around that and if anyone wants to share in that but don’t let other people dictate how you should run your life.

Bob is right. I’m so happy that he’s still in my life. I knew he was meant to be in my life somehow. After speaking to Bob, who also advised me to mediate, I had to go for a walk and vent out on the phone, but this time to my mother and sister again.

‘Otra vez sigues llorando? Ya para de llorar. Estas loca’ (You’re crying again? Stop crying. You must be crazy.)

Thank you, mother. I really need to hear this right now.

I also spoke to Genny and she also told me to stay strong and she knows why I’m crying.

‘Ara, you’re crying because you had illusions and dreams to be next to you. He promised you things and then he backed out. The one at fault is him, not you. You did your best, so don’t feel bad.’

I was looking out at the Vistula (I live very near by) and was thinking of how I just want this pain to end or the feeling of being empty and sad. I visualized myself jumping in from the bridge, but I would never do that. I love life, but just finding it hard to live without him.

I had so many dreams…well we had dreams together. We dreamed about how many kids we would have, how his family would like my Mexican cooking skills, where we would get married and how our kids would have to support Forest and not Arsenal. We just had dreams built…and now they are gone.

Also the toughest thing to swallow is that I broke my ex boyfriend’s heart (Greg) and had a chance to be with an amazing man who was giving me his heart and soul but I ended up choosing James, because I love and trusted him. It’s a bit of a long story, but someday I’ll go over this story as well.

I’m focusing myself on the future tonight. I must. I have to move on and get rid of this. I’m really hurt by James. I should be upset with him, but I’m not.

At times I keep reliving our last weekend together and start to look for clues that he was giving me as a sign that it was over, but personally, I can’t find them. I really can’t. I swear I should give him the award for best actor. And to think I got a Masters degree in teaching actors.

Day Two

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Today wasn’t as bad as yesterday. I woke up very early to find myself finishing Day One entry. I felt satisfied finally posting something that I really have worked hard on; able to express how I really feel about James.

But today was a very different day. I never thought it would end this way.

Throughout the day, I thought about James. I started to replay our last days together just recently in London. A week ago James and I were dancing in his living room while drinking to Polish Rye Vodka and Coke picking music from Spotify. We started off the dancing session with The Whole Of The Moon song by The Waterboys.

‘I have been dying to dance this song with you’, I said while I held out my hands towards him as he sat on the couch looking at me with puppy eyes. I played the song and said, ‘Come on, let’s dance babe’.

James held out his hands as I pulled him up from the couch and straight into my arms singing to each other. It was literally an amazing evening.  We also had many other songs that we danced to such as Alive and Walking on a Dream by Empire of the Sun (he introduced me to this band by sending me Walking on a Dream which was the most overplayed song in my Jeep for 2013), Banquet by Bloc Party, Time to Pretend by MGMT, We Danced Together by The Rakes, Signed, Sealed and Delivered by Stevie Wonder, and one that I was pretty surprised to hear.

‘Babe, why don’t you play a Motown song?’

He looked at me surprised and clicked on the play button. The music started to play as I was finishing the sentence. I had a smile on my face on what I heard next. What song did James choose for us to dance?

The Sweetest Feeling by Jackie Wilson.

I remember holding and kissing each other very close. The lyrics rung through my ears and into my heart. What was he trying to tell me? I make him very happy if he picked this song to dance with me.

It was then after of couple of songs later, that I vaguely remember, that we started to make love on the floor. In fact, it was this evening when we had unprotected sex for the first time. I knew in that moment that he really cared for me; James hasn’t had unprotected sex with anyone in years.

That was a week ago. Today, I’m alone back in Warsaw hanging on to his t-shirt.

I have to confess that I have cried on his t-shirt (used as a pillowcase) at least twice today talking to myself saying over and over, ‘You are gone, James. You are gone.’

I also found some hair strands on top that he had left in my room in his visit to Warsaw in August and let me tell you that I cried hysterically. The image of him being in my room, laying on my bed, making love in my room and all the times I have loved caressing his hair are just memories. In fact, I would always caress James’s hair and held on to him during the night as we slept as if I knew that someday I was to lose him. Maybe my gut feeling was telling me something, yet ignored it. Maybe I was meant to lose him all along.

But why did he pick that song to dance with me when he told me he couldn’t match the love I had for him? Why that song?

I can’t even play any of our songs nor see the titles because I get very sad and cry. Just don’t understand. What the fuck was he thinking?

I had written on Facebook that I was going to go inactive, however I decided not to and I had a great friend who game me some advice: write it up on FB so the world can see that it’s over.

There were some friends who knew about James, but not many knew since majority of my FB friends thought that I was still with Greg. I felt great writing about James and what we had, but when Facebook asks for a picture to put up, I looked and when I saw our pictures, I cried like mad again on his t-shirt. After sometime I was strong enough to put at least two pictures up and wrote the following (and  here is our background story):

In 2009 I dated James who was one of the few I dated between September-November time, however I at the end became exclusive to Bob (my ex) so James and I became friends and nothing more till 2013, when I went over in the summer of last year and was seeing him exclusive spending my birthday and summer days next to him. Then came a separation: He went to South America and I went to Poland to teach. Within those months apart, we kept in touch, but in September of 2013, James pushed me off and I had to move on, therefore dating Greg. I was with Greg till June of this year. I ended the relationship with Greg, because I was still in love with James. I couldn’t forget him. James couldn’t forget me either.

So with James it was an off and on and off and on relationship throughout this year and in late June, after being single for three weeks, James asked me to be his girl and give our relationship finally a try long distance.

I agreed. For 3 months I had been exclusive to him and love him throughout my years and growing to love him just the way he was. I did everything for him. EVERYTHING and at the end, hurting two people and sacrificing money and time, he decided that it was going no where and that it was getting him depressed and down which therefore he has let me go. I couldn’t beg him and convince him so because I saw he was in too much pain, I also agreed.

I not just loss my boyfriend, but my best friend, my partner, my love and my soul mate. We are so perfect together, but because of distance, it has killed our dream.

Another question is why can’t we move together? Well it’s very hard for Americans to get a working visa at the moment in UK so I’m still working on that. He didn’t want to move to Poland. He didn’t want to marry me as well so we knew the answers, but just didn’t want to let go of each other cause well…we were perfect together.

I can’t tell you how many times I have read this today. But that is the truth. This was our love and this is how it ended.

After spending majority of the day inside the house while the weather was very nice in Warsaw (and it’s going to get worst soon so might as well make the best out of it) I went to see three co-workers in the East of Warsaw. We spoke a bit about this relationship and told them about this blog which they were very happy that I decided to write about it. Also one of my great friends recited a love poem, yet I don’t know the name of the poem or author, so I hope to find out by Day Three to put it up. They also made me some great tea and this wonderful apple cider which I was delicious! I really enjoyed my time there and needed to stop thinking about James for a while.

For good times and bad times, friends are there with you to help you get through.

Then came the hardest part of the evening when it was time to watch a classical musical theater film, Oklahoma!  The first 1.5 hours of the film were great, but once it got towards talking about marriage and love, I started to feel down. Curly really loved that woman and showed her a good time. Why didn’t I see the signs with James? James was showing me his love in a certain way and I thought it was just his way….I feel tricked or stupid. But the next time I fall in love, it will be very different:

The man has to meet you half ways with your feelings and treat you like a princess to know it’s love.

I don’t think I’m ready to see these things yet. I left their flat feeling empty, (not because of them, but because of the topic of the film) and went to visit Elizabeth’s new flat in the center of town. I wanted to go home, but felt I needed to be with more company. We did the tarot cards (yes again) and found out some answers about ex-suitors (the ones that I ignored and hurt because of James) and how they feel about me. After two hours of talking and venting, I had decided to take the last tram of the evening where it would leave me in Old Town Warsaw and walk 17 minutes from there. It was a chilly night today, so walked a bit quicker. I decided to take a short cut through the park, which isn’t safe at times in Warsaw while texting with an iPhone, when I saw a young tall gentleman intoxicated blocking the path with his arms spread open.

Was this a sign? Did my angels send him down to give me a hug?

Well I went straight into his arms and gave him a hug. I could see he was VERY intoxicated that he couldn’t keep a good balance.

‘Oh, hello there.’ I said with a slow tempo not sure if he understood English. ‘ How are you?’

‘I’m fine. Oh…and how are you?’

‘Ah I’m a bit sad’

‘Oh why!?’

‘Because my boyfriend broke up with me two days ago.’

‘Oh no! Really?’ taking his hands to my face, ‘You are so beautiful’.

‘Ah thank you. I bet you say that to everyone.’

‘No, you are’. He takes me to the nearest lamp post, stares at me and touches my face again. ‘I could see that you are beautiful’.

I asked for his name and his name was Luke. At first he said he was 25, but then corrected himself later on that evening to say that he was 22 years old.

‘And how old are you?’

‘Do you want to guess?’

He takes my hand and we start walking down the path towards my house. ‘ I think you are 26 years old. Am I correct?’

I’m 12 years his senior.

‘Oh yes, you got it right. You’re good. But yes, I am older than you.’

‘It doesn’t matter, because you are so pretty and beautiful.’ Stopping, he takes a hold of my face again and kisses me! And I kissed him back! And I could taste his cigarette and beer breath. Luke was kissing me so passionate and it was only after 2-3 minutes of conversation that he decided to give it a snog.

I can’t believe I kissed him back and was enjoying it, though scared he would throw up on me.

We took a walk for a while, advised him to throw up to make him feel better, but all he kept wanting to do is look at me and kiss me every once in a while. He kept asking where we were going and what were we going to do. I knew he wanted to have sex with me, but there was no way I could give him my body and I wasn’t in the mood to really have sex with another man after being dumped, especially when I would make love to James.

Luke had other plans after I told him that I wasn’t going to take him home and that we weren’t going to have sex. He then took me through this little grass area near a historical building and threw me to the ground and jumped on me very aggressively. Instead of hitting him or shouting, I just tried to calm him down and kept kissing me passionately. He started to kiss my neck and touch my chest.

‘Luke, Luke, Luke, PLEASE stop ok? I know you want some of this but I can’t give you this ok?’

‘OK ok, I understand, but please kiss me.’

We spend at least 10 minutes kissing then he got me to roll on top of him and said, ‘Give me your hands’. I gave him my hands and the next thing I knew he had somehow taken off my top!!! How the hell did he do this!?! OMG it was really crazy!

‘OMG! If the cops find us like this I’m going to get deported back to the USA or not get my visa so give me back my top!!’

It was honestly very crazy. Luke was just a horny handsome young man. I managed to put my top back on and was able to get up.

‘Ok Luke, let’s take you home, Ok?’ I managed to get him up and walk near my house when I wanted to really help him find a cab, but then he turned around and said, ‘OK I can do it from here. Thank you for  a great night. You’re so beautiful’. He kissed me one last time and walked away through another path heading towards Old Town.

I can’t believe this just happened to me. What does all this mean?!

I got back into my flat and noticed that I had leaves all over my hair. I also had this certain part that felt wet, so I started to pull it out of my hair and I couldn’t believe what I was pulling out of my hair: It was a dead mushy slug!!!! OMG it freaked me out!!! In fact, I just tied my hair up so somewhere in my hair I still have parts of of the dead mushy slug.

But now I’m going to take a shower, wash that dead slug out of my hair and go to bed. I am too tired to cry about James tonight, but what happened with Luke was really and very weird. In that moment, in that time he just came to me as if to make me feel better. Life works in mysterious ways. Yes, I enjoyed the snogging, but I learned something else.

I am a beautiful woman.

Day One

Miss BrokenHearted4 Comments

I woke up at around 5 a.m. after rolling the duvet off my legs feeling warm. As I rolled over to my right side, I can smell the scent of someone on a t-shirt used as a pillow cover: it was the scent of my boyfriend.

No. Correction: My ex-boyfriend.

The night before I went to bed as a happy and tired (since I’ve been teaching like crazy) woman in a long distance relationship with James. Last night, I went to bed as a single woman and today I woke up the same, however feeling miserable and lonely without a text from James.

I dug my face deep into the pillow, smelling his Lynx’s Africa faded scent and said his name.

‘James,’ I said in a faint voice, ‘How could you do this to me? This can’t be true.’

I sat up from my bed looking straight ahead towards the large sliding door mirror and asked myself, ‘Is this really true? James? Tell me this isn’t real?’ I paused for a couple of seconds thinking of these answers and once I knew them, I placed my hands over my face and cried.

James and I broke up last night over skype. It took one hour to make it official via cam. I was just in London three days ago and he didn’t have the courage to tell me face to face. Therefore, he decided to break up with me being miles and miles away without being able to strangle him, rip apart his Nottingham Forest calendar that his mother buys him for Christmas every year or setting fire to his CD collection.

This morning was very tough. The first person I called was my sister, Genny. I had to tell her the news because she means the world to me.

‘Genny, it’s me.’

‘Hey HO! What’s up?’

‘Umm…’ I hesitated to tell her, but I knew this would kill her mood. ‘James broke up with me’.

‘What? Really?!’

‘Yes. He’s left me.’

Pause. My sister really knows how to make a dramatic change of feeling. ‘WHAT A FUCKING DICK!’  The words were harsh, but honestly, they fitted to what has happened.

‘Genny, please don’t call him that, because he was really sad and crying when we broke up and…’

‘Ara, what an asshole! Really?! You just got accepted to grad school in London just yesterday and then he leaves you like this?! What a coward not able to tell you in person. What a fucking wuss!’

And my sister wasn’t alone; my mother was also there with her. She also had her two cents worth advice.

‘Ara…’, my mother replied to my cries, ‘Para de llorar por un cabron que no vale la pena! No es nada tuyo!’ (Stop crying for an asshole who isn’t worth your worries! He’s not related to you!)

Talking to my sister and mother really helped me get out of bed this morning. I also had mentioned to Genny that I was going to go inactive on Facebook. I just can’t bare to see all the happy updates and especially James’s updates.

‘If you get off of Facebook Ara, he’s going to get away with it’. Genny wasn’t happy with James’s request last night.’No! You put pictures up of you being happy, and telling him to fuck off! He doesn’t deserve pity, because he broke your heart! You get up and you tell yourself that today is going to be a great day. Say it!’

I cried and said, ‘Genny, I can’t say it, ok? You must understand that I lost someone and I won’t ever have him back, however I will have to move on and live without him’. I struggling saying the last words without shedding a tear.

After 40 minutes of great family advice, I was able to get up and get ready for my long day at work with primary school children. Now I don’t mind working where I work, but I do mind the behavior in the classroom (more like classroom management) which is a bit out of a control. I do have some classroom management skills, however I see these children once or twice a week for a 45 minute set and a major challenge is set for me everyday: I do not understand their language. I don’t speak Polish.

I’m an English native teacher in Warsaw, Poland. I’ve been teaching for over a year now. I find it very difficult at times to teach small children because they ask me in Polish if they could do something or get something to eat or if they have free time, but I just take it as I go day by day. It’s a challenge, but worth getting the hugs and seeing their smiles.

Today was very difficult to deal with them. I couldn’t let down my job and lose work hours because of James. I had to get up and go to work, just like he was doing as well. I wonder how he did today.

After the conversation with my sister and mother, I got into teacher planning mode; I started to look through all my printouts and thinking which color activity sheet or puzzles would be good for each class. Once I got a sort of lesson plan for the day, I packed it all up and left out the door with only 6 minutes to spare to get the 127 bus to the bridge to then getting on the 8 tram and waiting for the express bus where I must pay 3.50 zlotys to drop me off near my primary school every Wednesday and Friday totaling a near 15 classes x 45 minute per week.

I felt dead. I felt dead as well without make up on. I didn’t take a shower and just ran out the door. I told myself, ‘Ara make it through today. Just today.’

I ended up making to work on time able to make the copies I needed for the day at the office. Then comes in the Head of English Teacher, Dorota, and was tired because she went to bed late last night since they had their parent conference meeting which lasted till 1opm. Then she asked me how I was doing. I told her the truth.

‘Well, my boyfriend and I ended it yesterday last night so I personally don’t want to be here, but I’m here. I’m here.’

‘Oh dear.’, Dorota said with a sigh and a sad face.’ I’m so sorry to hear this. But ok, I understand. I’m glad you are here.’

Once the bell rang at 8:30am, I had to put on my teacher face and just get through. I was avoiding to count down, but more like make it through each class in one piece. Throughout the day, I was getting text messages from close friends who had heard about my situation last night. I had written to them privately through FB chat/messenger. Nothing from James.

The children were their same regular way: crazy, loud and bad playing with their toys, drawing on white sheets of paper, or making those bracelets and rings with those silly colorful rubber bands. I can get their short attention, but to have lessons with me for 45 minutes in English is confusing and exhausting for 6-8 year olds.  But I pulled through the day with asking children for hugs and even taking a picture or two with them to remind me that there are people who love me, even students who have no idea what is going on, but were able to give me their love and affection by writing Miss Ara, I Love You on the chalkboard and offering me bracelets and rings. It’s one of the best loves from a child who isn’t yours and a joy of being a teacher.

Before my last class, I sat down next to a male teacher who teaches Ethics (geez forgot his name). He looks like some sort of hipster (he was wearing the tight colored red jeans, round glasses and nice hair) which is nice, but have no idea about his age. He asked me how I was doing and well I also told him the same thing. After a one minute pause he looked at me and said, ‘Can I make you a tea or coffee?’ I was flattered he offered.’ Really? Oh ok. Yes. A coffee would be great thank you.’ He got up and asked how many sugars and how strong do I want my coffee and told him that I only want two spoonful each.

I tell you now, that my highlight of the day was him offering and making me a coffee. There are men out there who care about women and are nice and gentle. And he cared about me that moment since he knew I was down, so making me a coffee was enough for me to have a smile on my face again. ‘Really, thank you very much. It really has made my day.’, I told him. He said, ‘Oh it’s simple for me to do this, so don’t worry’.

Small gestures and simple actions to someone who is having a bad day can make a difference to them.

Once the bell rung at 4pm, the depression kicked in. I had an urge to come home and cry. I knew that from today this evening to Tuesday morning I was going to have this time to morn.

I say morn because I feel I lost a part of me; James, you were my world. I had build so much around us and all I got was a push and a rejection from you. Cold. Sad. A life sentence to death.

One hour later, I found myself at my flat. As I came into the entrance and locked the door, I remembered the time James came to my flat in the early hours of August looking at me with big eyes and excitement knowing that I was here in presence next to him after being apart for a month. I put my jacket and scarf away and once opening the door to my room, I saw his t-shirt over my pillow. I said out loud as I pulled the covers to go into bed with my working clothes on, ‘Oh James, you’re gone. You’ve left me’.  I held the pillow tightly and cried 2 minutes while asking God, ‘Why God….why did I lose him? Why did you take him away from me? I did everything. I did it all and this is what I get? I love him God, I love him….why did I lose him?’

I felt like Mother Courage from Bertolt Brecht’s Mother Courage and Her Children. Yes, the play is about a woman who makes a business out of war and loses her children to it, however she has to move on and pushes it all to the side or hides how she really REALLY feels deep down as a human. ‘In Weigel’s performance, when the soldiers leave Courage lets out a long scream, her body tensed, head held facing in the opposite diretion, hands gripping her dress in despair but no sound escapes.’ Brecht gave her a ‘Silent Scream’: just expression, but no sound.

When sufferings become unendurable the cries are no longer heard- Bertolt Brecht

After my two minute wailing of a cry, I got a phone call from Elizabeth to ask what time she should come over and visit. I had at least 1.5 hours to make dinner and catch up with friends about this drama that has happened.

I’m not listening to music at the moment alone. I can’t. I’m scared of myself. I’m scared that I will start playing depressing songs and I’ll go into a state of depression that I won’t be able to get myself out. I can’t even play happy songs because they remind me of James or play our Spotify list where we would play this list while making love. There is also the inbox messages with songs attached to them that I can’t bare to see them. Or play the songs that we last danced to on our last Saturday together in Blackheath, London. Someday I’ll write up the songs that we danced to, but for now, I don’t want to think about them….

So when Elizabeth comes over (or anyone) I feel that I’m safe enough to listen to them with someone. One song I am playing over and over is Nick Drake’s Place to Be. What a song I tell you. It just sums up the way I feel right now:

‘And I was strong, strong in the sun
I thought I’d see when day is done
Now I’m weaker than the palest blue
Oh so weak in this need for you’

-Nick Drake

I cried with Elizabeth and she held me. She has also been in this place before. It’s moments like this I wish I could have my family and friends next to me, but they are all over the world and some of them don’t even know my drama or they still think I’m with my Polish ex-boyfriend, Greg, whom I ended the relationship in June because I was in love with James. I promise that this story will all come to light as days to come. You’ll soon know why I build my world around James.

Elizabeth is an amazing friend. I love her too much. We met while we were working in Radom, Poland in an English school which I’m not going to mention because they were very rude to me the last two weeks of employment with them. I can understand why; I left them last minute to leave towards Warsaw. We also read tarot cards together.

Yes, I believe in them so back off! lol We had to find out the truth about people’s feelings and one of the readings were about James and I which came to conclusion that we were going to go apart for sometime but may see each other in the future. The way we left it, it seems like I’ll be doing the calling in the future IF settled in the UK. For now, we really need to be apart so we can grow and forget about us and all this love we had for us.

Main reason he left me: He just didn’t want to meet me 50/50 which questioned him why and that the love wasn’t growing for him (him feeling the way I did for him). We love our friendship, our times, our memories, our moments and intimacy, but long distance killed him (he lives in London) and I couldn’t save him. I had to also let go and die. So we had to go apart because of distance and the pressure of all of it going so fast that he couldn’t catch up and it was consuming him which put him in depression and loss.

I’m sad and upset at the same time. I know I’m romanticizing this break up, but as I was going to work this morning I thought, ‘I’m going to write about this’. And here I am. I’m exposing myself naked to the world and telling my side of the story. I’m not going to hide it and make it as clean as possible. No. It can’t work this way. But I will do my best to tell it like it is without sugar coating things because it all needs to come out.

You must be wondering why do I live in Warsaw and he lives in London? Well my friends it will all come to light for days to come. All in time I say.

As of tomorrow, I’ll be on a juicing reboot for 60 days. I know it sounds mad, but I did it last year and I became a changed woman. I know that if i do it for another 60 days, I’ll be superwoman. I’ll have  to go more into that in the time to come as well.

But this blog will be about love, loss, reflection, finding reasons to live, reliving my bubbly energy again, and memories between James and I. It will be hard, but I hope I can manage to bring out the truth that I wouldn’t wish this feeling on my enemies nor anyone in the world. This feeling of emptiness is dark and depressing. I hope I don’t get deep into Nick Drake songs. He died of an sleeping overdose medication, but there are people who think he committed suicide. Whatever it is, I just don’t want to get there or near this area. I love life; I just don’t love where I’m at now.

Tonight I’m too tired to think about James so I’m heading to bed. Tomorrow is a new day. Let’s hope for the best to come.