I thought, ‘How am I suppose to move on, if I could still smell his scent and see his t-shirt?’

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On the night we broke up while chatting via cam on Skype, I had a blank mind.

‘James, I don’t know what to do,’ I said in a quivered voice as I was trying to hold back tears. ‘I really don’t know….wait give me a minute.’

I got up from my bed and started to collect the diary I had written about us, a book called All About Us, (a great book filled with questions to ask your partner) which had entries filled out, three picture frames of us together and the birthday card James sent me on my 34th birthday.

James was just on the camera looking miserable with puffy eyes since he had been crying. I’ve never seen him like this before. He looked devastated.

‘Ok, I think I know what’s next, but ok.’

I didn’t want to let him go. I don’t know when I would see him next. Those thoughts raced through my head. I can look back and think, ‘Should I had said something else?’ But I told him the words that should be powerful enough for anyone to change their mind and heart.

‘I love you, James. I really love you. And I will miss you terribly’. I wasn’t sure if I should had asked him, but I did because hey, you will always look back and think about it. Might as well go all the way.

‘James, can you please give me a kiss?’

James nodded and took his hand placing it over his lips and sent me a kiss. ‘Oh James, I love you so much. Thank you.’

‘Take care, Ara. Take care.’

I sent him a kiss as well and with a wave and tears, the conversation ended.

———————————————————————————————-

Last night, I looked at my bed and there was his yellow striped gray t-shirt that I had stolen from him. When I had confessed on Tuesday that I took it from his dresser, he said, ‘You bad girl.’ Those words still ring in my head.

I decided to do the bravest thing: I took the t-shirt off the pillow and stored the shirt away with the rest of the things that remind me of us in the closet.

It was a very hard thing to do, but somehow thought that if I want to move on without him I need to stop having things about him or us.

Stop reflecting the past and live the future

But yes, last night I slept without it and felt odd this morning waking up. In fact, I went to bed late and woke up early at around 4am and staying up till 7am. I have weird sleeping patterns at the moment. I imagine over and over again scenarios of us meeting again at Greenwich Park or I’ll be walking down the street and we will bump into each other. I also have daydream scenarios of him looking for me…whatever it is…I’m living in daydreams. I need to stop thinking that I’ll see him and that all will work out at the end. He wants me to be happy. That’s why he let me go, right?

I’m off to do some things and go for another walk.

Take everything with baby steps.