Tag: London

Day ??? – My comeback

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I had a dream that night that I was speaking to James. It had been months since I had last seen him online through Skype on our break up session and somehow in my dreams he would be next to me in my bed sleeping. Off and on throughout the night.

I woke up with the sunlight shining through my windows. I was getting text messages from Luke. He loves sending me his ‘Good Morning’ with at kiss at the end of it. I wasn’t really feeling the good morning since I had too much to drink last evening. I now wake up in a bigger and brighter room with a double bed. My clothes and belongings are all in order where they should be. At times I wake up thinking, “Where am I?”and have to remind myself that I have made the dramatic crazy move of leaving lovely Warsaw in December and back in London on my own without James.

I am no longer in Warsaw. Weird.

I’m trying to remember what happened last night; drinks flowing pints after pints at the nearest pub where I live, dancing to some funky music and odd enough, having my first post-break up meeting with James.

It wasn’t a dream. He had been in my bed all through the night sleeping naked next to me.

Shit.

Day Fifteenth

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When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window – Maria from The Sound Of Music

Yesterday was two weeks since we said good-bye through Skype. It feel so long ago, but it’s only been two weeks. I had a very good day at work, but when I came home, I found myself daydreaming from the time I left work to when I arrived back home.

I imagine that I leave James a note through a text or Facebook that I’m going to be at a certain location at a certain time if he wants to meet me after months of no conversation. James gets all excited, so he drops everything and comes to me at Greenwich Park at the top point overlooking London, but I’m not there. So then I send him a text saying,

Ara: I’m waiting for you at our spot.

James would think for a second and know in that moment, that it would be on the side of a hill overlooking London through the trees. The area is a bush off the path place, but it has an amazing view. That’s where James and I spent at least 2 hours sitting at that spot talking and kissing in the summer of July. It was also the day I told him that I was in love with him.

Ok so back to the daydream! 

….James starts to walk quickly thinking, ‘Shit, I can’t lose her’ and then starts to run. James doesn’t want to lose this chance of seeing her face to face, especially after a very long time and thinking about his biggest mistake. As James arrives, he sees a figure standing up looking very beautiful with dark hair….he knows it’s me.

‘Ara’, he cries out.

I turn to look at James very slowly with the wind in my hair. I go up to him as James pulls out his hand to help me up to the path. ‘Ara…I can’t believe you are here. You are finally here. And you look…wow…absolutely amazing!’

I’m a bit flattered of course by all his talk. ‘Thanks James. It’s great to be back in London. I’m finally here again.’

James starts to get emotional. ‘Ara, I know it sounds crazy, but I have been thinking about you; about us. We have had such amazing times and now that you are here in London, all I want to do is relive them with you. I just want to be with you. What do you think? Is there a way to forgive me for all this? Because I’m so sorry Ara. Really, I am. Trust me on this.’

‘How can I trust you, James? I gave you everything. I gave you my body, mind and soul and you still fucked me over. I trusted you so much, but you just took over me. I was lied to when you were still on OK Cupid, you excluded me from your friends/family and you made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of you. I did everything you asked me to do and still it wasn’t enough. How can I even trust you again? How can I learn to love you again?’

James without hesitation, ‘Ara, just give me a chance, please! I promise you that I will never ever leave your side no matter what. And I’ll take care of you. I’ll prove to you that I’m the one for you….and to show you that we are meant to be. I know it.’

Daydreaming this garbage makes me sick. Makes me sad and upset. So yesterday I came back home with this daydream soap opera in my head and went straight to bed and cried. I spent an hour thinking of nothing in my head. I’ve always lived in my daydreams; they must stop. It’s hard, but it must stop.

When I find out next month about my finances to go to grad school in London officially, I kid you not, I will put up a dating ad again on the same website I met James and I’ll click on his profile so he can see mine, then James will have to see that I’m on it again, so he’ll click on my profile and read:

“Hey guys, well I’m back from living in Poland and now soon to be living in London in January and I’m ready to meet a real man. No, not a guy who doesn’t know what he wants, but a man who knows what his needs are. I’m single ready to mingle.”

James will read it and get upset. I will be like, ‘HA!’ You think I was going to sit around and wait for you?’

Tonight I’m going out with the guy I met through Tango named Luke. I tell you he’s a very sweet guy, but not sure how he’s going to dress up today cause we are going out to the old town in Warsaw. Let’s just see how nice and interesting this man is. But in reality, I don’t see much happening. He makes me feel good, but not sure. I don’t even know where I’ll be heading next month so it’s all in a limbo state.

I also thought about why it was easy for me to let go of my ex in 2012 and can’t get rid of James: I knew I wasn’t going to live in London in a very long time vs. I don’t know whether London will be my home or not in January building up these stupid daydreams and hopes.

I haven’t heard from George, which is cool cause I see him tomorrow. We’ll see what happens then. In the meantime, I know yesterday James was out and maybe with a girl; He didn’t check his Facebook at all from 7pm and on wards. I’m thinking the worst: he spent the night with someone else.

I really hate Facebook Messenger. Is there a way to get rid of it? I want to. But maybe I should play with fire too. Check in at places and put pictures up, especially one of me with the dress I bought in London and asked him to zip it up on me just to see how it looks. James thought it was very pretty, but what a shame because I won’t be wearing it for him first. It will be worn for Luke instead 😀

Between Day Thirteen and Fourteen

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All day I had the urgency to text James. I don’t know why, but after thinking about it over and over and asking the tarot cards, I decided to reply to James’s message on Sunday.

Ara: I had a good weekend with friends, yet I’m still finding it difficult of what has happened between us. Just know that I care about  you. Hope you are not going through drama with work (cause I am and you’re a Leo as well lol). Have a good night. 

James wrote back two hours later:

James: I’m sorry you’re finding it difficult. I am too. Work is OK but we lost the contract with IKEA (he works in the whole e-commerce website buisness). I’ll probably still continue through so should be fine. Sleep well. 

Then I replied in 30 seconds! I was falling asleep when I got it. Didn’t think James would write, but wrote back:

Ara: I’m sorry to hear about your work. I was just sleeping. Things will progress though. I know they will with work. I’ll be fine as well. Well it’s nice to know that I’m not on this alone. Time will tell. Sleep well. Night. 

No reply on James. I wasn’t expecting one anyways. I had a feeling much was said and that was the end of it.But even after the whole break up, the one writing is me. So this means, James is not caring about me so much if he’s not writing back first correctly?

Pre-Break Up Holiday in London Part One

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You will have to be patient with me on going back to these dates, especially since they seem a blur. I believe it’s because I’ve pushed them to the side to forget about him, but today I’ll do my best to go back.

September 17th

Arrived early to meet him because I begged the EasyJet bus driver if I could ride an hour earlier than my ticket time. I dressed up very sexy for him: Black dress, with black tights and heels. I felt a bit silly wearing them, but I wanted him to get excited. I went into the put looking around for him and all I was seeing were English blokes staring at me. I text him to see if I would get his attention and then I heard my name. I turned to see James sitting near the entrance near the wooden barriers. James smiled with delight, came up to me and gave me a big hug and started to kiss me very passionately in the pub. James had missed me. We hung out there for a bit while he finishes his pint and we cuddled and kissed in the back of the pub.

Holding hands and helping me with my bag, we went to James’s home in Blackheath together. I said hello to the housemate that was there and then we went up the stairs where we snogged and cuddled. I really had missed James. I had told him about my plans for the next two days and he was content, but tired. We made love that evening as well quietly and after our session, kissed good night. ‘Good night babe’, James would tell me every evening right before he would give me his back and curl up.

In that late night, I started to cough and it wasn’t very pleasant. There was a moment that I sat upright quickly and James woke up as well sitting upright and said, ‘Babe, it’s ok. You alright?’ He thought I was having a nightmare, but it was very sweet of him to be caring. James had a nightmare on my visit in July. I did the same thing for him: woke up and told him if he was ok and not to worry. We care about each other. James is a caring man.

September 18th

I went shopping for goodies (sweets baby!) that day because I wanted to see The Goonies which the film was playing live near the Mayor’s Office next to the Thames for that evening for free. We met in London Bridge station, kissed and went hand in hand to the area, however it was packed. After hanging outside the mayor’s office for ten minutes, kissing and holding hands and talking about his housemates, James and I decided to go back to where he lives and get ourselves a dinner and a pint. We went back to his house, went to this pub near his place and I had two pints of Magners and he had his Ale. I had ordered a great healthy salad and James had a cottage pie.  I don’t remember what we talked about, but by the end of the evening we went back to his place through a different shortcut. ‘Where are you taking me, James?’ He pulled my hand towards him to continue walking, ‘Oh I don’t know. You just have to wait and see’. I kept playing stupid, ‘Oh James, honestly, where are we going? Isn’t your house that way?’ James smiled, ‘You just have to see where I’m taking you’. Then out of nowhere, ‘Ara, look a fox!!’ James knows I like foxes. ‘OOHHH A Fox! Yes! We finally see one!’

We get to the house quietly upstairs, take off our clothes and get into bed. Again making love (a bit more longer on this one since James was drinking). We brushed our teeth together and this was the first time James urinated in front of me. I took it as a sign: he’s getting very comfortable with us. I was glad James was, thought I wasn’t ready to urinate in front of him.

September 19th

We had the house to ourselves! Wooo! I had decided to cook him Mexican and bought all of the ingredients for us, even desert. He asked me in the morning if I needed money for it. ‘No babe, I’m fine. I got it.’, I said with a smile on my face. James was pleased as well. Tired and being a bit cranky, we went to the station together because I was going to visit my ex boss who lives near by Blackheath. Before I got off my stop, I kissed James good morning and off I went. James went to work.

Later that evening I decided to get there early to make him his dinner, yet I couldn’t open the bolt lock on the door. I was tired and really wanted to prepare something for him and be all sexy in the kitchen for him, but I ended up hanging out at the pond for an hour or so till James came to meet me at the pond. I text James that I couldn’t open the lock, and told me that the door can be a bit temperamental (wish he would had told me that). He had also bought me some fruit cider beer which he knew I loved. We got into the house and went to lay in for a bit on the couch watching Top Gear with a tea and talked and kissed.

James made this smacking lip sound as if he was enjoying a meal. I looked at him and said, ‘What? Are you trying to tell me something, James?’ A huge grin came over his face, ‘Ummm I don’t know what you mean.’ I was in shocked, but I knew what he was trying to tell me, ‘Ah so that’s you sign for “Woman, get into the kitchen and make me some food,” right?!’ James laughed. I got up. ‘OK OK OK I’m going, I’m going to cook for ya now.’

James made me smile too much. Everything I did, I did it to make him  happy.

As I was preparing, James came into the kitchen and joined me while he was scrolling through his phone and catching up on FB. The meal didn’t take long (30 mins). I made him Mexican Mole with chicken breast and Mexican rice. James absolutely loved it. I called my mother just before I made the rice to make sure I was able to make it and it came out super.

That evening, James thought that we could watch finally The Goonies together in the sitting room. It took James about 30 minutes to make the computer work with the telly as I sat there looking at the telly screen and seeing if the screen changed. After getting it to work, we sat and watched the movie interlocking our hands and legs together. At a certain part of the movie, James started to doze off. I didn’t scolded him. ‘Babe, put your head here, ok?’. James nodded and took a good 10 minute nap and made it just in time for the end. After that, we were both tired and full of Mexican food. So we went upstairs and had the energy to make love to each other for some time. It was so lovely to have James in my arms and just feeling him on me. I don’t remember how we slept, but usually after a session, we tended to doze off in each others arms.

Day Nine

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Last night I had a surge of energy and came to a conclusion: James needs me to boost him up because he’s not happy man.

Last year around the same time he left me when he didn’t need me (he was travelling around South America).  For this reason of leaving me , I don’t know if he’s involved with someone else or he felt he just couldn’t handle me anymore so maybe he thought ‘Well that’s enough for me’ and instead of being a man of his word (promising me things that he would never let me go, that he would never go for someone else, work very hard on this long distance relationship, and that he would never leave my side), he pushed me away again.

James cried during our break up because he was letting go and finally on his own. He didn’t need me anymore. Through his eyes I was sucking his energy when he didn’t give me much; I had to supply the relationship’s energy for the both of us.

But it’s so odd that it has happened again to me twice during the same time. It was in late December of last year that we started to get closer again and I don’t know why I feel this odd feeling he’ll come back into my life again after November.

James comes in waves not sure of what he wants. He has a complicated mind. I think he wants simplify, but can’t obtain it. He likes to be pampered and loved. He also likes a lot of attention from his partner. I would give him attention by telling him sweet words such as ‘I love you my cute fucking sexy pale ginger’ and constantly love pleasing him by cooking him Mexican spicy food, baking for him cakes and pleasuring him. I don’t know how much more he wanted from me, but it was good enough for him to toss me because he had enough.

James needed me to give him this sense of hope. Though he says that he thinks he’s handsome, I think it’s the opposite for him in his head: he’s not handsome; He’s an average looking male. And if you compare him next to me in pictures, well…not to brag, but I’m a good looking woman next to him.

James also proved to me something that I didn’t know: He’s a weak man. I assumed he was a strong guy since he loves traveling around the world and doing some cool things, but deep inside, he’s a weak emotional man. He can’t express his thoughts and feelings at the moment so he suppresses them and when the moment is wrong (when it’s too late to fix) he brings it out.

How is James ever going to find someone else who can tolerate his ways of life? He’s a very stubborn man.

I never hate you for not loving me anymore. I hate myself for still loving you.

I am a very happy and loving woman. I am funny and full of energy. With him next to me, I brought life to him. He needs a woman who is more vibrant than him. But when the real ‘James’ comes out, it’s intolerable. We had a couple of mini arguments over text; his argumentative words are as if he was right and you were wrong or he caught you in something and you are looked bad to him.

Clearly, I overlooked all that because I love him. However, if you take the love out and the way James was talking to me, clearly it’s not of a friend, but of someone who didn’t trust me (someday I’ll have to put up the last year’s conversation online so you can understand how he responded to me when I said I had visions of us being together. He’s a dream crusher!)

I had the chance to be happy with Ben in June. I really did. And because of his fear of moving on with my life (losing that energy I gave him even as friends) he decided to sell me this dream of us being together and maybe leading to marriage if I agreed to be his girl. And as stupid as I was, I took his words and let Ben go.

Before breaking up, James asked me in person, ‘Are you talking to Ben again?’ I looked at him puzzled,’ Why would I talk to Ben again? Ben is not on speaking terms with me. I picked you as my boyfriend and not him, therefore we are not talking.’

I guess James was thinking, ‘Right, if Ara is talking back to Joe, then maybe she will have a chance with him again.’

What the fuck was he thinking? As if Ben was waiting for me with arms open? I hurt a man who really loved me and let him go for James’s selfish ways. OF COURSE, BEN’S NOT GOING TO TAKE ME BACK!

Clearly I need a man who is strong enough like me, or near my level. I get scared at dating people at my level, but I’m thinking now it’s time for a fresh start and a new chapter in my life. The thought of dating weak men turn me off, and I just couldn’t believe that James is a weak man.

Ben is a very strong man. We are chatting on Twitter here and there about topics, but nothing much. He’s dating someone at the moment, but don’t know anything else. I confessed to him that I was sorry for what I did, but he’s moving on and there is nothing I can do to gain him back.

For now, I daydream about James and the moments we had together. I wish I could compress them in a video with a background song which I love called Dogwood Blossom by Fionn Regan. A song about depression created by someone (I believe). All I know is that I wish I could hold him now again and relive my last weekend with him. It’s now a faded memory because I had to push a lot of it out of my head in order to keep my sanity. Maybe tomorrow I will try to write about our last days together  in London together in a brief outline so I could at least keep what is left in memory forever.

Keep climbing into my head without knockin’
And you fix yourself there like a map pin – Fionn Regan’s Dogwood Blossom

Day Six

Miss BrokenHearted4 Comments

I sent him a text last night.

I know I shouldn’t had, but I did. This is what I wrote:

Ara: Hello. I hope you are doing well. I’ve been going through my juicing reboot and well with work it keeps me busy. I’ve been approved for student loans, but it’s a pretty good sign so far I might head to London soon. Thinking of you. Have a good night.

I got James’s text this morning:

James: Morning. Glad you are doing well and keeping busy. I’m fine, plenty on work too with work and other admin bs. Take care.

I personally thought he was going to tell me to fuck off or not even reply, but I was surprised he wrote that. He said ‘other admin bs’ and if I was with him, I’d reply back with ‘ah babe you can do it! this is the life of a freelancer so deal with it’ or give him some sort of support, but today, I felt like I had some sort of power over him. He said ‘Take Care’ as to end it, but the whole of him putting ‘bs’ is like wanting me to question it. I know him.

I didn’t reply 😀

Day Five

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I have been thinking a lot the past 24 hours about James. I think he had someone else on the side.

When I was over in London about a week ago, I went through his wallet while he was sleeping. I don’t know why, but I wanted to go through it.

I found two receipts on two evenings he told me he was out with friends. The dinner was a bit late and also, it looks like he paid for two and not for himself. Isn’t that odd? I never questioned it because I trusted him. But now thinking of what has happened, it seems like he went on some sort of date.

You see three weeks ago, I caught him on OK Cupid. On his profile it said, ‘Single’ and the last time he checked was that day at midday. I was on OK Cupid because I was getting messages that there were guys interested in me, when I remember I deactivated my account about a year ago. I checked if he was still on (because he told me he was deactivated) and of course, he was still active.

That was my warning sign. I should had seen it.

I’m thinking he went on a date with this girl and it went great. Then maybe he kept in touch and who knows what he told her, ‘Oh I have a friend over from Warsaw for a couple of days, so I won’t be able to see you, but hopefully we will soon’ I could just picture it now what he said. And it gets me upset because I trusted James. I trusted him with all my heart and soul and to think that he could be capable to doing this is unbelievable. I say it’s FUCKING selfish of him!

We broke up when I started to a) plan the flights to see him often and b) when I got accepted to grad school in London.

Yes, I have been accepted to grad school in London 😀 And I found out on a Wednesday. James broke up with me on a Thursday.

My mother, who I love very much said, ‘Pos de dejo porque tu de hibas a mudar para Londres y como tenia otra vieja, pos de dejo!’ (Well he left you because you were serious to move to London and since he was seeing someone else, he let you go)

I feel stupid because I really think he did this to me now. It makes me want to go on OK Cupid just to spy on him to see if he’s checking out other women. I know him. I’m thinking he doesn’t need time to heal what he did to me; he was already maybe dating someone.

But we had a great time I tell you when I was there for six days: I made love to him every night and believe me, a man who is guilty of thinking ‘oh shit I’m going to break her heart’ wouldn’t be doing that to me. He broke up with me cause he said he couldn’t live knowing this and this was depressing him….now don’t you think he would had told me or shown it during this time?! Not even once! He kept holding my hand, kissing me in public and being the boyfriend that he was; it just doesn’t make sense.

Last night I spoke to a very good friend called Angie and she told me to heal first and love myself first before going out into the world.

Ara, you must ask God for forgiveness and accept him back into your life. He knows what he’s doing for you. Trust him.

I started to be a bit of an atheist because of James. He has no hope, pessimistic and an atheist. And I’m the opposite. I guess opposites attract right?

So following my friend’s advice, I went to meet my ex- Polish boyfriend, Greg at the regular Starbucks we used to meet while we were dating in the center of Warsaw. He looked very nice, gained a bit of an extra belly, but his eyes and his face looked very well. He was serious looking, (like many Polish people) and just listening as I did the talking. I wanted to see him to express my sincere sorry for what I did to him.

————————————————————————————–

Greg and I had a great relationship at the beginning, however we had communication problems due to him having English as a second language, which made our relationship at times hell. What made our relationship more separable from each other was James.

I was still in love with James. I got with Greg in 2013 about a year ago. James pushed me off in late September telling me I was obsessed with the idea of us being together, so then with a broken heart, I decided to move on and got with Greg. During the 3-4th month of dating, James came back into my life. We started to text again and from there we started to do Skype meetings. I then went in February 2014 to visit him and well…..

I think you know what I did next.

From that moment I knew I was in love with James still and not with Greg. It was a very cruel thing to do and I feel really bad about what I did, but if I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t had known what James and I had. It had to be discovered. And the worst part of it all: I have no regrets.

I left Greg in June of this year because I need to figure out what James and I had. I had to do it. It was killing me. And it was very hard to let him go, but I had to. And also we didn’t get along majority of the time. I blame it for being in love with James and wanting to be in London and not in Warsaw.

——————————————————————————————–

We met today for two hours and talked about the past. Well I did more of the talking than he did, but I was nervous laughing about the times when he made me cry or when we would have a huge fight.

He wasn’t laughing.

‘Sorry, Greg for laughing. I’m not laughing about the situation, but it was a long time ago and I’m nervous’

‘Why are you nervous, Ara?’

‘I don’t know.’, I said wondering if what I will say next won’t make me feel weak. ‘I just been thinking a lot about the past and the way I left you…the way we ended things…was terrible and it’s something that I live knowing. And I’m sorry about it all. You did everything in your power to save the relationship and I didn’t I failed you. And I’m sorry.’

He looked at me with this serious face,’ Well that was a long time ago, Ara so I can’t feel anything.’

‘Um…Greg, that was three months ago’

‘I know but everything has changed and I have moved on and you have moved on. And nothing has changed for me, Ara, so I still feel the same’

So my ex wasn’t moved by my words, but I shed a tear when I told him how deeply sorry I was. I hurt two people during this process of having James in my life. I risked love twice and for what? To walk out with emptiness.

But as my friend Angie says, I need to ask for forgiveness in order to be able to find peace in my heart and move on. The only one I can’t forgive at the moment is James.

My love and passion is now turning into being deceived, lied and cheated. Is that wrong of me to think this way?

Tonight I plan to send him a text. I want to tell him that I got the Direct Loan approval that my credit is good and that I could receive a student loan. I know he would be happy to hear this, yet don’t know how to do it. I’m not ready to have a conversation with him. Just want him to say ok great and good night. It’s all I want to hear.