Author: Miss BrokenHearted

A 30-something single woman in the quest to figure out why she has been brokenhearted and sharing her discoveries in London

Four. Years. Ago.

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It’s September 25th, 2018 and it has been four years since the day James and I ended our relationship. What do you think has happened?

Well not much between us.

As for communication just the here and there message for birthdays, Christmas and New Years Eve. I still have his number on my phone and know he’s on Whataspp (it was one of the main ways we kept communication abroad).

I will have to say that we have had some interesting events. I know the last one I left it in a cliffhanging moment, but I should write about that event and two more.

I woke up this morning playing all the songs of 2014 playlist on my Spotify and read all of the blog’s posts. I have to admit that I really enjoyed reading them and so happy that I wrote about what happened with details. Some I forgot such as finding the dead slug in my hair while rolling around with a young man after my break up and the songs that I could not play at all. I checked out the 2014 playlist and found that two songs were missing: Dogwood Blossom and Place to Be. I played them back to back for at least an hour while taking a shower and getting ready today. I was finally able to listen to these songs without shedding a tear.

I have to say that many of the songs that I used to play with James or reminded me of James took time to play them. For example, I went to see The Cure this summer and the song Picture of You always reminds me of when I went to see him in Feb 2014 laying next to him while checking his emails after a morning delight. I think for me it was more of being next to James and having a laugh.

I have a confession to make: I miss him as a friend, as the person who I could just be myself and upset for how James broke up with me (over internet) and making it seem as if I was obsessed with him.

Obsession(əbˈsɛʃən; əbseshˈən) noun

1. the act of an evil spirit in possessing or ruling a person
2. a. the fact or state of being obsessed with an idea, desire, emotion, etc.
b. such a persistent idea, desire, emotion, etc., esp. one that cannot be gotten rid of by reasoning
Webster’s New World College Dictionary, 4th Edition. Copyright © 2010 by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. All rights reserved.

To be obsessed to going to where he lives, stalking him, where he eats, where he goes for gigs, finding out where he works, sending him messages all the time constantly and making sure I see him somehow. I am not obsessed with him. I do not know where he works, if he’s dating anyone, if he still lives in where he says he last lived, and do not hang out where he lives, etc. In fact, I tend to avoid it because I do not know what I would say to him, but at the same time I would just like to bump into James by accident and for him to tell me “You know what, the past is the past Ara and I was an idiot for breaking up with you over the internet than in person. I am sorry. Can we just start again as friends?” and then I’d say, “Sure” while we grab coffee and talk about the latin women he’s bangged abroad and my dull relationship with my boyfriend.

James pops into my mind at least once a month and that’s at times if :

  1. someone looks like him
  2. a song comes on that I danced or sung with him
  3. dreamed him
  4. there is something to do with Nottingham Forest Football Club
  5. anything to do with Nottingham.

DUDE, I AM NOT OBSESSED! This is so common for women and their ex partners to think of! Dude….

Yes, I have a boyfriend. I have been with him for 3.5 years, however, the relationship was a hoax; feel cheated since he promised me so many things (marriage, house, love, outings, holidays together) but he’s full of talk. Such a man who really wants those things take action for it. I do not want to talk about him and my relationship yet…..

Do I love James still? I care for him a lot but I have lost his trust. If James ever wants to ever try it again, I would, with the fact that he went to seek therapy on how to open up and not be afraid to love. I can not fix that for him. He must do it himself. I say this because I have learned that James was afraid to love and get hurt. Therefore he withheld feelings and thoughts because he did not want to hurt me….but when the bubble busted it took so much of James and cut me off. It was the best way for him to move on: unfriend me on facebook and no longer messaging me back at all.

James once told me that he gives up on things when he knows there is damaged and no way to repair it. I guess it’s how he sees us. I guess we are damaged goods.

If I could tell James anything, I would like to say that I want only the best for him. I want him to open up and find that woman that will be able to drive him wild and madly in love. I know it will not be me (due to James’s behaviour towards me in the last 4 years) and I do not clinch straws to be with him….I just wish we can talk like human beings face to face and laugh again. All I wish is to look back at these memories and relive them again with laughter.

“But there’s another way to look at it. Consider this: the pain doesn’t come from losing your soul mate, but from the disappointment that this guy wasn’t your soul mate. It’s sad, but it’s not catastrophic. And if you look at it this way—that in some regard, he failed to live up to your values and standards, so how could he have been your soul mate?—the pain is likely to be less severe. I don’t mean to minimize the amount it hurts. I’ve been there, believe me. But by grieving only for your disappointment and dashed expectations, you allow yourself to remain open to the next guy who comes along. It’s a much more manageable type of pain. We can now say more easily, “Although I’m hurt right now, this person wasn’t right for me. Now I can allow myself to find the right person.” This might sound like a small difference, but just allowing ourselves to take on this more correct understanding of what has happened can free us to move forward.”
― Matthew Hussey, Get the Guy: Learn Secrets of the Male Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love You Deserve

Here’s to another year-the year to find not my soulmate, but my partner for life.

Day ??? – My comeback

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I had a dream that night that I was speaking to James. It had been months since I had last seen him online through Skype on our break up session and somehow in my dreams he would be next to me in my bed sleeping. Off and on throughout the night.

I woke up with the sunlight shining through my windows. I was getting text messages from Luke. He loves sending me his ‘Good Morning’ with at kiss at the end of it. I wasn’t really feeling the good morning since I had too much to drink last evening. I now wake up in a bigger and brighter room with a double bed. My clothes and belongings are all in order where they should be. At times I wake up thinking, “Where am I?”and have to remind myself that I have made the dramatic crazy move of leaving lovely Warsaw in December and back in London on my own without James.

I am no longer in Warsaw. Weird.

I’m trying to remember what happened last night; drinks flowing pints after pints at the nearest pub where I live, dancing to some funky music and odd enough, having my first post-break up meeting with James.

It wasn’t a dream. He had been in my bed all through the night sleeping naked next to me.

Shit.

Between Day Sixteen and Seventeen

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It’s official: I don’t have any romantic/sexual feelings for Luke.

It came to me during our meeting that I have every Saturday evening to meet people from all over the world, especially from Poland. This was my second meeting and it went pretty good laughing and chatting with new people. Luke had shown up later in the evening and by the end of the meeting, it was only Luke, Ernesto (a new friend I had made that evening from Mexico City! Oh yeah!) and I.

It was a great magical evening because for the first time in history, Poland had beaten German in football with 2-0. The Poles went absolutely crazy (in my books because Poles don’t really get crazy only in special occasions: birthdays, weddings, New Years, and Football.

This time it was football and everyone was happy indeed! I have never seen Poles so happy in a very long time, especially as a whole country. In fact, the last time I had seen this was New Years Eve with my ex Greg and I was drinking with strangers on the street with them offering me champagne straight from the bottle. Hey, who needs a cup when you have a celebration and free booze, right?

‘I want to dance’. I said to Luke. ‘I mean I want to celebrate this day. Let’s go out to a club!’

His eyes lit up.’Yeah, let’s go! Ernesto you want to come?’

‘Yeah, man I’m down. Let’s go!’ Ernesto is a married man with two kids, but his lovely wife and children live in Wroclaw while he works here. And he’s Mexican so they know how to party.

We walked about half a kilometer when we arrived to Klubokawiarnia where you pay a 20 zl fee to get in. Once you are there, you walk through this hallway full of couches and seating place till you get to a staircase where you have to go downstairs. You are first greeted by one small room and then if you keep walking down the corridor, you will get to a bigger room (the main room) with disco balls. From there is another room next to the bar where again, you have to walk through this dark small seating corridor, to arrive at the last room which is a medium size room where we spent our evening there.

I tell you it was crazy. I have never experienced anything like this. It was like being back in college days in Tijuana clubs but crowded and no space what so ever. The people here push and shove and they don’t even say sorry. The Poles just don’t care really. They do the same with buses, trams, etc. No manners exist in the clubs because then you will spend your evening just apologizing. So, no one does it. People push and shove at the bar like animals. Just expect that when you come to Klubokawiarnia. However, living in this country has got me to develop this thick skin so I’m used to it and it didn’t bother me at the end of it all.

In fact, I spent my evening dancing with one particular man with a beard and bald head. He seemed very fit. His name was Michael. He was pulling me real close to him, grinding me from behind and front as if I was back in the American clubs and there was one moment which I thought was hilarious.

‘So how old are you?’ I asked shouting into his ear.

‘Oh you don’t want to know how old I am! I’m too old for you.’

‘Shut up, how old? Come on!’

‘OK OK, I’m 29. Ok see, I told you I’m old.’

I hesitated to tell him the next news. ‘Well um you are not that old. Cause I’m 34.’

Michael put his hands over his cheeks with a shocking surprised. ‘WHAT?! OMG you are my type of woman!!!’

Michael comes charging towards me, getting low and picking me up! I was being bounced in the club! I shrieked because I had no idea he was going to do this! I mean I’m a heavy set woman and he was able to pick me up! What a man, what a man! Though I was very flattered that he did this because when I lived in London, somehow men had a thing for picking me up in the clubs (literally). Maybe because I look like a boxing bag to them? I don’t know, but I find it pretty sexy indeed.

And as for Luke? Well there he was around the dance floor dancing but he had no moves. I love a man who can cut loose on the floor. James is not the greatest dancer, but he can sure dance to cheesy music like no other. It was at the wedding when we first danced together and he had some moves. He also liked my moves as well cause we danced all night. It was honestly a magical night for us in May. Though when I date the next man, he has to know how to move on the dance floor and not care about how he’s dancing. James has that. It’s something I really miss seeing him do. In fact, I have two small clips of us singing and dancing at this wedding. Something I will cherish for the moment.

At the end of the evening, Michael told me he was engaged (typical), and walked out with Luke and Ernesto at 3am. I felt bad for Luke to go all the way home (since he lives far south of Warsaw) so I was nice enough to offer him to stay over at my place. He agreed.

Throughout the walk, I opened up to Luke a bit more about James and what I had with him. I also told him that I couldn’t give anything or feel anything for anyone at the moment because I am hurt and still love James. I also confessed that there was a time in the club where I heard ACDC and one of the last days I was with James, we listened and watched some ACDC videos. I got a bit sad, but then the music changed and snapped back into reality.

Luke said, ‘But Ara, that was the past. You have to forget it. You can’t live in the past.’

‘I know Luke, but it’s hard for me to move on. He was everything I wanted in man.’

Luke looked at me and said these amazing words:

You can’t live the past because it’s done. Can’t do anything about it. You can’t live the future because you don’t know the future so you can’t worry about that. But what you do know is now. You have to live now. Living the moment is all you can do. So live it now, and forget the past and future.

Wise words from a great Polish friend.

We came to my house 20 minutes later and offered him to share my twin bed with him. He agreed as well to that. I didn’t want to kiss him or do anything sexual with him. I have realized that I really enjoy his company as a friend. We flirt, but somehow I just don’t see any romance or sexual lust for him. Maybe it’s best that we are good friends.

We laid in bed with our clothes on. I took off my tights.

‘Can I cuddle you?’ I said to him tired. ‘Yes, of course you can’, said Luke as he let me put my arms around his chest.

‘You can cuddle me too if you like. I don’t mind.’

‘Oh you are giving me permission?’ Luke said with a smile. ‘It should be that I ask for permission, so Ara, can I cuddle you?’

‘Of course you can. Of course.’

With soft music playing in the background, we dozed off to sleep.

In Between Day Fifteen and Sixteen: Date with Luke

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This was my first official date as a single woman after James decided to call it quits.

I was a bit nervous thinking, ‘Oh what to wear…’, but since the weather was very nice, I decided to wear a blue/white dress with a cream cardigan top and cream high heels. It was late evening for our meeting, however the weather in Poland can change drastically, so I wanted to take something else for warmth. I didn’t want to take my winter jacket because it was too warm to wear and I didn’t want to take my wind/rain coat because it was warm to wear. I went through my closet to find this sliver shawl that I had bought in May this year in London to wear for a wedding and with a date that evening: James. I haven’t worn that shawl since the wedding reception party. In fact, the whole outfit was a reminder of James: The heels were worn as well for the wedding and on my birthday last year with James, the dress was first seen by James and he also helped me zip it up and the shawl.

I had to put all of these things aside and tell myself, ‘Ara, he’s no longer here. You have to make new memories. Plus, it’s just clothes!’ I walked out with all of the items on and went to meet Luke in Old Town Warsaw.

I was expecting Luke to look handsome, but he looked like any other regular day; Levi’s Jeans and a long sleeve shirt. Nothing fancy. I was expecting him in slacks, button up shirt, looking very nice and with a flower in his hand, but I guess these expectations are too high for Luke.

‘Oh I thought you were going to be in slacks.’ I said.

Luke looked puzzled. ‘What are slacks?’

The trouble of dating someone whose first language isn’t English is a bit of a challenge. You will always have to correct them, fix their sentences, and give them new slang vocabulary words. I don’t mind, but at times, it does get to you. Though I’m going to make myself a new rule when dating foreigners: date them at a C1 Level, which means proficiency.

We went around the Old Town and crossed towards New Town area where we had to sit down for a while. I had worn the wrong shoes: high heels are not good for cobbled stone streets!

‘Oh don’t sit there!’, Luke said touching the benches.

‘Why? I don’t see anything on them.’

Luke shows me his fingers, ‘You see, the bench is wet and you’ll wet your dress, so let’s find some newspaper.’

Luke is a very sweet guy. VERY SWEET! And a gentleman as well. He’s the type of guy that a lovely quiet sweet girl would love to date. But why not me? Why wouldn’t I date him? I started to have feelings for him last week during Tango, but something had changed in me.

From the bench we went to see the fountains which are located in New Town Warsaw. They are very lovely at night all lighted up.

Then I came up with a great idea. ‘Luke, why don’t we practice tango here at the park?’

Luke looked at me again with that puzzled look, ‘You want to dance in the park in front of the people? Are you sure?’

I pulled out my phone and opened up my Spotify app, ‘Yah, why not? We can find a quiet spot where there isn’t many people around and we can dance it. What do you say?’

Hesitating for a bit, a smile came across his face,’Yeah, why not! Let’s do it!’

We then found a nice little area where not too many people were walking around away from the fountains since we needed to listen to the music. I picked a song from a tango list that I had found and once we found a pretty good song, we danced in the park for at least 30 minutes straight! It was great! I have never danced Tango at a park with anyone. It was really a great and magical moment between us.

The weather was getting colder and I had then decided to change the scene. ‘How about we go back to my place, Luke and dance there? I have a good size of a living space.’

Luke agreed to move and off we went to catch the 118 bus to my flat. When we arrived at the flat, we both had a tea, talked about music and our passion to learn more Tango steps. We then logged on Youtube.com and found a great video for us to practice a new move at our Sunday class. We moved the furniture to make more space and started to practice over and over the new move with George able to lead forwards and backwards.

‘Are you looking at your feet?’, I said.’ Cause you know you are not suppose to be looking down.’ I gently slapped his bottom. Luke laughed. He seemed to have liked it. ‘Remember, you’re the man. Come on!’

Our evening kept going and going till 1:30am. I felt very close to him holding him very tightly, but something was missing. I just couldn’t pin it. It was getting late though, and I made him take the night bus back to his house. Luke didn’t know the neighborhood so I had to escort him to the bus stop.

We sat on the bench while Luke was getting nervous. ‘I wonder if there is a bus.’, Luke said. ‘If not, oh shit.’

‘Nah, there has to be a bus. In fact, we are five minutes early, so don’t worry. If not, oh man, I’m going to kill somebody’.

Luke raised his eyebrows.’What? You are going to kill somebody!?

Again, slang expressions must not be used with someone non-native, however if you have the time to explain to them, do it. ‘I’m not going to kill somebody. It’s a slang expression for I’m going to be very upset and might tell someone off, Luke.  But don’t worry, I won’t kill anyone’

Luke laughed, ‘OH I get it. Ok. But yeah, I hope this bus comes soon.’

The bus came 4 minute late from the due time and Luke jumped on the bus and left. I was very glad to do something amazing that evening with someone, especially with a good man. As I walked home, I started to wonder if I should had offered him to stay, but I felt it wasn’t right. After all, it was the third time seeing him in five days.

Day Fifteenth

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When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window – Maria from The Sound Of Music

Yesterday was two weeks since we said good-bye through Skype. It feel so long ago, but it’s only been two weeks. I had a very good day at work, but when I came home, I found myself daydreaming from the time I left work to when I arrived back home.

I imagine that I leave James a note through a text or Facebook that I’m going to be at a certain location at a certain time if he wants to meet me after months of no conversation. James gets all excited, so he drops everything and comes to me at Greenwich Park at the top point overlooking London, but I’m not there. So then I send him a text saying,

Ara: I’m waiting for you at our spot.

James would think for a second and know in that moment, that it would be on the side of a hill overlooking London through the trees. The area is a bush off the path place, but it has an amazing view. That’s where James and I spent at least 2 hours sitting at that spot talking and kissing in the summer of July. It was also the day I told him that I was in love with him.

Ok so back to the daydream! 

….James starts to walk quickly thinking, ‘Shit, I can’t lose her’ and then starts to run. James doesn’t want to lose this chance of seeing her face to face, especially after a very long time and thinking about his biggest mistake. As James arrives, he sees a figure standing up looking very beautiful with dark hair….he knows it’s me.

‘Ara’, he cries out.

I turn to look at James very slowly with the wind in my hair. I go up to him as James pulls out his hand to help me up to the path. ‘Ara…I can’t believe you are here. You are finally here. And you look…wow…absolutely amazing!’

I’m a bit flattered of course by all his talk. ‘Thanks James. It’s great to be back in London. I’m finally here again.’

James starts to get emotional. ‘Ara, I know it sounds crazy, but I have been thinking about you; about us. We have had such amazing times and now that you are here in London, all I want to do is relive them with you. I just want to be with you. What do you think? Is there a way to forgive me for all this? Because I’m so sorry Ara. Really, I am. Trust me on this.’

‘How can I trust you, James? I gave you everything. I gave you my body, mind and soul and you still fucked me over. I trusted you so much, but you just took over me. I was lied to when you were still on OK Cupid, you excluded me from your friends/family and you made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of you. I did everything you asked me to do and still it wasn’t enough. How can I even trust you again? How can I learn to love you again?’

James without hesitation, ‘Ara, just give me a chance, please! I promise you that I will never ever leave your side no matter what. And I’ll take care of you. I’ll prove to you that I’m the one for you….and to show you that we are meant to be. I know it.’

Daydreaming this garbage makes me sick. Makes me sad and upset. So yesterday I came back home with this daydream soap opera in my head and went straight to bed and cried. I spent an hour thinking of nothing in my head. I’ve always lived in my daydreams; they must stop. It’s hard, but it must stop.

When I find out next month about my finances to go to grad school in London officially, I kid you not, I will put up a dating ad again on the same website I met James and I’ll click on his profile so he can see mine, then James will have to see that I’m on it again, so he’ll click on my profile and read:

“Hey guys, well I’m back from living in Poland and now soon to be living in London in January and I’m ready to meet a real man. No, not a guy who doesn’t know what he wants, but a man who knows what his needs are. I’m single ready to mingle.”

James will read it and get upset. I will be like, ‘HA!’ You think I was going to sit around and wait for you?’

Tonight I’m going out with the guy I met through Tango named Luke. I tell you he’s a very sweet guy, but not sure how he’s going to dress up today cause we are going out to the old town in Warsaw. Let’s just see how nice and interesting this man is. But in reality, I don’t see much happening. He makes me feel good, but not sure. I don’t even know where I’ll be heading next month so it’s all in a limbo state.

I also thought about why it was easy for me to let go of my ex in 2012 and can’t get rid of James: I knew I wasn’t going to live in London in a very long time vs. I don’t know whether London will be my home or not in January building up these stupid daydreams and hopes.

I haven’t heard from George, which is cool cause I see him tomorrow. We’ll see what happens then. In the meantime, I know yesterday James was out and maybe with a girl; He didn’t check his Facebook at all from 7pm and on wards. I’m thinking the worst: he spent the night with someone else.

I really hate Facebook Messenger. Is there a way to get rid of it? I want to. But maybe I should play with fire too. Check in at places and put pictures up, especially one of me with the dress I bought in London and asked him to zip it up on me just to see how it looks. James thought it was very pretty, but what a shame because I won’t be wearing it for him first. It will be worn for Luke instead 😀

Day Thirteen

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I’ve been very tired the last two days.

Somehow my energy went from feeling amazing on Sunday to feeling like the end of the world yesterday (Day Twelve). Harvest Moon with Mercury Retrograde (YES, I’m into that!) has fucked up my life somehow.

On Sunday morning I woke up next to George. We didn’t wake up cuddling and kissing, but more like friends. I made him a tea and we sat in the living room talking about our lives with our ex partners and how in the world did they manage to take over our worlds. I then brought up an article which makes great sense where it discusses the three type of dating people which is discussed on this website: http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2014/06/11/relationshipstrategies/avoid-this-attachment-style-in-dating/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+HookingUpSmart+%28Hooking+Up+Smart%29

James is very much an Avoidant: Has difficulty talking about what’s going on in the relationship.

He would give me saying like, ‘Ara, we need to talk about this because it’s not going good.’ I think, ‘What’s the need of talking? You’re going to leave me so how can there be room for negotiation?’

But after George left my flat, I started to clean around the place and watched some great football on my computer. You see, I’m a big fan of English football. In fact, James got me into loving his Nottingham Forest team, so I always get the updates. He also gave me a pin to wear on my jacket (I’ll tell you more about that story in the Part Two of the Pre-Break Up Holiday soon). Even after what has happened between us, I can’t bare to take it off. It stays firmly where he pinned me next to my Arsenal pin.

Before I went off to my first Tango dancing lesson, I decided to write to him because his team won and I was so happy they did (it was a close one), so I wrote this:

Ara: Congrats to your team! Well played! Hope you were there going mental! Get some rest tonight. Take care. 

James wrote back as I was in Tango lessons two hours later:

James: It was good when the equalizer went in. But we played bad first half. Sad for Arsenal though (they lost). Hope you had a nice weekend.

Again, I had chosen not to write back. He said ‘Hope you had a nice weekend’ and that to me is wanting me to tell him how it went. Um…so I didn’t write to him at that time.

During the Tango dancing lesson, I met someone by the name of Luke. He was new to Tango and he became my dancing partner during the third switch. Something happened between us and I really liked his personality. We started to talk and found out he is single, 29 and losing weight like I am! Wow something in common! And his birthday is on July 14th which is very near to mine and we just clicked very nicely. He’s somewhat attractive, but he has potential to look nicer and well dress nicer than wearing baggy Levi’s jeans and OK t-shirts. I would really like to give him a makeover and make him confident. He also has this baby face….ummm I wonder if he grows facial hair.

At the end of the night he took my number and made a date to meet up on Friday at 8pm. Wow I think things are moving a bit fast, but I seemed to had liked it at first. Then came Day Twelve: I felt like shit. I woke up feeling very unpleasant and tired because the day before I ran 3.5 km run. I also started to reflect what I was doing to Luke.

Luke is my ‘fix it for now’ patch. He is here just to make me feel good about myself and I’m using him because I think he’s starting to fall for me. I am just not there and I won’t. This is the same thing that happened last year with James: he pushed me away and I was so hurt that I went on a date with Greg and started to date him seriously right away without letting go of James. I hurt Greg and I feel that I’ll be doing this with Luke too.

I still love James.

Yesterday after work, I came back to my flat, pulled out the diary I had written about our relationship, read a page or two of July 2014 and cried like crazy. I started to shout, ‘You selfish fucker! You stupid arsehole! How the fuck did you manage to take my life?! How could I had been so stupid!? I gave you everything, and it wasn’t enough for you, you selfish arsehole!’

I went hysterical on my own for 10 minutes. Also during my work, I cried at least for 5 minutes while the children were sleeping during preschool. James is really a selfish mental with issues man!

Personally I won’t be able to move on till I know for a definite future for me next year, but will find out in November if I’m moving back to London or not. For now I’m still in this limbo state where I can’t move because if I go to London, it gives me hope that maybe….MAYBE there is something between James and I again. If I don’t get to go, then I’ll be able to let go of him and move on with my life in Warsaw. Let’s see if my financial aid goes through in November for me to attend school next year. I really want to go to London, not for James, but for me because London is my home.

So I’m stuck in the middle with James. I can’t move till I know where I will be going for sure. All of the answers lay ahead, so all I could do is wait.

To end it off, I wrote to James today. I’ve been wanting to take it off my chest the last 48 hours. I didn’t reply to him on Sunday, so might as well reply now. Am I expecting something? No. Maybe a good night, but nothing more. I wrote him this:

Ara: I had a good weekend with friends, yet I’m still finding it difficult of what has happened between us. Just know that I still care about you. Hope you are not going through work drama (cause I am and you’re a Leo as well lol). Have a good night. 

Even after all this time, I still care about James. I must be fucked up in the head.

Between Day Thirteen and Fourteen

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All day I had the urgency to text James. I don’t know why, but after thinking about it over and over and asking the tarot cards, I decided to reply to James’s message on Sunday.

Ara: I had a good weekend with friends, yet I’m still finding it difficult of what has happened between us. Just know that I care about  you. Hope you are not going through drama with work (cause I am and you’re a Leo as well lol). Have a good night. 

James wrote back two hours later:

James: I’m sorry you’re finding it difficult. I am too. Work is OK but we lost the contract with IKEA (he works in the whole e-commerce website buisness). I’ll probably still continue through so should be fine. Sleep well. 

Then I replied in 30 seconds! I was falling asleep when I got it. Didn’t think James would write, but wrote back:

Ara: I’m sorry to hear about your work. I was just sleeping. Things will progress though. I know they will with work. I’ll be fine as well. Well it’s nice to know that I’m not on this alone. Time will tell. Sleep well. Night. 

No reply on James. I wasn’t expecting one anyways. I had a feeling much was said and that was the end of it.But even after the whole break up, the one writing is me. So this means, James is not caring about me so much if he’s not writing back first correctly?

Between Day Nine and Ten

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The weekend was filled with some tears and new happiness. Writing about the past with James has been tough for me. In fact, on Day Nine I looked at our videos when we went to my friend’s wedding in May and our time in July. James didn’t like being filmed nor photographed, but he had an exception with me. The deal was that I wouldn’t put them put on Facebook for people to see; James is a very private man. So our memories, pictures, even voice recordings are stored in my phone and camera.

Yes, I said voice recordings. When I had the chance, I would record our conversations together without James’s consent. I also have another silly confession: I even recorded James’s sleeping next to me in audio for 45 minutes so I could replay it someday while I was in Warsaw as if he was sleeping next to me. Sounds creepy, right? Geez, I can’t believe I let you in on that secrete.

My plans for Saturday were suppose to be going out with an ex-student of mine by the name of Jan. However, I had a slightly feeling he was going to cancel on me. I then remembered that I belong to a certain website where people meet from all over the world and sleep at their houses for free. I checked in and saw that they had a get together on that same evening just minutes from my flat! I clicked the ‘yes’ button to attend this get together. I had two hours to get ready.

I showed up to this meeting and couldn’t find anyone. I walked around for a bit, and still no one. Then about 10 minutes later, a Hispanic looking male came up to me.

‘Are you looking for the get together group?’ he said. I sighed with relief, ‘Yes! Oh I thought I was the only one. I’ve been looking around and can’t seem to find this group.’ He pulled out a cigarette. He was at least content that he wasn’t alone in this situation. ‘Oh good,’ He said. ‘I’m just here for one night. I just arrived from Canada and leaving somewhere else tomorrow. You’re the first person I meet in Warsaw’.

Within 5 minutes, another couple showed up and then slowly everyone had came in. By one hour, it was at least 15 people from all over the world talking and discussing things. Within this group I met George who was from Scotland. I was intrigued since he was from Scotland and I don’t really have Scottish friends, but it was nice to hear someone speak English fluently and I really enjoyed his company.

I hope it wasn’t rude, but I didn’t speak to many other people but George and two others. I kept it more interested with George since we seemed to have things in common like recent heartaches and breakups. I told George a bit about James and he fully understood. Our 8pm meeting went on till past midnight. I was getting cold and tired, yet I didn’t want the evening to end. It was very nice that George was very talkative and friendly.

At the end of our evening, George accompanied me to my flat since it was towards his direction of his flat. I could feel he was getting closer to me from the side bumping into me. George’s body language was telling me to be prepared for something.

We arrived at my gate entrance to the flat. We both were a bit nervous.

‘So, this is where I live’, I said. I pointed to the direction he should walk. ‘If you keep going up this street, you’ll get to the river and you then turn to your left and you’ll see your bridge.’

George smiled and nodded. ‘Alright, well thank you. I think I’ll find it.’

I opened my arms in front of me not knowing what to do. ‘Um, well how do we say “Good-Bye”? With a hand shake or hug?’

George came towards me, got me by the arms and gave me a light peck kiss on the lips. Pause. Kissed me again. Pause. And then full on in a gentle nice way. I clearly wasn’t expecting this, but I went with it. It feels nice to be kissed softly. Reminded me of when James would kiss me in bed after making love.

I didn’t want that night to end. The thought of having a male with me to cuddle me and spend time together was something I needed. I missed being next to a man. The last man I was with was James. The idea of having the scent of a man near me, to comfort me, to hold me, to kiss me in bed under the covers, to touch the back of my neck and hair while kissing me…are the things I miss with James. But James isn’t here. He left me empty. I needed a temporary fill-in.

‘Ok, well…now that you kissed me, I was thinking if you would like to come up with me to my flat and have a cup of tea. Also, you can spend the night with me, but I personally do not want to be sexual.’ George knew where I was coming from and he understood. He came up with me, had a good conversation over tea, put my pj’s on, watched a Simpson’s episode on YouTube, kissed for a bit and went to sleep.

Pre-Break Up Holiday in London Part One

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You will have to be patient with me on going back to these dates, especially since they seem a blur. I believe it’s because I’ve pushed them to the side to forget about him, but today I’ll do my best to go back.

September 17th

Arrived early to meet him because I begged the EasyJet bus driver if I could ride an hour earlier than my ticket time. I dressed up very sexy for him: Black dress, with black tights and heels. I felt a bit silly wearing them, but I wanted him to get excited. I went into the put looking around for him and all I was seeing were English blokes staring at me. I text him to see if I would get his attention and then I heard my name. I turned to see James sitting near the entrance near the wooden barriers. James smiled with delight, came up to me and gave me a big hug and started to kiss me very passionately in the pub. James had missed me. We hung out there for a bit while he finishes his pint and we cuddled and kissed in the back of the pub.

Holding hands and helping me with my bag, we went to James’s home in Blackheath together. I said hello to the housemate that was there and then we went up the stairs where we snogged and cuddled. I really had missed James. I had told him about my plans for the next two days and he was content, but tired. We made love that evening as well quietly and after our session, kissed good night. ‘Good night babe’, James would tell me every evening right before he would give me his back and curl up.

In that late night, I started to cough and it wasn’t very pleasant. There was a moment that I sat upright quickly and James woke up as well sitting upright and said, ‘Babe, it’s ok. You alright?’ He thought I was having a nightmare, but it was very sweet of him to be caring. James had a nightmare on my visit in July. I did the same thing for him: woke up and told him if he was ok and not to worry. We care about each other. James is a caring man.

September 18th

I went shopping for goodies (sweets baby!) that day because I wanted to see The Goonies which the film was playing live near the Mayor’s Office next to the Thames for that evening for free. We met in London Bridge station, kissed and went hand in hand to the area, however it was packed. After hanging outside the mayor’s office for ten minutes, kissing and holding hands and talking about his housemates, James and I decided to go back to where he lives and get ourselves a dinner and a pint. We went back to his house, went to this pub near his place and I had two pints of Magners and he had his Ale. I had ordered a great healthy salad and James had a cottage pie.  I don’t remember what we talked about, but by the end of the evening we went back to his place through a different shortcut. ‘Where are you taking me, James?’ He pulled my hand towards him to continue walking, ‘Oh I don’t know. You just have to wait and see’. I kept playing stupid, ‘Oh James, honestly, where are we going? Isn’t your house that way?’ James smiled, ‘You just have to see where I’m taking you’. Then out of nowhere, ‘Ara, look a fox!!’ James knows I like foxes. ‘OOHHH A Fox! Yes! We finally see one!’

We get to the house quietly upstairs, take off our clothes and get into bed. Again making love (a bit more longer on this one since James was drinking). We brushed our teeth together and this was the first time James urinated in front of me. I took it as a sign: he’s getting very comfortable with us. I was glad James was, thought I wasn’t ready to urinate in front of him.

September 19th

We had the house to ourselves! Wooo! I had decided to cook him Mexican and bought all of the ingredients for us, even desert. He asked me in the morning if I needed money for it. ‘No babe, I’m fine. I got it.’, I said with a smile on my face. James was pleased as well. Tired and being a bit cranky, we went to the station together because I was going to visit my ex boss who lives near by Blackheath. Before I got off my stop, I kissed James good morning and off I went. James went to work.

Later that evening I decided to get there early to make him his dinner, yet I couldn’t open the bolt lock on the door. I was tired and really wanted to prepare something for him and be all sexy in the kitchen for him, but I ended up hanging out at the pond for an hour or so till James came to meet me at the pond. I text James that I couldn’t open the lock, and told me that the door can be a bit temperamental (wish he would had told me that). He had also bought me some fruit cider beer which he knew I loved. We got into the house and went to lay in for a bit on the couch watching Top Gear with a tea and talked and kissed.

James made this smacking lip sound as if he was enjoying a meal. I looked at him and said, ‘What? Are you trying to tell me something, James?’ A huge grin came over his face, ‘Ummm I don’t know what you mean.’ I was in shocked, but I knew what he was trying to tell me, ‘Ah so that’s you sign for “Woman, get into the kitchen and make me some food,” right?!’ James laughed. I got up. ‘OK OK OK I’m going, I’m going to cook for ya now.’

James made me smile too much. Everything I did, I did it to make him  happy.

As I was preparing, James came into the kitchen and joined me while he was scrolling through his phone and catching up on FB. The meal didn’t take long (30 mins). I made him Mexican Mole with chicken breast and Mexican rice. James absolutely loved it. I called my mother just before I made the rice to make sure I was able to make it and it came out super.

That evening, James thought that we could watch finally The Goonies together in the sitting room. It took James about 30 minutes to make the computer work with the telly as I sat there looking at the telly screen and seeing if the screen changed. After getting it to work, we sat and watched the movie interlocking our hands and legs together. At a certain part of the movie, James started to doze off. I didn’t scolded him. ‘Babe, put your head here, ok?’. James nodded and took a good 10 minute nap and made it just in time for the end. After that, we were both tired and full of Mexican food. So we went upstairs and had the energy to make love to each other for some time. It was so lovely to have James in my arms and just feeling him on me. I don’t remember how we slept, but usually after a session, we tended to doze off in each others arms.

Day Nine

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Last night I had a surge of energy and came to a conclusion: James needs me to boost him up because he’s not happy man.

Last year around the same time he left me when he didn’t need me (he was travelling around South America).  For this reason of leaving me , I don’t know if he’s involved with someone else or he felt he just couldn’t handle me anymore so maybe he thought ‘Well that’s enough for me’ and instead of being a man of his word (promising me things that he would never let me go, that he would never go for someone else, work very hard on this long distance relationship, and that he would never leave my side), he pushed me away again.

James cried during our break up because he was letting go and finally on his own. He didn’t need me anymore. Through his eyes I was sucking his energy when he didn’t give me much; I had to supply the relationship’s energy for the both of us.

But it’s so odd that it has happened again to me twice during the same time. It was in late December of last year that we started to get closer again and I don’t know why I feel this odd feeling he’ll come back into my life again after November.

James comes in waves not sure of what he wants. He has a complicated mind. I think he wants simplify, but can’t obtain it. He likes to be pampered and loved. He also likes a lot of attention from his partner. I would give him attention by telling him sweet words such as ‘I love you my cute fucking sexy pale ginger’ and constantly love pleasing him by cooking him Mexican spicy food, baking for him cakes and pleasuring him. I don’t know how much more he wanted from me, but it was good enough for him to toss me because he had enough.

James needed me to give him this sense of hope. Though he says that he thinks he’s handsome, I think it’s the opposite for him in his head: he’s not handsome; He’s an average looking male. And if you compare him next to me in pictures, well…not to brag, but I’m a good looking woman next to him.

James also proved to me something that I didn’t know: He’s a weak man. I assumed he was a strong guy since he loves traveling around the world and doing some cool things, but deep inside, he’s a weak emotional man. He can’t express his thoughts and feelings at the moment so he suppresses them and when the moment is wrong (when it’s too late to fix) he brings it out.

How is James ever going to find someone else who can tolerate his ways of life? He’s a very stubborn man.

I never hate you for not loving me anymore. I hate myself for still loving you.

I am a very happy and loving woman. I am funny and full of energy. With him next to me, I brought life to him. He needs a woman who is more vibrant than him. But when the real ‘James’ comes out, it’s intolerable. We had a couple of mini arguments over text; his argumentative words are as if he was right and you were wrong or he caught you in something and you are looked bad to him.

Clearly, I overlooked all that because I love him. However, if you take the love out and the way James was talking to me, clearly it’s not of a friend, but of someone who didn’t trust me (someday I’ll have to put up the last year’s conversation online so you can understand how he responded to me when I said I had visions of us being together. He’s a dream crusher!)

I had the chance to be happy with Ben in June. I really did. And because of his fear of moving on with my life (losing that energy I gave him even as friends) he decided to sell me this dream of us being together and maybe leading to marriage if I agreed to be his girl. And as stupid as I was, I took his words and let Ben go.

Before breaking up, James asked me in person, ‘Are you talking to Ben again?’ I looked at him puzzled,’ Why would I talk to Ben again? Ben is not on speaking terms with me. I picked you as my boyfriend and not him, therefore we are not talking.’

I guess James was thinking, ‘Right, if Ara is talking back to Joe, then maybe she will have a chance with him again.’

What the fuck was he thinking? As if Ben was waiting for me with arms open? I hurt a man who really loved me and let him go for James’s selfish ways. OF COURSE, BEN’S NOT GOING TO TAKE ME BACK!

Clearly I need a man who is strong enough like me, or near my level. I get scared at dating people at my level, but I’m thinking now it’s time for a fresh start and a new chapter in my life. The thought of dating weak men turn me off, and I just couldn’t believe that James is a weak man.

Ben is a very strong man. We are chatting on Twitter here and there about topics, but nothing much. He’s dating someone at the moment, but don’t know anything else. I confessed to him that I was sorry for what I did, but he’s moving on and there is nothing I can do to gain him back.

For now, I daydream about James and the moments we had together. I wish I could compress them in a video with a background song which I love called Dogwood Blossom by Fionn Regan. A song about depression created by someone (I believe). All I know is that I wish I could hold him now again and relive my last weekend with him. It’s now a faded memory because I had to push a lot of it out of my head in order to keep my sanity. Maybe tomorrow I will try to write about our last days together  in London together in a brief outline so I could at least keep what is left in memory forever.

Keep climbing into my head without knockin’
And you fix yourself there like a map pin – Fionn Regan’s Dogwood Blossom