It’s September 25th, 2018 and it has been four years since the day James and I ended our relationship. What do you think has happened?

Well not much between us.

As for communication just the here and there message for birthdays, Christmas and New Years Eve. I still have his number on my phone and know he’s on Whataspp (it was one of the main ways we kept communication abroad).

I will have to say that we have had some interesting events. I know the last one I left it in a cliffhanging moment, but I should write about that event and two more.

I woke up this morning playing all the songs of 2014 playlist on my Spotify and read all of the blog’s posts. I have to admit that I really enjoyed reading them and so happy that I wrote about what happened with details. Some I forgot such as finding the dead slug in my hair while rolling around with a young man after my break up and the songs that I could not play at all. I checked out the 2014 playlist and found that two songs were missing: Dogwood Blossom and Place to Be. I played them back to back for at least an hour while taking a shower and getting ready today. I was finally able to listen to these songs without shedding a tear.

I have to say that many of the songs that I used to play with James or reminded me of James took time to play them. For example, I went to see The Cure this summer and the song Picture of You always reminds me of when I went to see him in Feb 2014 laying next to him while checking his emails after a morning delight. I think for me it was more of being next to James and having a laugh.

I have a confession to make: I miss him as a friend, as the person who I could just be myself and upset for how James broke up with me (over internet) and making it seem as if I was obsessed with him.

To be obsessed to going to where he lives, stalking him, where he eats, where he goes for gigs, finding out where he works, sending him messages all the time constantly and making sure I see him somehow. I am not obsessed with him. I do not know where he works, if he’s dating anyone, if he still lives in where he says he last lived, and do not hang out where he lives, etc. In fact, I tend to avoid it because I do not know what I would say to him, but at the same time I would just like to bump into James by accident and for him to tell me “You know what, the past is the past Ara and I was an idiot for breaking up with you over the internet than in person. I am sorry. Can we just start again as friends?” and then I’d say, “Sure” while we grab coffee and talk about the latin women he’s bangged abroad and my dull relationship with my boyfriend.

James pops into my mind at least once a month and that’s at times if :

1. someone looks like him
2. a song comes on that I danced or sung with him
3. dreamed him
4. there is something to do with Nottingham Forest Football Club
5. anything to do with Nottingham.

DUDE, I AM NOT OBSESSED! This is so common for women and their ex partners to think of! Dude….

Yes, I have a boyfriend. I have been with him for 3.5 years, however, the relationship was a hoax; feel cheated since he promised me so many things (marriage, house, love, outings, holidays together) but he’s full of talk. Such a man who really wants those things take action for it. I do not want to talk about him and my relationship yet…..

Do I love James still? I care for him a lot but I have lost his trust. If James ever wants to ever try it again, I would, with the fact that he went to seek therapy on how to open up and not be afraid to love. I can not fix that for him. He must do it himself. I say this because I have learned that James was afraid to love and get hurt. Therefore he withheld feelings and thoughts because he did not want to hurt me….but when the bubble busted it took so much of James and cut me off. It was the best way for him to move on: unfriend me on facebook and no longer messaging me back at all.

James once told me that he gives up on things when he knows there is damaged and no way to repair it. I guess it’s how he sees us. I guess we are damaged goods.

If I could tell James anything, I would like to say that I want only the best for him. I want him to open up and find that woman that will be able to drive him wild and madly in love. I know it will not be me (due to James’s behaviour towards me in the last 4 years) and I do not clinch straws to be with him….I just wish we can talk like human beings face to face and laugh again. All I wish is to look back at these memories and relive them again with laughter.

“But there’s another way to look at it. Consider this: the pain doesn’t come from losing your soul mate, but from the disappointment that this guy wasn’t your soul mate. It’s sad, but it’s not catastrophic. And if you look at it this way—that in some regard, he failed to live up to your values and standards, so how could he have been your soul mate?—the pain is likely to be less severe. I don’t mean to minimize the amount it hurts. I’ve been there, believe me. But by grieving only for your disappointment and dashed expectations, you allow yourself to remain open to the next guy who comes along. It’s a much more manageable type of pain. We can now say more easily, “Although I’m hurt right now, this person wasn’t right for me. Now I can allow myself to find the right person.” This might sound like a small difference, but just allowing ourselves to take on this more correct understanding of what has happened can free us to move forward.”
― Matthew Hussey, Get the Guy: Learn Secrets of the Male Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love You Deserve

Here’s to another year-the year to find not my soulmate, but my partner for life.