Tag: life

Between Day Sixteen and Seventeen

Miss BrokenHeartedLeave a comment

It’s official: I don’t have any romantic/sexual feelings for Luke.

It came to me during our meeting that I have every Saturday evening to meet people from all over the world, especially from Poland. This was my second meeting and it went pretty good laughing and chatting with new people. Luke had shown up later in the evening and by the end of the meeting, it was only Luke, Ernesto (a new friend I had made that evening from Mexico City! Oh yeah!) and I.

It was a great magical evening because for the first time in history, Poland had beaten German in football with 2-0. The Poles went absolutely crazy (in my books because Poles don’t really get crazy only in special occasions: birthdays, weddings, New Years, and Football.

This time it was football and everyone was happy indeed! I have never seen Poles so happy in a very long time, especially as a whole country. In fact, the last time I had seen this was New Years Eve with my ex Greg and I was drinking with strangers on the street with them offering me champagne straight from the bottle. Hey, who needs a cup when you have a celebration and free booze, right?

‘I want to dance’. I said to Luke. ‘I mean I want to celebrate this day. Let’s go out to a club!’

His eyes lit up.’Yeah, let’s go! Ernesto you want to come?’

‘Yeah, man I’m down. Let’s go!’ Ernesto is a married man with two kids, but his lovely wife and children live in Wroclaw while he works here. And he’s Mexican so they know how to party.

We walked about half a kilometer when we arrived to Klubokawiarnia where you pay a 20 zl fee to get in. Once you are there, you walk through this hallway full of couches and seating place till you get to a staircase where you have to go downstairs. You are first greeted by one small room and then if you keep walking down the corridor, you will get to a bigger room (the main room) with disco balls. From there is another room next to the bar where again, you have to walk through this dark small seating corridor, to arrive at the last room which is a medium size room where we spent our evening there.

I tell you it was crazy. I have never experienced anything like this. It was like being back in college days in Tijuana clubs but crowded and no space what so ever. The people here push and shove and they don’t even say sorry. The Poles just don’t care really. They do the same with buses, trams, etc. No manners exist in the clubs because then you will spend your evening just apologizing. So, no one does it. People push and shove at the bar like animals. Just expect that when you come to Klubokawiarnia. However, living in this country has got me to develop this thick skin so I’m used to it and it didn’t bother me at the end of it all.

In fact, I spent my evening dancing with one particular man with a beard and bald head. He seemed very fit. His name was Michael. He was pulling me real close to him, grinding me from behind and front as if I was back in the American clubs and there was one moment which I thought was hilarious.

‘So how old are you?’ I asked shouting into his ear.

‘Oh you don’t want to know how old I am! I’m too old for you.’

‘Shut up, how old? Come on!’

‘OK OK, I’m 29. Ok see, I told you I’m old.’

I hesitated to tell him the next news. ‘Well um you are not that old. Cause I’m 34.’

Michael put his hands over his cheeks with a shocking surprised. ‘WHAT?! OMG you are my type of woman!!!’

Michael comes charging towards me, getting low and picking me up! I was being bounced in the club! I shrieked because I had no idea he was going to do this! I mean I’m a heavy set woman and he was able to pick me up! What a man, what a man! Though I was very flattered that he did this because when I lived in London, somehow men had a thing for picking me up in the clubs (literally). Maybe because I look like a boxing bag to them? I don’t know, but I find it pretty sexy indeed.

And as for Luke? Well there he was around the dance floor dancing but he had no moves. I love a man who can cut loose on the floor. James is not the greatest dancer, but he can sure dance to cheesy music like no other. It was at the wedding when we first danced together and he had some moves. He also liked my moves as well cause we danced all night. It was honestly a magical night for us in May. Though when I date the next man, he has to know how to move on the dance floor and not care about how he’s dancing. James has that. It’s something I really miss seeing him do. In fact, I have two small clips of us singing and dancing at this wedding. Something I will cherish for the moment.

At the end of the evening, Michael told me he was engaged (typical), and walked out with Luke and Ernesto at 3am. I felt bad for Luke to go all the way home (since he lives far south of Warsaw) so I was nice enough to offer him to stay over at my place. He agreed.

Throughout the walk, I opened up to Luke a bit more about James and what I had with him. I also told him that I couldn’t give anything or feel anything for anyone at the moment because I am hurt and still love James. I also confessed that there was a time in the club where I heard ACDC and one of the last days I was with James, we listened and watched some ACDC videos. I got a bit sad, but then the music changed and snapped back into reality.

Luke said, ‘But Ara, that was the past. You have to forget it. You can’t live in the past.’

‘I know Luke, but it’s hard for me to move on. He was everything I wanted in man.’

Luke looked at me and said these amazing words:

You can’t live the past because it’s done. Can’t do anything about it. You can’t live the future because you don’t know the future so you can’t worry about that. But what you do know is now. You have to live now. Living the moment is all you can do. So live it now, and forget the past and future.

Wise words from a great Polish friend.

We came to my house 20 minutes later and offered him to share my twin bed with him. He agreed as well to that. I didn’t want to kiss him or do anything sexual with him. I have realized that I really enjoy his company as a friend. We flirt, but somehow I just don’t see any romance or sexual lust for him. Maybe it’s best that we are good friends.

We laid in bed with our clothes on. I took off my tights.

‘Can I cuddle you?’ I said to him tired. ‘Yes, of course you can’, said Luke as he let me put my arms around his chest.

‘You can cuddle me too if you like. I don’t mind.’

‘Oh you are giving me permission?’ Luke said with a smile. ‘It should be that I ask for permission, so Ara, can I cuddle you?’

‘Of course you can. Of course.’

With soft music playing in the background, we dozed off to sleep.

Day Fifteenth

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When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window – Maria from The Sound Of Music

Yesterday was two weeks since we said good-bye through Skype. It feel so long ago, but it’s only been two weeks. I had a very good day at work, but when I came home, I found myself daydreaming from the time I left work to when I arrived back home.

I imagine that I leave James a note through a text or Facebook that I’m going to be at a certain location at a certain time if he wants to meet me after months of no conversation. James gets all excited, so he drops everything and comes to me at Greenwich Park at the top point overlooking London, but I’m not there. So then I send him a text saying,

Ara: I’m waiting for you at our spot.

James would think for a second and know in that moment, that it would be on the side of a hill overlooking London through the trees. The area is a bush off the path place, but it has an amazing view. That’s where James and I spent at least 2 hours sitting at that spot talking and kissing in the summer of July. It was also the day I told him that I was in love with him.

Ok so back to the daydream! 

….James starts to walk quickly thinking, ‘Shit, I can’t lose her’ and then starts to run. James doesn’t want to lose this chance of seeing her face to face, especially after a very long time and thinking about his biggest mistake. As James arrives, he sees a figure standing up looking very beautiful with dark hair….he knows it’s me.

‘Ara’, he cries out.

I turn to look at James very slowly with the wind in my hair. I go up to him as James pulls out his hand to help me up to the path. ‘Ara…I can’t believe you are here. You are finally here. And you look…wow…absolutely amazing!’

I’m a bit flattered of course by all his talk. ‘Thanks James. It’s great to be back in London. I’m finally here again.’

James starts to get emotional. ‘Ara, I know it sounds crazy, but I have been thinking about you; about us. We have had such amazing times and now that you are here in London, all I want to do is relive them with you. I just want to be with you. What do you think? Is there a way to forgive me for all this? Because I’m so sorry Ara. Really, I am. Trust me on this.’

‘How can I trust you, James? I gave you everything. I gave you my body, mind and soul and you still fucked me over. I trusted you so much, but you just took over me. I was lied to when you were still on OK Cupid, you excluded me from your friends/family and you made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of you. I did everything you asked me to do and still it wasn’t enough. How can I even trust you again? How can I learn to love you again?’

James without hesitation, ‘Ara, just give me a chance, please! I promise you that I will never ever leave your side no matter what. And I’ll take care of you. I’ll prove to you that I’m the one for you….and to show you that we are meant to be. I know it.’

Daydreaming this garbage makes me sick. Makes me sad and upset. So yesterday I came back home with this daydream soap opera in my head and went straight to bed and cried. I spent an hour thinking of nothing in my head. I’ve always lived in my daydreams; they must stop. It’s hard, but it must stop.

When I find out next month about my finances to go to grad school in London officially, I kid you not, I will put up a dating ad again on the same website I met James and I’ll click on his profile so he can see mine, then James will have to see that I’m on it again, so he’ll click on my profile and read:

“Hey guys, well I’m back from living in Poland and now soon to be living in London in January and I’m ready to meet a real man. No, not a guy who doesn’t know what he wants, but a man who knows what his needs are. I’m single ready to mingle.”

James will read it and get upset. I will be like, ‘HA!’ You think I was going to sit around and wait for you?’

Tonight I’m going out with the guy I met through Tango named Luke. I tell you he’s a very sweet guy, but not sure how he’s going to dress up today cause we are going out to the old town in Warsaw. Let’s just see how nice and interesting this man is. But in reality, I don’t see much happening. He makes me feel good, but not sure. I don’t even know where I’ll be heading next month so it’s all in a limbo state.

I also thought about why it was easy for me to let go of my ex in 2012 and can’t get rid of James: I knew I wasn’t going to live in London in a very long time vs. I don’t know whether London will be my home or not in January building up these stupid daydreams and hopes.

I haven’t heard from George, which is cool cause I see him tomorrow. We’ll see what happens then. In the meantime, I know yesterday James was out and maybe with a girl; He didn’t check his Facebook at all from 7pm and on wards. I’m thinking the worst: he spent the night with someone else.

I really hate Facebook Messenger. Is there a way to get rid of it? I want to. But maybe I should play with fire too. Check in at places and put pictures up, especially one of me with the dress I bought in London and asked him to zip it up on me just to see how it looks. James thought it was very pretty, but what a shame because I won’t be wearing it for him first. It will be worn for Luke instead 😀

Between Day Thirteen and Fourteen

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All day I had the urgency to text James. I don’t know why, but after thinking about it over and over and asking the tarot cards, I decided to reply to James’s message on Sunday.

Ara: I had a good weekend with friends, yet I’m still finding it difficult of what has happened between us. Just know that I care about  you. Hope you are not going through drama with work (cause I am and you’re a Leo as well lol). Have a good night. 

James wrote back two hours later:

James: I’m sorry you’re finding it difficult. I am too. Work is OK but we lost the contract with IKEA (he works in the whole e-commerce website buisness). I’ll probably still continue through so should be fine. Sleep well. 

Then I replied in 30 seconds! I was falling asleep when I got it. Didn’t think James would write, but wrote back:

Ara: I’m sorry to hear about your work. I was just sleeping. Things will progress though. I know they will with work. I’ll be fine as well. Well it’s nice to know that I’m not on this alone. Time will tell. Sleep well. Night. 

No reply on James. I wasn’t expecting one anyways. I had a feeling much was said and that was the end of it.But even after the whole break up, the one writing is me. So this means, James is not caring about me so much if he’s not writing back first correctly?

Between Day Nine and Ten

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The weekend was filled with some tears and new happiness. Writing about the past with James has been tough for me. In fact, on Day Nine I looked at our videos when we went to my friend’s wedding in May and our time in July. James didn’t like being filmed nor photographed, but he had an exception with me. The deal was that I wouldn’t put them put on Facebook for people to see; James is a very private man. So our memories, pictures, even voice recordings are stored in my phone and camera.

Yes, I said voice recordings. When I had the chance, I would record our conversations together without James’s consent. I also have another silly confession: I even recorded James’s sleeping next to me in audio for 45 minutes so I could replay it someday while I was in Warsaw as if he was sleeping next to me. Sounds creepy, right? Geez, I can’t believe I let you in on that secrete.

My plans for Saturday were suppose to be going out with an ex-student of mine by the name of Jan. However, I had a slightly feeling he was going to cancel on me. I then remembered that I belong to a certain website where people meet from all over the world and sleep at their houses for free. I checked in and saw that they had a get together on that same evening just minutes from my flat! I clicked the ‘yes’ button to attend this get together. I had two hours to get ready.

I showed up to this meeting and couldn’t find anyone. I walked around for a bit, and still no one. Then about 10 minutes later, a Hispanic looking male came up to me.

‘Are you looking for the get together group?’ he said. I sighed with relief, ‘Yes! Oh I thought I was the only one. I’ve been looking around and can’t seem to find this group.’ He pulled out a cigarette. He was at least content that he wasn’t alone in this situation. ‘Oh good,’ He said. ‘I’m just here for one night. I just arrived from Canada and leaving somewhere else tomorrow. You’re the first person I meet in Warsaw’.

Within 5 minutes, another couple showed up and then slowly everyone had came in. By one hour, it was at least 15 people from all over the world talking and discussing things. Within this group I met George who was from Scotland. I was intrigued since he was from Scotland and I don’t really have Scottish friends, but it was nice to hear someone speak English fluently and I really enjoyed his company.

I hope it wasn’t rude, but I didn’t speak to many other people but George and two others. I kept it more interested with George since we seemed to have things in common like recent heartaches and breakups. I told George a bit about James and he fully understood. Our 8pm meeting went on till past midnight. I was getting cold and tired, yet I didn’t want the evening to end. It was very nice that George was very talkative and friendly.

At the end of our evening, George accompanied me to my flat since it was towards his direction of his flat. I could feel he was getting closer to me from the side bumping into me. George’s body language was telling me to be prepared for something.

We arrived at my gate entrance to the flat. We both were a bit nervous.

‘So, this is where I live’, I said. I pointed to the direction he should walk. ‘If you keep going up this street, you’ll get to the river and you then turn to your left and you’ll see your bridge.’

George smiled and nodded. ‘Alright, well thank you. I think I’ll find it.’

I opened my arms in front of me not knowing what to do. ‘Um, well how do we say “Good-Bye”? With a hand shake or hug?’

George came towards me, got me by the arms and gave me a light peck kiss on the lips. Pause. Kissed me again. Pause. And then full on in a gentle nice way. I clearly wasn’t expecting this, but I went with it. It feels nice to be kissed softly. Reminded me of when James would kiss me in bed after making love.

I didn’t want that night to end. The thought of having a male with me to cuddle me and spend time together was something I needed. I missed being next to a man. The last man I was with was James. The idea of having the scent of a man near me, to comfort me, to hold me, to kiss me in bed under the covers, to touch the back of my neck and hair while kissing me…are the things I miss with James. But James isn’t here. He left me empty. I needed a temporary fill-in.

‘Ok, well…now that you kissed me, I was thinking if you would like to come up with me to my flat and have a cup of tea. Also, you can spend the night with me, but I personally do not want to be sexual.’ George knew where I was coming from and he understood. He came up with me, had a good conversation over tea, put my pj’s on, watched a Simpson’s episode on YouTube, kissed for a bit and went to sleep.

Pre-Break Up Holiday in London Part One

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You will have to be patient with me on going back to these dates, especially since they seem a blur. I believe it’s because I’ve pushed them to the side to forget about him, but today I’ll do my best to go back.

September 17th

Arrived early to meet him because I begged the EasyJet bus driver if I could ride an hour earlier than my ticket time. I dressed up very sexy for him: Black dress, with black tights and heels. I felt a bit silly wearing them, but I wanted him to get excited. I went into the put looking around for him and all I was seeing were English blokes staring at me. I text him to see if I would get his attention and then I heard my name. I turned to see James sitting near the entrance near the wooden barriers. James smiled with delight, came up to me and gave me a big hug and started to kiss me very passionately in the pub. James had missed me. We hung out there for a bit while he finishes his pint and we cuddled and kissed in the back of the pub.

Holding hands and helping me with my bag, we went to James’s home in Blackheath together. I said hello to the housemate that was there and then we went up the stairs where we snogged and cuddled. I really had missed James. I had told him about my plans for the next two days and he was content, but tired. We made love that evening as well quietly and after our session, kissed good night. ‘Good night babe’, James would tell me every evening right before he would give me his back and curl up.

In that late night, I started to cough and it wasn’t very pleasant. There was a moment that I sat upright quickly and James woke up as well sitting upright and said, ‘Babe, it’s ok. You alright?’ He thought I was having a nightmare, but it was very sweet of him to be caring. James had a nightmare on my visit in July. I did the same thing for him: woke up and told him if he was ok and not to worry. We care about each other. James is a caring man.

September 18th

I went shopping for goodies (sweets baby!) that day because I wanted to see The Goonies which the film was playing live near the Mayor’s Office next to the Thames for that evening for free. We met in London Bridge station, kissed and went hand in hand to the area, however it was packed. After hanging outside the mayor’s office for ten minutes, kissing and holding hands and talking about his housemates, James and I decided to go back to where he lives and get ourselves a dinner and a pint. We went back to his house, went to this pub near his place and I had two pints of Magners and he had his Ale. I had ordered a great healthy salad and James had a cottage pie.  I don’t remember what we talked about, but by the end of the evening we went back to his place through a different shortcut. ‘Where are you taking me, James?’ He pulled my hand towards him to continue walking, ‘Oh I don’t know. You just have to wait and see’. I kept playing stupid, ‘Oh James, honestly, where are we going? Isn’t your house that way?’ James smiled, ‘You just have to see where I’m taking you’. Then out of nowhere, ‘Ara, look a fox!!’ James knows I like foxes. ‘OOHHH A Fox! Yes! We finally see one!’

We get to the house quietly upstairs, take off our clothes and get into bed. Again making love (a bit more longer on this one since James was drinking). We brushed our teeth together and this was the first time James urinated in front of me. I took it as a sign: he’s getting very comfortable with us. I was glad James was, thought I wasn’t ready to urinate in front of him.

September 19th

We had the house to ourselves! Wooo! I had decided to cook him Mexican and bought all of the ingredients for us, even desert. He asked me in the morning if I needed money for it. ‘No babe, I’m fine. I got it.’, I said with a smile on my face. James was pleased as well. Tired and being a bit cranky, we went to the station together because I was going to visit my ex boss who lives near by Blackheath. Before I got off my stop, I kissed James good morning and off I went. James went to work.

Later that evening I decided to get there early to make him his dinner, yet I couldn’t open the bolt lock on the door. I was tired and really wanted to prepare something for him and be all sexy in the kitchen for him, but I ended up hanging out at the pond for an hour or so till James came to meet me at the pond. I text James that I couldn’t open the lock, and told me that the door can be a bit temperamental (wish he would had told me that). He had also bought me some fruit cider beer which he knew I loved. We got into the house and went to lay in for a bit on the couch watching Top Gear with a tea and talked and kissed.

James made this smacking lip sound as if he was enjoying a meal. I looked at him and said, ‘What? Are you trying to tell me something, James?’ A huge grin came over his face, ‘Ummm I don’t know what you mean.’ I was in shocked, but I knew what he was trying to tell me, ‘Ah so that’s you sign for “Woman, get into the kitchen and make me some food,” right?!’ James laughed. I got up. ‘OK OK OK I’m going, I’m going to cook for ya now.’

James made me smile too much. Everything I did, I did it to make him  happy.

As I was preparing, James came into the kitchen and joined me while he was scrolling through his phone and catching up on FB. The meal didn’t take long (30 mins). I made him Mexican Mole with chicken breast and Mexican rice. James absolutely loved it. I called my mother just before I made the rice to make sure I was able to make it and it came out super.

That evening, James thought that we could watch finally The Goonies together in the sitting room. It took James about 30 minutes to make the computer work with the telly as I sat there looking at the telly screen and seeing if the screen changed. After getting it to work, we sat and watched the movie interlocking our hands and legs together. At a certain part of the movie, James started to doze off. I didn’t scolded him. ‘Babe, put your head here, ok?’. James nodded and took a good 10 minute nap and made it just in time for the end. After that, we were both tired and full of Mexican food. So we went upstairs and had the energy to make love to each other for some time. It was so lovely to have James in my arms and just feeling him on me. I don’t remember how we slept, but usually after a session, we tended to doze off in each others arms.

Day Nine

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Last night I had a surge of energy and came to a conclusion: James needs me to boost him up because he’s not happy man.

Last year around the same time he left me when he didn’t need me (he was travelling around South America).  For this reason of leaving me , I don’t know if he’s involved with someone else or he felt he just couldn’t handle me anymore so maybe he thought ‘Well that’s enough for me’ and instead of being a man of his word (promising me things that he would never let me go, that he would never go for someone else, work very hard on this long distance relationship, and that he would never leave my side), he pushed me away again.

James cried during our break up because he was letting go and finally on his own. He didn’t need me anymore. Through his eyes I was sucking his energy when he didn’t give me much; I had to supply the relationship’s energy for the both of us.

But it’s so odd that it has happened again to me twice during the same time. It was in late December of last year that we started to get closer again and I don’t know why I feel this odd feeling he’ll come back into my life again after November.

James comes in waves not sure of what he wants. He has a complicated mind. I think he wants simplify, but can’t obtain it. He likes to be pampered and loved. He also likes a lot of attention from his partner. I would give him attention by telling him sweet words such as ‘I love you my cute fucking sexy pale ginger’ and constantly love pleasing him by cooking him Mexican spicy food, baking for him cakes and pleasuring him. I don’t know how much more he wanted from me, but it was good enough for him to toss me because he had enough.

James needed me to give him this sense of hope. Though he says that he thinks he’s handsome, I think it’s the opposite for him in his head: he’s not handsome; He’s an average looking male. And if you compare him next to me in pictures, well…not to brag, but I’m a good looking woman next to him.

James also proved to me something that I didn’t know: He’s a weak man. I assumed he was a strong guy since he loves traveling around the world and doing some cool things, but deep inside, he’s a weak emotional man. He can’t express his thoughts and feelings at the moment so he suppresses them and when the moment is wrong (when it’s too late to fix) he brings it out.

How is James ever going to find someone else who can tolerate his ways of life? He’s a very stubborn man.

I never hate you for not loving me anymore. I hate myself for still loving you.

I am a very happy and loving woman. I am funny and full of energy. With him next to me, I brought life to him. He needs a woman who is more vibrant than him. But when the real ‘James’ comes out, it’s intolerable. We had a couple of mini arguments over text; his argumentative words are as if he was right and you were wrong or he caught you in something and you are looked bad to him.

Clearly, I overlooked all that because I love him. However, if you take the love out and the way James was talking to me, clearly it’s not of a friend, but of someone who didn’t trust me (someday I’ll have to put up the last year’s conversation online so you can understand how he responded to me when I said I had visions of us being together. He’s a dream crusher!)

I had the chance to be happy with Ben in June. I really did. And because of his fear of moving on with my life (losing that energy I gave him even as friends) he decided to sell me this dream of us being together and maybe leading to marriage if I agreed to be his girl. And as stupid as I was, I took his words and let Ben go.

Before breaking up, James asked me in person, ‘Are you talking to Ben again?’ I looked at him puzzled,’ Why would I talk to Ben again? Ben is not on speaking terms with me. I picked you as my boyfriend and not him, therefore we are not talking.’

I guess James was thinking, ‘Right, if Ara is talking back to Joe, then maybe she will have a chance with him again.’

What the fuck was he thinking? As if Ben was waiting for me with arms open? I hurt a man who really loved me and let him go for James’s selfish ways. OF COURSE, BEN’S NOT GOING TO TAKE ME BACK!

Clearly I need a man who is strong enough like me, or near my level. I get scared at dating people at my level, but I’m thinking now it’s time for a fresh start and a new chapter in my life. The thought of dating weak men turn me off, and I just couldn’t believe that James is a weak man.

Ben is a very strong man. We are chatting on Twitter here and there about topics, but nothing much. He’s dating someone at the moment, but don’t know anything else. I confessed to him that I was sorry for what I did, but he’s moving on and there is nothing I can do to gain him back.

For now, I daydream about James and the moments we had together. I wish I could compress them in a video with a background song which I love called Dogwood Blossom by Fionn Regan. A song about depression created by someone (I believe). All I know is that I wish I could hold him now again and relive my last weekend with him. It’s now a faded memory because I had to push a lot of it out of my head in order to keep my sanity. Maybe tomorrow I will try to write about our last days together  in London together in a brief outline so I could at least keep what is left in memory forever.

Keep climbing into my head without knockin’
And you fix yourself there like a map pin – Fionn Regan’s Dogwood Blossom

Day Seven

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It’s my first official week being single.

And it’s my first day being pissed off at him. Finally, I’m angry at James for what he did to me.

I started to think why did he get with me on June 22nd? Why did he decided to take a leap of faith?

On June 4th, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend Greg. I had to let him go to see if it was true love between James and I. I had text James that day that it was over with Greg and he was out shopping for his world cup holiday with his buddies around Europe. Though there was someone else who consoled me during this break up.

This is where Ben comes in. Ben was a guy who I met in Radom, Poland last year while walking on the street on my first day living in Poland. Sweet guy, young, can be a bit naive, but very handsome with big arms, arrogant and confident.

Nothing like James. James is the opposite: thin arms, bit of a belly with a bit of man boobs, thin hands and feet, somewhat attractive with a double clef chin and big ears and not so confident.

So, Ben and I were chatting a lot during this time. In fact, he got very close and told me he was very interested in me. I kept him there and loved chatting with him. It was though around this time when I got single that he decided to do something daring while texting through Whatsapp:

Ben: Well in order to cheer you up, I would like to see you for you birthday in Warsaw. What do you think about that?

Ara: No I wouldn’t dare. You don’t have to.

Ben: But I want to. It would be great to see you again. And I can treat you out for your birthday.

Ara: Can you buy me a lamp? I need one for my room.

Ben: Umm….how much are lamps in Poland?

——————————————-

Yes, I wanted a lamp at that time, but don’t need one since I bought one myself at IKEA.

But yes, there was a moment after this break up that I was free and Ben was taking it up and loving it versus James, who kept quiet and not so communicative with me.

I had a friend who advised me to do the following: Ignore James.

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Basic Rules for showing James that I don’t need him and having a fun time with other people:

Rule number 1: Don’t text him.

Rule number 2: Don’t reply to him till hours or next day.

Rule number 3: Keep the text short and simple.

Rule number 4: Post pictures and check-in’s up on FB and brag on how you are having a great time with friends and having fun.

Rule number 5: If you see him online, don’t say hello. Wait till he does. Just don’t make the first move.

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I was very close to Ben and close to say yes to him. However, I wanted to play these rules to James as a one last attempt make him open his eyes. I did these rules while he was on holiday and believe me, I had him where I wanted. I got this message at around the early hours from him through Facebook:

James: Oh. If there is someone new what can I do? Nevermind I guess I regroup then go again.
This is why I can’t do distance. If someone is there they are there. That’s worth more. You cannot compete.
From this situation, came an argumentative chat on Facebook which lasted about one hour and it involved a lot of crying and frustration. At the end this came out:
I said to him, ‘James, no you don’t care about me because if you did, you would take me now.’
James said, ‘I can’t take you now you are too far. If you want to make a plan then i will help you. I said I would’
From those talks came out even more two days later and that’s when we made it official. James wanted to work it out with me and have a chance before any other man came into my life to take my heart. He wanted the chance.
I gave James my heart, the chance to be with me and give him everything. James failed me at the end. He wasn’t strong enough to carry me through. In fact, I’m a bit sad now to think that I took a huge leap of faith to just get hurt after all these strong words with James. James said that my passion knocks him over at times. I guess I was too much for him.
Whatever the case is, tonight I will cry on my pillow and think of him. Looking back at these messages gets me back to the moments when I was so happy. I thought ‘Finally, I have won over his heart.’ But it wasn’t much.
True love means not giving up on their partners.

Day Five

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I have been thinking a lot the past 24 hours about James. I think he had someone else on the side.

When I was over in London about a week ago, I went through his wallet while he was sleeping. I don’t know why, but I wanted to go through it.

I found two receipts on two evenings he told me he was out with friends. The dinner was a bit late and also, it looks like he paid for two and not for himself. Isn’t that odd? I never questioned it because I trusted him. But now thinking of what has happened, it seems like he went on some sort of date.

You see three weeks ago, I caught him on OK Cupid. On his profile it said, ‘Single’ and the last time he checked was that day at midday. I was on OK Cupid because I was getting messages that there were guys interested in me, when I remember I deactivated my account about a year ago. I checked if he was still on (because he told me he was deactivated) and of course, he was still active.

That was my warning sign. I should had seen it.

I’m thinking he went on a date with this girl and it went great. Then maybe he kept in touch and who knows what he told her, ‘Oh I have a friend over from Warsaw for a couple of days, so I won’t be able to see you, but hopefully we will soon’ I could just picture it now what he said. And it gets me upset because I trusted James. I trusted him with all my heart and soul and to think that he could be capable to doing this is unbelievable. I say it’s FUCKING selfish of him!

We broke up when I started to a) plan the flights to see him often and b) when I got accepted to grad school in London.

Yes, I have been accepted to grad school in London 😀 And I found out on a Wednesday. James broke up with me on a Thursday.

My mother, who I love very much said, ‘Pos de dejo porque tu de hibas a mudar para Londres y como tenia otra vieja, pos de dejo!’ (Well he left you because you were serious to move to London and since he was seeing someone else, he let you go)

I feel stupid because I really think he did this to me now. It makes me want to go on OK Cupid just to spy on him to see if he’s checking out other women. I know him. I’m thinking he doesn’t need time to heal what he did to me; he was already maybe dating someone.

But we had a great time I tell you when I was there for six days: I made love to him every night and believe me, a man who is guilty of thinking ‘oh shit I’m going to break her heart’ wouldn’t be doing that to me. He broke up with me cause he said he couldn’t live knowing this and this was depressing him….now don’t you think he would had told me or shown it during this time?! Not even once! He kept holding my hand, kissing me in public and being the boyfriend that he was; it just doesn’t make sense.

Last night I spoke to a very good friend called Angie and she told me to heal first and love myself first before going out into the world.

Ara, you must ask God for forgiveness and accept him back into your life. He knows what he’s doing for you. Trust him.

I started to be a bit of an atheist because of James. He has no hope, pessimistic and an atheist. And I’m the opposite. I guess opposites attract right?

So following my friend’s advice, I went to meet my ex- Polish boyfriend, Greg at the regular Starbucks we used to meet while we were dating in the center of Warsaw. He looked very nice, gained a bit of an extra belly, but his eyes and his face looked very well. He was serious looking, (like many Polish people) and just listening as I did the talking. I wanted to see him to express my sincere sorry for what I did to him.

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Greg and I had a great relationship at the beginning, however we had communication problems due to him having English as a second language, which made our relationship at times hell. What made our relationship more separable from each other was James.

I was still in love with James. I got with Greg in 2013 about a year ago. James pushed me off in late September telling me I was obsessed with the idea of us being together, so then with a broken heart, I decided to move on and got with Greg. During the 3-4th month of dating, James came back into my life. We started to text again and from there we started to do Skype meetings. I then went in February 2014 to visit him and well…..

I think you know what I did next.

From that moment I knew I was in love with James still and not with Greg. It was a very cruel thing to do and I feel really bad about what I did, but if I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t had known what James and I had. It had to be discovered. And the worst part of it all: I have no regrets.

I left Greg in June of this year because I need to figure out what James and I had. I had to do it. It was killing me. And it was very hard to let him go, but I had to. And also we didn’t get along majority of the time. I blame it for being in love with James and wanting to be in London and not in Warsaw.

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We met today for two hours and talked about the past. Well I did more of the talking than he did, but I was nervous laughing about the times when he made me cry or when we would have a huge fight.

He wasn’t laughing.

‘Sorry, Greg for laughing. I’m not laughing about the situation, but it was a long time ago and I’m nervous’

‘Why are you nervous, Ara?’

‘I don’t know.’, I said wondering if what I will say next won’t make me feel weak. ‘I just been thinking a lot about the past and the way I left you…the way we ended things…was terrible and it’s something that I live knowing. And I’m sorry about it all. You did everything in your power to save the relationship and I didn’t I failed you. And I’m sorry.’

He looked at me with this serious face,’ Well that was a long time ago, Ara so I can’t feel anything.’

‘Um…Greg, that was three months ago’

‘I know but everything has changed and I have moved on and you have moved on. And nothing has changed for me, Ara, so I still feel the same’

So my ex wasn’t moved by my words, but I shed a tear when I told him how deeply sorry I was. I hurt two people during this process of having James in my life. I risked love twice and for what? To walk out with emptiness.

But as my friend Angie says, I need to ask for forgiveness in order to be able to find peace in my heart and move on. The only one I can’t forgive at the moment is James.

My love and passion is now turning into being deceived, lied and cheated. Is that wrong of me to think this way?

Tonight I plan to send him a text. I want to tell him that I got the Direct Loan approval that my credit is good and that I could receive a student loan. I know he would be happy to hear this, yet don’t know how to do it. I’m not ready to have a conversation with him. Just want him to say ok great and good night. It’s all I want to hear.

In Between Day Three and Four

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I thought, ‘How am I suppose to move on, if I could still smell his scent and see his t-shirt?’

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On the night we broke up while chatting via cam on Skype, I had a blank mind.

‘James, I don’t know what to do,’ I said in a quivered voice as I was trying to hold back tears. ‘I really don’t know….wait give me a minute.’

I got up from my bed and started to collect the diary I had written about us, a book called All About Us, (a great book filled with questions to ask your partner) which had entries filled out, three picture frames of us together and the birthday card James sent me on my 34th birthday.

James was just on the camera looking miserable with puffy eyes since he had been crying. I’ve never seen him like this before. He looked devastated.

‘Ok, I think I know what’s next, but ok.’

I didn’t want to let him go. I don’t know when I would see him next. Those thoughts raced through my head. I can look back and think, ‘Should I had said something else?’ But I told him the words that should be powerful enough for anyone to change their mind and heart.

‘I love you, James. I really love you. And I will miss you terribly’. I wasn’t sure if I should had asked him, but I did because hey, you will always look back and think about it. Might as well go all the way.

‘James, can you please give me a kiss?’

James nodded and took his hand placing it over his lips and sent me a kiss. ‘Oh James, I love you so much. Thank you.’

‘Take care, Ara. Take care.’

I sent him a kiss as well and with a wave and tears, the conversation ended.

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Last night, I looked at my bed and there was his yellow striped gray t-shirt that I had stolen from him. When I had confessed on Tuesday that I took it from his dresser, he said, ‘You bad girl.’ Those words still ring in my head.

I decided to do the bravest thing: I took the t-shirt off the pillow and stored the shirt away with the rest of the things that remind me of us in the closet.

James Tshirt

It was a very hard thing to do, but somehow thought that if I want to move on without him I need to stop having things about him or us.

Stop reflecting the past and live the future

But yes, last night I slept without it and felt odd this morning waking up. In fact, I went to bed late and woke up early at around 4am and staying up till 7am. I have weird sleeping patterns at the moment. I imagine over and over again scenarios of us meeting again at Greenwich Park or I’ll be walking down the street and we will bump into each other. I also have daydream scenarios of him looking for me…whatever it is…I’m living in daydreams. I need to stop thinking that I’ll see him and that all will work out at the end. He wants me to be happy. That’s why he let me go, right?

I’m off to do some things and go for another walk.

Take everything with baby steps.

Day Three

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Well today has been a pretty bad day.

The day started slow, but managed to get up and clean the kitchen and toilet and washed my clothes for the week.

The idea of going back to work with children depresses me at the moment. I really hope I could manage this week. I must. It also gives me something to do and be busy because I can’t be stuck to the computer.

Sundays are a day to be more online than outdoors for me. Though today was a very nice sunny day, I did manage to do the things I’ve been needing to do: bought vitamins, printed out student loan deferment sheets, and went veggie shopping at my store a.k.a. Bidronka (ladybug in Polish).

I also had friends writing to me and asking if I was alright and if anything, they are here to listen to me vent. I really appreciate it because it shows that people do care for me.

Your ex doesn’t love and want you, but you are wanted and loved by others

But usually on Sundays I would talk to James on Skype. That was our weekly ritual thing to do. Tonight, there will be no Skype meeting.

I really miss hearing his voice. I have videos and voice recordings of him that I did without him knowing, but I don’t want to play them. At times today I thought about the ‘what if’ situations because I’ve have friends on Facebook that told me maybe there is a possibility that we might get back together, but honestly the idea of that makes me depressed too. I have to let him go.

I started to ponder about why was it easy to forget about him a year ago and so difficult to forget about him now? Last year, he pushed me away from his life because he was out traveling. He told me I was obsessed with him and with illusions that we would work out to be together someday. So I remember crying my eyes out, and saying ‘Fuck you, James’ and that was the end of it. Three weeks later I was dating a Polish man. James didn’t like it that I moved on so quick. We had no contact for two months.

But today has been an odd sad day where I heard from past boyfriends and potentials that they are now dating or engaged.

Oh great.

I’m single and there is no one who makes me feel ‘special’….right now.

I had a great chat with Bob, my ex-boyfriend of 2.5 years. He was a great boyfriend and we had the most amazing time together. I told him what had happened to me and he said, ‘Ara, you’re a strong woman’.

‘I know Bob, but James sucked the life out of me. He made me go atheist. I just don’t believe in God anymore or if there is anything out there.’

He also said the following which I will quote:

Ah don’t think like that. There is something there. Just have faith that you are looked after and that every experience you have will be an opportunity for growth and learning, including the bad ones, especially the bad ones cause that’s when we learn the most about ourselves. Well just remember please yourself first and build your life around that and if anyone wants to share in that but don’t let other people dictate how you should run your life.

Bob is right. I’m so happy that he’s still in my life. I knew he was meant to be in my life somehow. After speaking to Bob, who also advised me to mediate, I had to go for a walk and vent out on the phone, but this time to my mother and sister again.

‘Otra vez sigues llorando? Ya para de llorar. Estas loca’ (You’re crying again? Stop crying. You must be crazy.)

Thank you, mother. I really need to hear this right now.

I also spoke to Genny and she also told me to stay strong and she knows why I’m crying.

‘Ara, you’re crying because you had illusions and dreams to be next to you. He promised you things and then he backed out. The one at fault is him, not you. You did your best, so don’t feel bad.’

I was looking out at the Vistula (I live very near by) and was thinking of how I just want this pain to end or the feeling of being empty and sad. I visualized myself jumping in from the bridge, but I would never do that. I love life, but just finding it hard to live without him.

I had so many dreams…well we had dreams together. We dreamed about how many kids we would have, how his family would like my Mexican cooking skills, where we would get married and how our kids would have to support Forest and not Arsenal. We just had dreams built…and now they are gone.

Also the toughest thing to swallow is that I broke my ex boyfriend’s heart (Greg) and had a chance to be with an amazing man who was giving me his heart and soul but I ended up choosing James, because I love and trusted him. It’s a bit of a long story, but someday I’ll go over this story as well.

I’m focusing myself on the future tonight. I must. I have to move on and get rid of this. I’m really hurt by James. I should be upset with him, but I’m not.

At times I keep reliving our last weekend together and start to look for clues that he was giving me as a sign that it was over, but personally, I can’t find them. I really can’t. I swear I should give him the award for best actor. And to think I got a Masters degree in teaching actors.