When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window – Maria from The Sound Of Music

Yesterday was two weeks since we said good-bye through Skype. It feel so long ago, but it’s only been two weeks. I had a very good day at work, but when I came home, I found myself daydreaming from the time I left work to when I arrived back home.

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I imagine that I leave James a note through a text or Facebook that I’m going to be at a certain location at a certain time if he wants to meet me after months of no conversation. James gets all excited, so he drops everything and comes to me at Greenwich Park at the top point overlooking London, but I’m not there. So then I send him a text saying,

Ara: I’m waiting for you at our spot.

James would think for a second and know in that moment, that it would be on the side of a hill overlooking London through the trees. The area is a bush off the path place, but it has an amazing view. That’s where James and I spent at least 2 hours sitting at that spot talking and kissing in the summer of July. It was also the day I told him that I was in love with him.

Ok so back to the daydream! 

….James starts to walk quickly thinking, ‘Shit, I can’t lose her’ and then starts to run. James doesn’t want to lose this chance of seeing her face to face, especially after a very long time and thinking about his biggest mistake. As James arrives, he sees a figure standing up looking very beautiful with dark hair….he knows it’s me.

‘Ara’, he cries out.

I turn to look at James very slowly with the wind in my hair. I go up to him as James pulls out his hand to help me up to the path. ‘Ara…I can’t believe you are here. You are finally here. And you look…wow…absolutely amazing!’

I’m a bit flattered of course by all his talk. ‘Thanks James. It’s great to be back in London. I’m finally here again.’

James starts to get emotional. ‘Ara, I know it sounds crazy, but I have been thinking about you; about us. We have had such amazing times and now that you are here in London, all I want to do is relive them with you. I just want to be with you. What do you think? Is there a way to forgive me for all this? Because I’m so sorry Ara. Really, I am. Trust me on this.’

‘How can I trust you, James? I gave you everything. I gave you my body, mind and soul and you still fucked me over. I trusted you so much, but you just took over me. I was lied to when you were still on OK Cupid, you excluded me from your friends/family and you made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of you. I did everything you asked me to do and still it wasn’t enough. How can I even trust you again? How can I learn to love you again?’

James without hesitation, ‘Ara, just give me a chance, please! I promise you that I will never ever leave your side no matter what. And I’ll take care of you. I’ll prove to you that I’m the one for you….and to show you that we are meant to be. I know it.’

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Daydreaming this garbage makes me sick. Makes me sad and upset. So yesterday I came back home with this daydream soap opera in my head and went straight to bed and cried. I spent an hour thinking of nothing in my head. I’ve always lived in my daydreams; they must stop. It’s hard, but it must stop.

When I find out next month about my finances to go to grad school in London officially, I kid you not, I will put up a dating ad again on the same website I met James and I’ll click on his profile so he can see mine, then James will have to see that I’m on it again, so he’ll click on my profile and read:

“Hey guys, well I’m back from living in Poland and now soon to be living in London in January and I’m ready to meet a real man. No, not a guy who doesn’t know what he wants, but a man who knows what his needs are. I’m single ready to mingle.”

James will read it and get upset. I will be like, ‘HA!’ You think I was going to sit around and wait for you?’

Tonight I’m going out with the guy I met through Tango named Luke. I tell you he’s a very sweet guy, but not sure how he’s going to dress up today cause we are going out to the old town in Warsaw. Let’s just see how nice and interesting this man is. But in reality, I don’t see much happening. He makes me feel good, but not sure. I don’t even know where I’ll be heading next month so it’s all in a limbo state.

I also thought about why it was easy for me to let go of my ex in 2012 and can’t get rid of James: I knew I wasn’t going to live in London in a very long time vs. I don’t know whether London will be my home or not in January building up these stupid daydreams and hopes.

I haven’t heard from George, which is cool cause I see him tomorrow. We’ll see what happens then. In the meantime, I know yesterday James was out and maybe with a girl; He didn’t check his Facebook at all from 7pm and on wards. I’m thinking the worst: he spent the night with someone else.

I really hate Facebook Messenger. Is there a way to get rid of it? I want to. But maybe I should play with fire too. Check in at places and put pictures up, especially one of me with the dress I bought in London and asked him to zip it up on me just to see how it looks. James thought it was very pretty, but what a shame because I won’t be wearing it for him first. It will be worn for Luke instead 😀