I’ve been very tired the last two days.

Somehow my energy went from feeling amazing on Sunday to feeling like the end of the world yesterday (Day Twelve). Harvest Moon with Mercury Retrograde (YES, I’m into that!) has fucked up my life somehow.

On Sunday morning I woke up next to George. We didn’t wake up cuddling and kissing, but more like friends. I made him a tea and we sat in the living room talking about our lives with our ex partners and how in the world did they manage to take over our worlds. I then brought up an article which makes great sense where it discusses the three type of dating people which is discussed on this website: http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2014/06/11/relationshipstrategies/avoid-this-attachment-style-in-dating/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+HookingUpSmart+%28Hooking+Up+Smart%29

James is very much an Avoidant: Has difficulty talking about what’s going on in the relationship.

He would give me saying like, ‘Ara, we need to talk about this because it’s not going good.’ I think, ‘What’s the need of talking? You’re going to leave me so how can there be room for negotiation?’

But after George left my flat, I started to clean around the place and watched some great football on my computer. You see, I’m a big fan of English football. In fact, James got me into loving his Nottingham Forest team, so I always get the updates. He also gave me a pin to wear on my jacket (I’ll tell you more about that story in the Part Two of the Pre-Break Up Holiday soon). Even after what has happened between us, I can’t bare to take it off. It stays firmly where he pinned me next to my Arsenal pin.

Before I went off to my first Tango dancing lesson, I decided to write to him because his team won and I was so happy they did (it was a close one), so I wrote this:

Ara: Congrats to your team! Well played! Hope you were there going mental! Get some rest tonight. Take care. 

James wrote back as I was in Tango lessons two hours later:

James: It was good when the equalizer went in. But we played bad first half. Sad for Arsenal though (they lost). Hope you had a nice weekend.

Again, I had chosen not to write back. He said ‘Hope you had a nice weekend’ and that to me is wanting me to tell him how it went. Um…so I didn’t write to him at that time.

During the Tango dancing lesson, I met someone by the name of Luke. He was new to Tango and he became my dancing partner during the third switch. Something happened between us and I really liked his personality. We started to talk and found out he is single, 29 and losing weight like I am! Wow something in common! And his birthday is on July 14th which is very near to mine and we just clicked very nicely. He’s somewhat attractive, but he has potential to look nicer and well dress nicer than wearing baggy Levi’s jeans and OK t-shirts. I would really like to give him a makeover and make him confident. He also has this baby face….ummm I wonder if he grows facial hair.

At the end of the night he took my number and made a date to meet up on Friday at 8pm. Wow I think things are moving a bit fast, but I seemed to had liked it at first. Then came Day Twelve: I felt like shit. I woke up feeling very unpleasant and tired because the day before I ran 3.5 km run. I also started to reflect what I was doing to Luke.

Luke is my ‘fix it for now’ patch. He is here just to make me feel good about myself and I’m using him because I think he’s starting to fall for me. I am just not there and I won’t. This is the same thing that happened last year with James: he pushed me away and I was so hurt that I went on a date with Greg and started to date him seriously right away without letting go of James. I hurt Greg and I feel that I’ll be doing this with Luke too.

I still love James.

Yesterday after work, I came back to my flat, pulled out the diary I had written about our relationship, read a page or two of July 2014 and cried like crazy. I started to shout, ‘You selfish fucker! You stupid arsehole! How the fuck did you manage to take my life?! How could I had been so stupid!? I gave you everything, and it wasn’t enough for you, you selfish arsehole!’

I went hysterical on my own for 10 minutes. Also during my work, I cried at least for 5 minutes while the children were sleeping during preschool. James is really a selfish mental with issues man!

Personally I won’t be able to move on till I know for a definite future for me next year, but will find out in November if I’m moving back to London or not. For now I’m still in this limbo state where I can’t move because if I go to London, it gives me hope that maybe….MAYBE there is something between James and I again. If I don’t get to go, then I’ll be able to let go of him and move on with my life in Warsaw. Let’s see if my financial aid goes through in November for me to attend school next year. I really want to go to London, not for James, but for me because London is my home.

So I’m stuck in the middle with James. I can’t move till I know where I will be going for sure. All of the answers lay ahead, so all I could do is wait.

To end it off, I wrote to James today. I’ve been wanting to take it off my chest the last 48 hours. I didn’t reply to him on Sunday, so might as well reply now. Am I expecting something? No. Maybe a good night, but nothing more. I wrote him this:

Ara: I had a good weekend with friends, yet I’m still finding it difficult of what has happened between us. Just know that I still care about you. Hope you are not going through work drama (cause I am and you’re a Leo as well lol). Have a good night. 

Even after all this time, I still care about James. I must be fucked up in the head.