Today wasn’t as bad as yesterday. I woke up very early to find myself finishing Day One entry. I felt satisfied finally posting something that I really have worked hard on; able to express how I really feel about James.
But today was a very different day. I never thought it would end this way.
Throughout the day, I thought about James. I started to replay our last days together just recently in London. A week ago James and I were dancing in his living room while drinking to Polish Rye Vodka and Coke picking music from Spotify. We started off the dancing session with The Whole Of The Moon song by The Waterboys.
‘I have been dying to dance this song with you’, I said while I held out my hands towards him as he sat on the couch looking at me with puppy eyes. I played the song and said, ‘Come on, let’s dance babe’.
James held out his hands as I pulled him up from the couch and straight into my arms singing to each other. It was literally an amazing evening. We also had many other songs that we danced to such as Alive and Walking on a Dream by Empire of the Sun (he introduced me to this band by sending me Walking on a Dream which was the most overplayed song in my Jeep for 2013), Banquet by Bloc Party, Time to Pretend by MGMT, We Danced Together by The Rakes, Signed, Sealed and Delivered by Stevie Wonder, and one that I was pretty surprised to hear.
‘Babe, why don’t you play a Motown song?’
He looked at me surprised and clicked on the play button. The music started to play as I was finishing the sentence. I had a smile on my face on what I heard next. What song did James choose for us to dance?
The Sweetest Feeling by Jackie Wilson.
I remember holding and kissing each other very close. The lyrics rung through my ears and into my heart. What was he trying to tell me? I make him very happy if he picked this song to dance with me.
It was then after of couple of songs later, that I vaguely remember, that we started to make love on the floor. In fact, it was this evening when we had unprotected sex for the first time. I knew in that moment that he really cared for me; James hasn’t had unprotected sex with anyone in years.
That was a week ago. Today, I’m alone back in Warsaw hanging on to his t-shirt.
I have to confess that I have cried on his t-shirt (used as a pillowcase) at least twice today talking to myself saying over and over, ‘You are gone, James. You are gone.’
I also found some hair strands on top that he had left in my room in his visit to Warsaw in August and let me tell you that I cried hysterically. The image of him being in my room, laying on my bed, making love in my room and all the times I have loved caressing his hair are just memories. In fact, I would always caress James’s hair and held on to him during the night as we slept as if I knew that someday I was to lose him. Maybe my gut feeling was telling me something, yet ignored it. Maybe I was meant to lose him all along.
But why did he pick that song to dance with me when he told me he couldn’t match the love I had for him? Why that song?
I can’t even play any of our songs nor see the titles because I get very sad and cry. Just don’t understand. What the fuck was he thinking?
I had written on Facebook that I was going to go inactive, however I decided not to and I had a great friend who game me some advice: write it up on FB so the world can see that it’s over.
There were some friends who knew about James, but not many knew since majority of my FB friends thought that I was still with Greg. I felt great writing about James and what we had, but when Facebook asks for a picture to put up, I looked and when I saw our pictures, I cried like mad again on his t-shirt. After sometime I was strong enough to put at least two pictures up and wrote the following (and here is our background story):
In 2009 I dated James who was one of the few I dated between September-November time, however I at the end became exclusive to Bob (my ex) so James and I became friends and nothing more till 2013, when I went over in the summer of last year and was seeing him exclusive spending my birthday and summer days next to him. Then came a separation: He went to South America and I went to Poland to teach. Within those months apart, we kept in touch, but in September of 2013, James pushed me off and I had to move on, therefore dating Greg. I was with Greg till June of this year. I ended the relationship with Greg, because I was still in love with James. I couldn’t forget him. James couldn’t forget me either.
So with James it was an off and on and off and on relationship throughout this year and in late June, after being single for three weeks, James asked me to be his girl and give our relationship finally a try long distance.
I agreed. For 3 months I had been exclusive to him and love him throughout my years and growing to love him just the way he was. I did everything for him. EVERYTHING and at the end, hurting two people and sacrificing money and time, he decided that it was going no where and that it was getting him depressed and down which therefore he has let me go. I couldn’t beg him and convince him so because I saw he was in too much pain, I also agreed.
I not just loss my boyfriend, but my best friend, my partner, my love and my soul mate. We are so perfect together, but because of distance, it has killed our dream.
Another question is why can’t we move together? Well it’s very hard for Americans to get a working visa at the moment in UK so I’m still working on that. He didn’t want to move to Poland. He didn’t want to marry me as well so we knew the answers, but just didn’t want to let go of each other cause well…we were perfect together.
I can’t tell you how many times I have read this today. But that is the truth. This was our love and this is how it ended.
After spending majority of the day inside the house while the weather was very nice in Warsaw (and it’s going to get worst soon so might as well make the best out of it) I went to see three co-workers in the East of Warsaw. We spoke a bit about this relationship and told them about this blog which they were very happy that I decided to write about it. Also one of my great friends recited a love poem, yet I don’t know the name of the poem or author, so I hope to find out by Day Three to put it up. They also made me some great tea and this wonderful apple cider which I was delicious! I really enjoyed my time there and needed to stop thinking about James for a while.
For good times and bad times, friends are there with you to help you get through.
Then came the hardest part of the evening when it was time to watch a classical musical theater film, Oklahoma! The first 1.5 hours of the film were great, but once it got towards talking about marriage and love, I started to feel down. Curly really loved that woman and showed her a good time. Why didn’t I see the signs with James? James was showing me his love in a certain way and I thought it was just his way….I feel tricked or stupid. But the next time I fall in love, it will be very different:
The man has to meet you half ways with your feelings and treat you like a princess to know it’s love.
I don’t think I’m ready to see these things yet. I left their flat feeling empty, (not because of them, but because of the topic of the film) and went to visit Elizabeth’s new flat in the center of town. I wanted to go home, but felt I needed to be with more company. We did the tarot cards (yes again) and found out some answers about ex-suitors (the ones that I ignored and hurt because of James) and how they feel about me. After two hours of talking and venting, I had decided to take the last tram of the evening where it would leave me in Old Town Warsaw and walk 17 minutes from there. It was a chilly night today, so walked a bit quicker. I decided to take a short cut through the park, which isn’t safe at times in Warsaw while texting with an iPhone, when I saw a young tall gentleman intoxicated blocking the path with his arms spread open.
Was this a sign? Did my angels send him down to give me a hug?
Well I went straight into his arms and gave him a hug. I could see he was VERY intoxicated that he couldn’t keep a good balance.
‘Oh, hello there.’ I said with a slow tempo not sure if he understood English. ‘ How are you?’
‘I’m fine. Oh…and how are you?’
‘Ah I’m a bit sad’
‘Oh why!?’
‘Because my boyfriend broke up with me two days ago.’
‘Oh no! Really?’ taking his hands to my face, ‘You are so beautiful’.
‘Ah thank you. I bet you say that to everyone.’
‘No, you are’. He takes me to the nearest lamp post, stares at me and touches my face again. ‘I could see that you are beautiful’.
I asked for his name and his name was Luke. At first he said he was 25, but then corrected himself later on that evening to say that he was 22 years old.
‘And how old are you?’
‘Do you want to guess?’
He takes my hand and we start walking down the path towards my house. ‘ I think you are 26 years old. Am I correct?’
I’m 12 years his senior.
‘Oh yes, you got it right. You’re good. But yes, I am older than you.’
‘It doesn’t matter, because you are so pretty and beautiful.’ Stopping, he takes a hold of my face again and kisses me! And I kissed him back! And I could taste his cigarette and beer breath. Luke was kissing me so passionate and it was only after 2-3 minutes of conversation that he decided to give it a snog.
I can’t believe I kissed him back and was enjoying it, though scared he would throw up on me.
We took a walk for a while, advised him to throw up to make him feel better, but all he kept wanting to do is look at me and kiss me every once in a while. He kept asking where we were going and what were we going to do. I knew he wanted to have sex with me, but there was no way I could give him my body and I wasn’t in the mood to really have sex with another man after being dumped, especially when I would make love to James.
Luke had other plans after I told him that I wasn’t going to take him home and that we weren’t going to have sex. He then took me through this little grass area near a historical building and threw me to the ground and jumped on me very aggressively. Instead of hitting him or shouting, I just tried to calm him down and kept kissing me passionately. He started to kiss my neck and touch my chest.
‘Luke, Luke, Luke, PLEASE stop ok? I know you want some of this but I can’t give you this ok?’
‘OK ok, I understand, but please kiss me.’
We spend at least 10 minutes kissing then he got me to roll on top of him and said, ‘Give me your hands’. I gave him my hands and the next thing I knew he had somehow taken off my top!!! How the hell did he do this!?! OMG it was really crazy!
‘OMG! If the cops find us like this I’m going to get deported back to the USA or not get my visa so give me back my top!!’
It was honestly very crazy. Luke was just a horny handsome young man. I managed to put my top back on and was able to get up.
‘Ok Luke, let’s take you home, Ok?’ I managed to get him up and walk near my house when I wanted to really help him find a cab, but then he turned around and said, ‘OK I can do it from here. Thank you for a great night. You’re so beautiful’. He kissed me one last time and walked away through another path heading towards Old Town.
I can’t believe this just happened to me. What does all this mean?!
I got back into my flat and noticed that I had leaves all over my hair. I also had this certain part that felt wet, so I started to pull it out of my hair and I couldn’t believe what I was pulling out of my hair: It was a dead mushy slug!!!! OMG it freaked me out!!! In fact, I just tied my hair up so somewhere in my hair I still have parts of of the dead mushy slug.
But now I’m going to take a shower, wash that dead slug out of my hair and go to bed. I am too tired to cry about James tonight, but what happened with Luke was really and very weird. In that moment, in that time he just came to me as if to make me feel better. Life works in mysterious ways. Yes, I enjoyed the snogging, but I learned something else.
I am a beautiful woman.
Miss Brokenhearted 